This year has been a year of growth for WWE’s “Ravishing Russian” Lana as she has evolved from being a manager for her husband Rusev to becoming a legitimate in-ring competitor. In her current role on WWE’s Smackdown Live, Lana is a mentor of sorts for her friend Tamina, who she is trying to assist by making her more ravishing like Lana is.

Earlier this year, Lana challenged Naomi for the Smackdown’s Women’s Title, which included three title matches that she lost. While Lana isn’t considered to be as good as most of the women on the main roster in terms of in-ring work, she is trying hard and did well enough that she didn’t embarrass herself. Plus, she does have a lot of star power and is very good at getting a reaction from the crowd whether she’s cheered or booed.

Lana is also a part of Total Divas on E!, which returns with a new season next Wednesday. In promoting the show, Lana did an exclusive interview with EOnline talking about how Nikki Bella helped her when she thought about leaving wrestling.

“Nikki has helped me so, so, so much. There have been times in my wrestling journey—and you’re going to see this on the show—when I’ve gotten discouraged because the success doesn’t come overnight. It’s a lot of getting in there and failing. She was really the person that kept on encouraging me not to give up, to be resilient, to be brave and to have courage.

“At times, I would think maybe I shouldn’t continue to pursue my dream of competing in that ring, but she kept on telling me not to give up and keep on training. I wouldn’t be where I am now if it wasn’t for Nikki Bella.”

Lana also spoke about how she isn’t content with just being a manager and the 32-year-old wants to keep wrestling.

“My whole life, since I’ve been a little girl, I’ve watched wrestling and I’ve always wanted to wrestle. I just never thought that I was good enough to do that. I never thought I had the talent to be a professional wrestler. But I don’t want to just hold a microphone and be someone’s manager. I want to get in that ring and fight and compete. There’s nothing in the entire world that has that adrenaline rush.”

I think WWE is hurting Lana and Rusev by not having them together on screen because she’s good for him. I can understand them wanting to do their own things, but it’s not like he’s in a better role today than he was when she was managing him. They need more managers in WWE and she was very good at it, so why go away from it? Hopefully they will reunite on Smackdown soon. She can still wrestle in that role too. I guess it’s up to the creative team to find the right role for her.

Since WrestleMania, the dynamic between “The Ravishing Russian” Lana and “The Bulgarian Brute” Rusev has been torn apart. Up until WrestleMania, the situation had been that Rusev is a tough Bulgarian guy who loves and is loved by Vladimir Putin, and Lana was his manager slash crush instructor slash possible girlfriend. It never really ventured into romance angle territory.

Eventually, Rusev got mad about Lana getting attention from a WWE crowd she’d spent so long chastising, and they broke up. On the same episode as the breakup, Lana made out with Dolph Ziggler, and they instantly established a physical chemistry usually reserved for dogs and cats. Rusev turned into an obsessive stalker for a few weeks, but ultimately ended up in the arms of Summer Rae, who he immediately started dressing and instructing to act like Lana. That turned into a catty love rectangle with accusations that Dolph and Summer were hooking up. Lana got injured and the story had to be put on hold, and then suddenly Lana and Rusev were engaged in real life. That caused the entire angle to be dropped, and now they’re doing damage control in sit-down interviews that are honestly more confusing than helpful.

Contained in this clip:

1. The revelation that Lana is a virgin and saving herself for marriage. There was a segment on Raw this week where she said she and Ziggler didn’t “go all the way,” and Rusev said he and Summer didn’t go all the way, either.

2. Lana completely dropping her accent on several occasions — notably at the 2:17 mark — which is either her not being able to hold it for several minutes of conversation, or a Kofi Kingston “we’re just gonna drop the act and move on” situation.

3. Michael Cole feeling it’s necessary to badger a newly engaged couple about whether or not they actually love each other or have ever had sex with other people. He’s a journalist, I guess, but doesn’t he have anything better to do? “Do you love Lana?” Rusev should’ve asked Cole if he likes getting kicked as hard as possible in the face with tiny little feet.

And that doesn’t even get to the part where Rusev says he has “the Facetime” and “the Skype.” What’s going on here? Why is this a thing? I need an adult.

We here at With Spandex are staunchly Team Handsome Rusev, now and forever. We love everything about Rusev. We love him on Total Divas, we love that he was nearly a wrestling genie, we love his irrational adoration of the Los Angeles Clippers, and we think he is a legitimate hero, the only true babyface in WWE, and he deserves a lot better.

So it is with a heavy heart that we must inform you that Handsome Rusev is reportedly out of action “for some time to come,” according to Dave Meltzer at the Wrestling Observer. Meltzer says that him being out has been known about for several weeks, which likely means around the time of Fastlane. We received word from a fan that recently took a picture with Big Show that Rusev may be undergoing shoulder surgery, but we obviously cannot confirm any part of that.

If Rusev is indeed out of action for the foreseeable future, that would make the bizarre middle portion of Fastlane make a whole hell of a lot more sense, and is definitely one way to write someone off television for a while. The week before Fastlane, Rusev tweeted that he was going to “take time off” from working out.

In addition, Lana recently returned to NXT in-ring action at a live event, and right after Fastlane tweeted about returning to NXT for training.

All of the pieces would certainly seem to fit, so if true, our heartfelt sympathies go out to Handsome Rusev and hope he makes an extremely speedy recovery … and then comes back as a conquering hero.

Things haven’t been going well for Rusev lately. He couldn’t put John Cena down with an AK-47, his ravishing Russian manager is getting ready to bolt, and he’s now lost the Star of the Russian Federation. Sure, the medal hasn’t been a big part of his act lately, but it was handcrafted by Vladimir Putin himself! What, you think you can just replace a gold-spraypainted wooden star?

This rather odd story started when Rusev sent out a tweet, claiming his medal had been stolen…

Not long afterward, a fan named Nate Ligthner popped up on Instagram wearing the medal. Rusev did not seem particularly pleased by this.

Posting pictures of yourself with stolen property probably isn’t the greatest idea, but the guy who now possesses Russia’s greatest prize says he didn’t steal it at all.

It’s hard to know who to believe here, but word is that the fan’s account is more or less correct. Rusev forgot the medal, so WWE may have a tough time retrieving it. Personally, if I happened to “acquire” Rusev’s medal, I’d just give it back. Let’s not forget, the dude has access to a tank.

via Wrestling News Source

Lana’s in-ring journey thus far hasn’t gone as smooth as one would hope. Her somewhat (completely) ill-advised sexy chair dancing vignettes advertising that Gabbo is coming to Smackdown haven’t been well-received, and have mostly served to highlight her complete social media 180. Whereas her outspoken feminism used to draw the abuse of male fans, the new star of Total Divas has taken to body-shaming her female critics and focusing instead on mostly retweeting compliments from the WWE Universe.

Fans who attend NXT house shows are now able to speak more to her wrestling ability than her concerning Twitter presence and newfound penchant for soft lighting and chair humping. The reviews have been mixed, but one thing is for sure: Lana is using her husband Rusev’s finisher and crushing developmental ladies’ dreams as she also crushes their spines:

Now, her using her husband’s finisher and not having something of her own does furrow some eyebrows, but hopefully WWE can spin it so it’s less icky. Like say, she’s been watching WWE closely as Rusev’s manager and the competition simply doesn’t stack up, so if she’s going to use a finisher she’s going to use the best one.

With the approaching Women’s Tournament and the ever-increasing in-ring standards for female competitors, there will be more of a keen focus on how WWE treats the women under their three brands. Hopefully for Lana (and the rest of us), they can sort all of the awkward and kinda gross parts of the character out so her and Rusev can skip ahead to crushing anyone who gets in their way. Maybe with a tank. Again. (That was just really cool okay?)

Pre-show notes:

– You can watch it on WWE Network here. Best and Worst of WWE Payback columns of the past can be found at the Best and Worst of Payback tag page.

– “Real life stuff” repost from the Raw report:

If you’re interested in seeing the best pro-wrestling card in Texas all spring (and possibly all year), Inspire Pro Wrestling’s ‘In Their Blood 2’ happens in Austin on May 31. It’s the same day as the Elimination Chamber, sure, but we didn’t schedule ours on a whim Monday afternoon. Also, Ricochet and Joey Ryan and Candice LeRae and a ton of other awesome people are gonna be there, so if you stay at home watching a show that will be on demand the second it ends, you’re gonna have a bad time.

If you’re interested in seeing Meet Me There on a big screen before our DVD/VOD release, your last chance is June 7 in New York City at the Anthology Film Archives. If this is your first time hearing about it, it’s a horror movie I made with Goldust and a bunch of awesome independent wrestlers, so in addition to being this emotional, tense thing about the horrors of sexual dysfunction, it’s also a “Where’s Waldo” for people who recognize Blue Pants or Evan Gelistico. Go see it! I’ll probably be there!

– With Spandex is on Twitter, so follow it. Follow us on Twitter and like us on Facebook. You can also follow me on Twitter.

– Shares, likes, comments and other social-media things are appreciated.

And now, the Best and Worst of WWE Payback 2015.

Worst: The Worst Part Of Your Local Wrestling Show

If you’re a regular at basically any independent wrestling show, you’ve seen this. Guys try to be funny by dressing up like Hulk Hogan, hulking up and doing the big boot. Sometimes another guy will dress up like Macho Man and yell, “ooh yeah.” It’s the first idea a person who likes wrestling gets when they’re asked to be funny. I don’t know why. People remember Hulk Hogan and he always did the same stuff, so you can be a guy they remember and you can do the stuff. It’s so low-rent that Mark and Roger could live there without complaining.

WWE’s obsessed with the joke, too. Remember when Big Show did it? Remember when Charlie Haas did it? Remember when Curly from The Three Stooges did it? No, really. It’s the laziest possible wrestling joke. It’s the “workin’ hard or HARDLY WORKIN’ ” of wrestling.

This entire thing’s a f*cking tire fire. You can say it’s not for my demographic or whatever, but what demographic is it for? It’s not for little kids. Little kids don’t care who Hulk Hogan and the Macho Man are. It’s not for anybody who likes Damien Sandow and wishes him well, because he’s sleepwalking through a terrible impersonation and getting squashed by a jobber team. It’s not for anybody who likes Curtis Axel or thought “Axelmania” was funny, because WWE can’t understand a joke they made and turned a funny bit about Axel thinking he has fan momentum into Axel thinking he is Actually Hulk Hogan. It’s not for people who want a good wrestling match, because woof. It’s just a waste of time, and a waste of everyone involved. Audience included.

Best: Boots 2 Asses

Remember when Dolph Ziggler was the Hero of WWE and single-handedly ousted The Authority from power? Well, here he is, six months later, rubbing his butt cheek in a dude’s face for revenge goofs before losing. HE’S HERE TO SHOW THE WORLD, HE’S HERE TO SHOW THE WORLD.

Anyway, there’s still something about Ziggler and Sheamus that doesn’t connect for me, but I liked the real-life circumstances of the finish. Nothing of note happens outside the Hilarious Ass-Wiping, which Sheamus sells by trying to vomit, because having a hip touch your orbit is like swallowing diarrhea. Every time Naomi does the Rear View, her opponent should vomit. There’s some leg work, which Dolph sells by running as fast and jumping as high as he can. The finish, though! That was a thing of beauty.

Ziggler’s trying to fight back, so he throws a big headbutt that knocks Sheamus back, then hits a superkick. Unfortunately for Ziggler he forgot to reinforce his skull with eyeliner — I assume this is what eyeliner is for — and gets split open. Ziggler gets a long 2-count, but he’s super f*cked up from the headbutt and just kinda staggers onto his knees. Sheamus sees blood in the figurative water, hits a Brogue Kick and puts him away. There’s no way this was the original finish. The referee immediately goes for the rubber gloves and Sheamus is basically no-selling the previous minute to set up and put Ziggler away. Still though, there’s something real about it. Ziggler tried a move and it backfired on him. That happens sometimes. You go for a thing that makes sense and sh*t happens, and you’re just doomed. Sheamus was in control before the superkick, so him recovering quicker than Ziggler and basically Old Yeller‘ing him works. I dunno, I dug it. It beats the hell out of watching them do a bunch of Irish whips and awkwardly set up a White Noise.

No more ass-based feuds now, OK? At least for a little while?

Best: Babyface Cesaro, And Basically Everything Else That’s Happening

I’m happy to live in a world where Cesaro hot tags are a thing. I’m glad WWE’s finally wisened up to the reality that we LIKE Cesaro and WANT to cheer for him, and that he makes a connection with audiences even if it’s not the ideal If Ya Suh-Mell La La La La La Laow one you want. We aren’t gonna pop for his catchphrases and bounce up and down in our chairs waiting for him to zing some jerk with hilarious one-liners, but we SUPER MIGHT want to watch him run at a guy and European uppercut him so hard they both fall into the turnbuckles. You can make money having a guy hold another guy by the ankles and spin him around, so you should probably do that.

For me, this match was the highlight of the show. We have to accept the reality that salvaging a tag-team division in WWE is impossible thanks to some combination of apathy and Attention Deficit Disorder, but if we can position the wrestlers who need this spotlight into this spotlight and pair them with coordinating peoples who can compliment their strengths and help cover up their weaknesses, we’re onto something. It doesn’t have to be on a mass scale. It doesn’t have to be grand societal change. It can just be welding Tyson Kidd’s personality to Cesaro’s battleship, and putting some corny stuff around Kofi Kingston to put him in a better context.

The first two falls end as they should, with combo finishers. I’m glad they had Xavier Woods wanting to sub himself in due to the “Freebird Rule,” and while I didn’t love the DOA Natalya interference bit, that’s the kind of thing you have to at least throw out there and acknowledge. The fact that it played into the finish was great, too, with Woods Freedbird Ruling whether the ref liked it. I’ve read a lot of people complaining about how the finish is an “all black people look-alike” thing, and while yeah, the announce team kinda read it that way, I thought Woods hid his hair and face well enough to justify it as a flash mistake. The ref wasn’t like, looking Woods in the eye and calling him Kofi Kingston. He’s not Michael Cole. He was on the other side of a small package.

Best: The Best Response To ‘This Is Awesome’ Chants

My favorite thing (and probably my favorite thing on the entire show) was Woods on the outside responding to ‘This Is Awesome’ chants. “WE KNOW! WE ARE WELL AWARE.”

You know what’s great? That feeling when a wrestler you’ve never liked is suddenly the thing you look forward to the most.

Best: We’re Too Big!

Later in the show, Byron Saxton finds The New Day backstage celebrating their win and drinking milk out of champagne glasses because holy sh*t The New Day is great. Byron apparently has the internet and they don’t, so he tells them that in two weeks they’ll be defending the tag titles in the first tag-team Elimination Chamber match.

The highlight:

Woods: “What the HELL?”
Kofi: “That is not fair, that is not fair! What, all three of us have to squeeze inside one pod?”
Big E: “We’re too big!”

I want to put The New Day in a pile and hug the pile.

Best/Worst: Now Let’s Never Speak Of This Again

Sometimes a match can be good, but dead on arrival.

That’s how I feel about Bray Wyatt vs. Ryback. The feud has been abysmal, with Wyatt just talking and gasping and talking and gasping and Ryback sometimes showing up. Lots of looking off-screen to the right and whisper-talking about what things mean. They played a FULL MUSIC VIDEO before the match, as though Wyatt/Ryback was Austin/Rock at WrestleMania 17. WWE’s production team could add music to me taking a dump in the morning and make it look like art, but still, a music video? For this?

And yeah, the truth is that the match isn’t bad. When I was watching it, it felt like the worst thing in the world, but thinking about it later (and sitting through the real-life nightmare of Rusev/Cena immediately after it) put it into perspective. It’s a good story. Wyatt realizes Ryback’s super strong, so he tries to take out his core. He does that fat man senton off the apron and breaks one of Ryback’s ribs, which basically ruins Ryback’s entire moveset. He can’t get him up clean for a Shell Shocked, he can’t capitalize on a top-rope splash, nothing. He’s got the power of FOOD REQUESTS or whatever, though, so Wyatt’s gotta be smart and follow up. He does that by shoving Ryback ribs-first into an exposed turnbuckle, which stuns him long enough to let Wyatt snap off a Sister Abigail and win. It’s easy-to-follow physical psychology — cause and effect. WWE matches miss that a lot, like when Ziggler’s jumping 10 feet into the air on a DDT when his leg’s supposed to be hurt. It’s a good match. Unfortunately, good matches aren’t always exciting.

If Ryback’s legitimately injured again, I want at least 10 Backstage Fallout videos of him angrily flipping through The Secret.

Worst: 30 Minutes Of Cute Garbage

So, this thing.

1. Remember when Rusev defeated Cena on a weird technicality at Fast Lane and everybody got indignant about how gracious Cena was for putting him over? Yeah, Cena followed that by beating him clean at WrestleMania, defeating him in a Russia-specific gimmick match at Extreme Rules and making him speak in f*cking tongues at Payback. For all intents and purposes, this should be the end of the Rusev character. That sounds melodramatic, but back in the day you’d bring in a guy like Kamala and feed him to Hulk Hogan or whoever, and when that was over you’d send Kamala somewhere else. It doesn’t mean Kamala’s bad or doesn’t have an upside, it’s just that he exists as a purposeful cartoon character in the interest of putting over an actually important character. It’s like Mer-Man from He-Man. He’s awesome and he’s got a funny voice and he looks cool and what, he can command giant space seahorses? You want to see him all the time, right? Well, they drew him into the show so He-Man could show up and beat his ass.

2. WWE found a way to make ‘I Quit’ matches worse than Last Man Standing matches. This thing was 30 minutes long, which works out to 10 minutes of fighting and 20 minutes of the referee asking DO YOU GIVE UP? Seriously, the point is that you beat up your opponent really badly or do something really nasty to them, or maybe you put them in a submission and keep it on a long time. THEN the referee pops in with a microphone, and the guy growls or screams or says yes or no and that’s it. Here, Rusev would hit a f*cking hip-toss and Cena would have to have a full conversation with the referee. It was INSANE. It was the slowest, most boring, most unnecessary thing I’ve seen in ages, and the dialogue yanked the impact from anything actually happening.

3. It was a Greatest Hits Of John Cena Hardcore Matches. The STF with the dismantled top rope? From his 2007 Royal Rumble match with Umaga. The bit with the heel discovering he could attack Cena with pyro? Straight out of the Bragging Rights Iron Man Match with Randy Orton.

4. The heel/face dynamic is still screwed for me, too. Cena’s threatening to put Rusev through the Bell Keeper’s wall. Rusev refuses to give up, so Cena does it. Isn’t that a really f*cking heel thing to do? Wouldn’t the valiant thing be to just keep attacking Rusev until he was down, put him through the wall and hope that’s enough? Why are shouted threats from Daddy a thing I should be cheering for? What about when Cena dumps Rusev onto the pyro and explodes him like they’re on Wrestling Society X? Rusev dramatically crawls around, gasping for air, trying to fight back as a seemingly-unharmed Cena attacks him with a guard rail. I get that everything’s fair and Cena would be dumb for not using everything at his disposal, but man, why is so much of this match a stern-faced Cena beating the sh*t out of a guy who’s supposed to be his scary opponent? Rusev’s on his knees with his arms out and his mouth open like he’s on the cover of Platoon and Cena’s doing awkward typing jokes on a laptop.

5:

Worst: The Finish, Which Makes Less Sense Every Time You Think About It

First of all, when the ref rang the bell and Rusev decided to cut a promo and said the words “I quit,” he should’ve lost. It’s an I Quit Match. The first person to say the words “I quit” loses. If there’s a weird precedent to this, I want to be in an I Quit match and start by yelling REF I GIVE UP I QUIT I QUIT I QUIT THE MATCH and then going on Twitter and arguing technicalities. That sounds really fun.

There’s such an issue made about having to say the words “I” and “quit.” Rusev puts Cena in the Accolade and makes him pass out, but it *doesn’t count* because he didn’t say “I quit.” The match continues, Cena puts Rusev in the STF. Lana gets in the ring and says “he quits,” and the referee and everybody’s like OH SURE THAT’S TOTALLY FINE, RING THE BELL. It’s madness. If Rusev was yelling “I quit” over and over in Bulgarian, guess what? He didn’t say the words “I” and “quit.” If you’re gonna be that much of a hard-ass about technicalities, they have to be consistent. Hell, at least let them be consistent in the same match. Remember when Jeff Jarrett wrestled Chyna in a “Good Housekeeping Match?” The stipulation was that you could legally use any weapon you’d find in your home. Jeff Jarrett hits Chyna with 6h4 Intercontinental Championship and it doesn’t count, because it’s not a household item. Chyna hits Jarrett with a guitar and it counts and she wins. Why wouldn’t the Intercontinental Champion have the Intercontinental Championship in his house?

It’s just so f*cking weird to me that they can’t pull the trigger on this in either direction. They can’t have Rusev look strong and win, because of John Cena. They can’t have Cena just straight-up power up and pin him clean outside WrestleMania, because they want to “protect” Rusev. So they keep doing these dumb technicality finishes that don’t help anybody, and they tread the same stale water they’ve been sinking in since they fell off the boat in 2007. Rusev looks like a baby because he lost three times in a row and Cena made him cry. Cena looks like a jerk for being so weirdly jingoistic and violent — remember when he kept attacking an unconscious Rusev until Lana agreed to a match? Lana looks like something between an idiot and a bad girlfriend for being into a crowd of people she said she hated for a year and repeatedly screwing Rusev over.

In other words,

♫ do doodoo doooooo ♫

Worst: Also, This Match Happened!

Naomi has pinned the Divas Champion!

(I wanted the entire writeup of the match to be that, but seriously, Naomi beat the Dominant Divas Champion with that move anybody who wrestles Ric Flair uses to keep Flair from jumping off the top rope. You know, the running “put my hand on your balls and make you say NO NO before I throw you down on your side and make you scream out AH SH*T AH GAHD.” That one. Naomi won with THAT.)

(I am officially not interested in Naomi until they figure out how to make her boots leave light trails when she kicks.)

Worst: I’m Paying $9.99 To Watch Raw

WWE already destroyed the mystique of pay-per-view when they built their own network and decided every PPV set should be the Raw set with the colors changed, but now it’s getting worse. They’re announcing network-exclusive shows sometimes only a day or two before, springing entire formal “pay-per-views” on us like Elimination Chamber out of the blue and, combined with the NXT live specials, doing four big shows in four weeks. Combine that with three-plus hours of Raw and two hours of Additional Raw (called “Smackdown”) and you’re basically doing like 10 hours of Raw a week. That’s a MESS. You can’t reliably do THREE hours of Raw that anybody who isn’t 5 or stupid can watch without being bothered and you’re going for TEN?

King Barrett wrestles Neville in a match that is happening For No Reason, ostensibly to set up a story for the Intercontinental Championship Elimination Chamber match. You’re using a spot on an actual pay-per-view to sell like one-third of a match on a different, impromptu one. And you’re doing it by having a meandering match that ends with a purposeful count-out, which is one of the very worst of all Raw tropes. The only way it could have been worse is if he’d gotten counted out, the ref had restarted the match, he had called Neville a b*tch, gotten rolled up off a distraction and pinned in a birthday cake on a table at a contract signing.

Best: I Want To Believe

And then, the main. Oh mercy, the main.

Late in the match, Seth Rollins, Dean Ambrose and Roman Reigns find themselves surrounding a downed Randy Orton. When he fights back, they instinctively join forces for a Shield beatdown and put him through the announce table with a triple powerbomb. For one glorious minute, the world was right again.

Of course, it wasn’t to be. Michael Cole ruined the drama of whether it could be a real thing by yelling “THE SHIELD REUNITING ONE TIME ONLY,” which was so bad Lawler tried to cover it with a “how do you know it’s one time only?” Still though, if we’re never getting that Shield reunion I fantasy book in every single pay-per-view predictions post, they gave me a minute, and for that I’m thankful. The fist-bump tease made my heart grow three sizes and then broke it in half, but hey, at least my broken heart is big.

I hope they revisit this around SummerSlam, when Brock Lesnar returns and wants his belt back. But I’m the guy who wants The Shield to reunite, feud with a reunited Wyatt Family and then realize they’ll have to work together with the Wyatts to stop the reunited Nexus, so maybe don’t listen to me.

Worst: MORE KANE PLEASE

The match itself was good, except for one thing: Kane.

I don’t know who saw a match with all three Shield guys in it and thought the story should be “what will Kane do to save his middle-management position,” but here we are. Every time the wrestlers are able to create drama, Kane shows up and inserts himself. It’s the story they’re telling so I’m not saying they did it wrong, I just hated it. I don’t want to know Kane’s story. I don’t need to know how he feels about his role in a vague heel faction that runs a wrestling show but hates all the wrestlers. I don’t need to see him bailing Seth Rollins out at every turn … I want to see Rollins bail out Rollins at every turn. I want the heat to go to HIM, because he’s a f*cking heat magnet and young and great at wrestling, and not a remnant of a Chef Boyardee commercial from 15 years ago. I want WWE’s present, and I want to formally and finally step out of the past. Kane should’ve vanished into thin air like Mitch Connor when Triple H and Undertaker Ended An Era.

I can’t wait to see what The Authority has in store for themselves (?) at Elimination Chamber.

Best: Top 10 Comments Of The Night

Aerial Jesus

Sierra Hotel India Echo Lima Delta Oscar Romeo Whiskey Echo Romeo India Oscar Tango.

Harry Longabaugh

That was the Pedigree that they named the dog food after.

Art Salmons

If Brock came out and made them both submit at the same time with a double Kimura lock, I would mail my credit card straight to the WWE network with a note that says, “just keep it.”

Spitty

*Bellas do twin magic* Ref: “I aint falling for that.”
*Awesome Kong pins Brie* “Ring the bell.”

Gratliff

Give me the mic, ref. I’m ready.

LBCS

Rusev didn’t win because he was literally too good at beating Cena

Amanda Huggenkiss

Nobody puts Lana in the corner!

Slumdog_prince

Byron Saxton is a real life Tom DuBois from the Boondocks.

John Michael Hall

I’d like to take a moment to congratulate the fifth grader who won the “Design Ryback’s Singlet” contest his or her school held.

Brocky

In the future:

David Otugna: “Your honor, I cite in the case of Goldberg v. Sid Vicious of Halloween Havoc 1999, which set the precedent that during an I Quit match, if one participant in an “I Quit” match loses consciousness, the match can end.

Judge: “This precedent is nullified by the Vince Russo clause, instantly nullifying all decisions made under the authority of Vince Russo.”

Otugna: “Your honor, I will also cite Hart v. Austin of 1997, where under certified authority, one individual losing consciousness is grounds for a match ending.”

Judge: “The case you cite is a submission match, while, having identical rules, is not applicable.”

Otunga: “So Cena wins lol?”

Judge: “Cena wins lol!”

Thanks, everybody. See you tonight, for the three pay-per-views happening between this afternoon and Tuesday morning.

Pre-show notes:

– Be sure you’ve read The Best and Worst of WWE Payback 2015 before continuing.

– Real life stuff repost:

If you’re interested in seeing the best pro wrestling card in Texas all spring (and possibly all year), Inspire Pro Wrestling’s ‘In Their Blood 2’ happens in Austin on 5/31. It’s the same day as the Elimination Chamber, sure, but we didn’t schedule ours on a whim Monday afternoon. Also, Ricochet and Joey Ryan and Candice LeRae and a ton of other awesome people are gonna be there, so if you stay at home watching a show that’ll be on demand the second it ends, you’re gonna have a bad time.

If you’re interested in seeing Meet Me There on a big screen before our DVD/VOD release, your last chance is June 7 in New York City at the Anthology Film Archives. If this is your first time hearing of it, it’s a horror movie I made with Goldust and a bunch of awesome independent wrestlers, so in addition to being this emotional, tense thing about the horrors of sexual dysfunction it’s also a ‘Where’s Waldo’ for people who recognize Blue Pants or Evan Gelistico. Go see it! I’ll probably be there!

– With Spandex is on Twitter, so follow it. Follow us on Twitter and like us on Facebook. You can also follow me on Twitter.

– Shares, likes, comments and other social media things are appreciated.

And now, the Best and Worst of WWE Raw for May 18, 2015.

Best/Worst: Female Daddy’s Home

1. That drumroll to reveal the Intercontinental Championship was the saddest thing of all time.

2. Hey look, everybody, it’s Stephanie McMahon! Triple H didn’t clandestinely murder her and hide her body on a tropical island while they were on vacation, or whatever! And she’s wearing terrible lipstick! And she’s … dressed like Mrs. Claus? I dunno.

I’m happy to have Stephanie back because I think she’s hilarious (“back’a th’liiiine!”), but she presents the same problems as Triple H. She’s a fantastic performer with a great sense of timing and a supernatural ability to manipulate and control wrestling crowds, but she’s also kinda shoot terrible? The existence of a strong female authority figure character means she has to jump in and emasculate every top superstar at every opportunity, and while I understand it and sometimes love it, it can get tedious. Like, I don’t need to see her smirking and no-selling Ryback’s attempts at looking like an Important Person, you know? When she does it to Cena it works because he’s so singular and bulletproof, and we can justify him being “taken down a peg.” How many pegs can you take the Ryback down? He’s on the ground beneath the bottom peg. And what makes her sometimes even worse than H is that H can get comeuppance. He can get his ass beaten from time to time, or get showed up or “defeated.” Stephanie never, ever gets comeuppance. The worst she gets is being an upset background character for decisions she doesn’t like, and then they’re immediately fixed. I think the last time she got Actual Comeuppance was when Vickie Guerrero took her mudding, and even that was a self-contained one episode thing.

3. The motivations for the Intercontinental Championship Elimination Chamber are so weird. It’s like the first draft of an idea. “The Intercontinental Champion got broken competing for the title in a dangerous match and can no longer compete, so we’re gonna name a stronger, more durable champion by having a bunch of people compete in a match that shortens careers.” At least Dario Cueto’s open about wanting everybody the crowd likes to die from ultraviolence.

Best: Sheamus Vs. Ryback, Or
Worst: Losers Getting Whatever They Want Because They Complain

The first match of the night is Sheamus vs. Ryback, and it’s another of those “good matches that aren’t particularly exciting” that Ryback specializes in. Like Ryback/Wyatt, the story’s solid. Sheamus gets thrown into the ring post orbit-first, so he covers his face and starts favoring his eye. Ryback continues the attack but the referee starts getting concerned, so he tries to separate them and figure out what’s up. Sheamus uses that moment of distraction to hit a Brogue Kick on Ryback for the Critical and just kinda collapses on him, still holding the eye. I like that Sheamus not only had a gameplan in case he got in trouble, but that he held on to the con until after the match so he could condescendingly justify it as “real.”

The problem I have is with the match existing at all (ha) and Ryback’s inclusion in the IC title Elimination Chamber match. Sheamus shows up and interrupts the Authority with a legitimate point: he’s basically got Daniel Bryan’s number. He beat him in 18 seconds at WrestleMania, and now he beat him so badly his career’s over. Of course, that’s not the actual story, but Sheamus was the last guy to face him so he can take credit for it. He’s also a former Everything Champion, so why wouldn’t he be in the match? Then loser-ass Ryback shows up, is all “Daniel Bryan is a GREAT DUDE” and is suddenly ALSO a championship contender and facing Sheamus RIGHT NOW despite the fact that he’s a Nothing Ever Champion who lost to Bray Wyatt the previous night. He loses, again, but he’s still competing for a title in a huge gimmick match because dot dot dot question mark. At least R-Truth beat Stardust.

If I could change one thing about WWE, it’d be the elimination of people being able to just show up and book their own matches via argument. At least on NXT they’ve got William Regal pointing that out and justifying why it should happen anyway. At least do THAT.

Best: Bo Knows

Unsurprisingly, one of my favorite moments of the entire show was Neville being randomly confronted by Bo Dallas and acknowledging their NXT history. While it’s not Zayn/Owens by any stretch of the imagination, Neville and Bo had a lengthy history. They’re the #1 and 2 longest-reigning NXT Champions ever. Neville beat Bo for the title at Arrival, NXT’s first live special, and held the title 7 days longer than him. 287 to 280. The nod to that was great because they could’ve just ignored it in favor of establishing Neville in a new universe where he’s a weird-looking spaceman and Bo’s a loser.

It also made Bo feel like an important character for the first time in a long time. Bo attacked Neville and caused him to lose. He got to sit in on commentary and be funny and be a character in the universe, and not just the guy who says “bo-lieve” and loses. WWE has a f*cking treasure trove of great performers and characters they could use to flesh out their world and turn Raw and Smackdown into ‘The Simpsons.’ The Simpson family are your protagonists, sure, but sometimes there’s an episode about Krusty or Comic Book Guy or Lenny and Carl. At least a good B-story.

Best: Neville Selling On Offense

It’s such a simple thing, and nobody ever seems to do it.

Neville’s knee is taped up, so when he pisses off Bo, Bo attacks it. That leaves Neville vulnerable during his match with King Barrett. Normally what’d happen is a guy would be injured and sell early in the match, do all of his signature moves like everything was fine and then, if we were lucky, remember to sell for a second during the finish. Sometimes they’ll only remember to sell after it’s over, but only between the pinfall and the “getting up on the ropes” taunting parts. Neville actually wrestles a match with an injury, which is a totally different thing. When he does a move that involves the knee, he sells it. He hits a jawbreaker on Barrett where he drops to his knees, so he grimaces and touches the knee. It lasts about half a second, but it MATTERS. He throws kicks where he has to use the bad leg as a fulcrum and he sells it for a moment, but never oversells it. It’s indirect pain. It gets worse when he throws a spinkick with the bad leg and tries to keep Barrett up for his delayed German, and it goes out on him completely during a springboard. The story works because this is Neville’s offense. He doesn’t have anything else. He’s either gotta power through it and trust himself to be okay, or he has to crash and burn. He crashes and burns here, and Barrett gives him the ROAL BULLHAMMAH for the win. Love. Wrestling is awesome when you can trick yourself into thinking, at least in the moment, that it’s real. If you can trick yourself enough on a regular basis, you start expecting that awesome reality and everything about the show feels better.

Also great: Bo Dallas and Booker T having conversations, and Bo calling him “Mr. T.” Don’t ever leave me again, NXT Bo Dallas.

Best: The Best Dean Ambrose/Bray Wyatt Match So Far

It’s probably a bad sign that when I was writing up this report I’d totally forgotten this match happened, but I enjoyed it while I was watching it. It certainly played better for me than their previous matches, although there’s basically no drama in Wyatt taking moves when he more or less no-sold a splash through a table from the top of an ambulance. What, I’m supposed to believe he’s gonna get super hurt because Ambrose fall backwards in the ropes like an idiot before he threw a clothesline?

Ambrose has GOT to stop leaning on that rebound lariat. It’s getting comical. He goes for it non-stop, which is what made any Ring of Honor fan with a brain hate Nigel McGuinness during his ROH title run. He stopped wrestling and just started falling around in the ropes and throwing lariats for 30 minutes. I get that it’s a unique thing and can be an Ambrose signature, but Jesus, limit him to one well-timed attempt per match. Two max, and only if you have the first one reversed. Most of the time people are just standing there gawking at him when he does it anyway, they should just run up and kick him in the ass. Run up and shove his legs and send him falling to the concrete. That’ll teach him. You know what also builds momentum, Dean? Running into the ropes like normal.

It was a good match, though, don’t let my hyper-specific complaining fool you. I’m a little anxious whenever Wyatt starts winning matches, though, because you know he’s just being built up to get fed to someone important. Is he wrestling Sting at SummerSlam or something?

Best: The Lana And Rusev Breakup, Part 1

Let’s take these one at a time.

So, Rusev shows up to protest the finish to the I Quit match from Payback and tries to restart it, which frankly is the biggest heel move of all time. He tells the crowd that there won’t be any Lana tonight, but Lana shows up anyway and tries to explain herself. What follows is one of the most emotionally complex situations I’ve maybe ever seen on a main-roster WWE show, whether they were doing it on purpose or not.

Lana gave up for Rusev because she cares about him and wanted to do the right thing not only for him, but for them. She implies their romantic relationship more than ever before, which isn’t a shocking surprise to anyone with social media, but she stays professional. She’s not sobbing, she’s not screaming, she’s just speaking passionately and trying to explain herself. She lets it slip that Rusev was saying “I quit” in Bulgarian, a language NOBODY IN THE WORLD COULD EVER HOPE TO UNDERSTAND according to the pleeb announce team. Rusev’s response is to get heated and lash out at her, call her names and tell her to leave. In a normal WWE situation, this would play as crass and misogynistic. Here, though, Rusev is clearly in pain. He’s embarrassed. He’s lashing out because he’s humiliated and she let out his big secret about what he said, and his emotions are out of control. His identity, everything he is, has been threatened and compromised by the one person he’s tried to trust. The key is when Lana says he’s “misunderstood.” That’s the focal point of all of this. It’s a shamed man trying to come to terms with what’s happened and attacking the only person who wants to help him. It’s real life. It’s what happens, for better or worse.

“You’re weak, and you make me weak.”

That line killed me. It kills her, too. She leaves, and as she’s leaving, Rusev keeps yelling at her to go. She’s already leaving, you know? He’s just yelling because he wants her to turn around and yell back at him and argue, because his brain’s on fire and he needs to work it out. He needs an answer. An excuse. He needs her to know him and take this blame and make it better, but she does know him, and that’s why she’s leaving. He’s misunderstood by everyone, including himself. He just screams and screams until she disappears into the back. It’s like the ending of Harry and the Hendersons, and Rusev’s trying to get her to leave before things get worse. That’s amazing.

Anyway …

Worst: The Lana And Rusev Breakup, Part 2

WWE is a ruiner.

Dolph Ziggler wrestles Stardust for like five seconds. When that’s over, Michael Cole gets in the ring to tell him he’s an entrant in the Intercontinental Championship Elimination Chamber match. As that’s happening, Lana shows up for basically no reason, stands around awkwardly for a few seconds and kissing Ziggler. The crowd I guess is one of those Saved By The Bell groups that’ve never seen a kiss before so they go crazy, and Lana kisses him again. That brings out Rusev, who attacks Ziggler and gets slapped by Lana. He gets enraged, and Ziggler Zig Zags him from behind. Ziggler and Lana leave, and now she’s posting hashtag American Selfies on Instagram.

It’s not “bad” I guess, aside from it being lazy, existing for all the wrong reasons and selling out a Diva’s one instance of emotional complexity. It’s just a valet leaving a heel and pairing up with a face to make the heel mad because they’re in a match together and it needs heat. But man, it’s so disheartening. A story about Lana and Rusev as human beings falling apart is turned into “I’m gonna kiss the babyface because he’s HOT” and Rusev wanting to beat her up. It’s just … dumb. It’s dumb when it doesn’t have to be. There’s nothing more infuriating than when WWE has a good story and gets afraid to tell it. It’s why Sandow and Axel are just cosplaying the Mega Powers instead of bonding over the fact that they’re lost and neither of them has an identity. It’s why Emma is stealing Bayley’s shirt instead of playing on the truth about what WWE wants from women on the main roster.

A supplemental Best, I guess, for Lana being Eskimo Brothers with Sheamus’s ass.

Worst: The Worst WWE Finish

Cesaro and Tyson Kidd wrestle The New Day again, only this time Xavier Woods is banned from ringside. Instead of doing anything with this concept or moving these teams forward in any way, WWE decided to cram together two of their very worst tropes:

1. The “you WRESTLED TOO MUCH” finish where wrestlers don’t listen to the referee for like five arbitrary seconds and get disqualified. The New Day is stomping Tyson Kidd in the corner and the ref goes “hey, stop it” and when they don’t, whoops, the match is over. It’s the worst. It’s everything bad about the distraction rollup or the countout-on-purpose without the basic amount of structural work those finishes require. It’s wrestling for the sake of not wrestling.

2. That thing where a multi-person match or a battle royal is coming up, so everybody involves runs out for no reason and punches each other. There’s no goddamn reason why a New Day/Cesaro and Kidd match should end with the Lucha Dragons running out and doing anything, and there’s no reason why a Lucha Dragons run-in should bring out Los Matadores, and on and on. They’re just like WE’RE ALSO HERE, which doesn’t even make kayfabe sense because if you know you’re in a match for the tag titles with 5 other teams and you see those 5 teams hurting each other, shouldn’t you stay the hell in the back and let it happen? If it’s about something vague like “making an impact,” can you have Sin Cara run out doing airball crossbodies and let The Ascension chill in the back by the monitors making Mr. Burns hands?

Best: The New Day, Though

I can’t write one of these columns during this assumed month-and-a-half or whatever The New Day gets to be good without pointing out how good they’re being. Kofi and Big E’s FIVE? FIVE! FIVE? FIVE! bit was great even before it tied itself into E’s Langston days. I can’t believe I’m typing it, but this show needed more Xavier Woods.

Worst: Is There A Sadder Team Than Fandango And Zack Ryder?

Here’s the roster photo Fandango keeps in his pocket:

Pretty mediocre photographic fakery, they cut off Derrick Bateman’s hair.

Worst: ‘More Tamina’ Said Nobody

Nikki Bella defends her Divas Championship against Naomi, and somehow the feud still isn’t about how many times Naomi’s pinned her, it’s about how bad Nikki feels that she can’t be seconded by her enslaved twin sister. They pretend to wrestle a little and hurry to the finish, which is Tamina getting in the ring and superkicking Nikki before she can hit the Rack Attack. It’s not an insult to women’s wrestling in general, but the crew they’ve got on Raw right now just seems so … fake. They don’t seem like they get what wrestling’s supposed to be about. There’s nothing visceral happening, they’re just tying up and hitting each other with their asses and forming thick, concrete walls between what WWE audiences think is “good women’s wrestling” and the reality. They half-ass it until the shit happening in NXT becomes so removed from “WWE” that casual fans think it’s what “hipsters” like, or worse, smarks. It’s not just a better option. It’s a conflict. It’s “let’s aim higher” being nerfed by “what we have is good enough.”

Best: Paige, At Least!

The payoff to the match is Paige returning from filming Christmas Bounty 2: The Desolation Of Miz to save Nikki Bella, then beat her up because REASONS! None of it really makes sense beyond “everybody hates everybody and nobody’s even sorta likable,” which I guess is the mission statement of the Divas division, but hey, it’s Paige. If I can have a show with Paige or a show without her, I’m picking with.

BEST: TRAMMAPOLINE

From the very excited thing I wrote as soon as the show ended:

If you missed Raw, John Cena’s U.S. Open Challenge was answered by none other than NXT Champion Kevin Owens. That by itself — the image of Kevin Steen standing in the ring with f*cking John Cena — would be crazy. What happened is … so far beyond that.

Owens explained to Cena that HE was the one who injured Sami Zayn, and that Zayn was broken long before his Raw debut against Cena a few weeks ago. Cena responded by saying that Zayn showed him heart, and that Owens has none. There’s nothing that bothers Owens more than having Sami Zayn’s awesomeness thrown in his face, so he backed out of the open challenge and kicked Cena’s ass anyway. A boot to the stomach and a pop-up powerbomb later and the NXT Champ was standing on the United States title belt and You Can’t Seeing Me (you can’t see me-ing?) in the face of The Face That Runs The Place. Holy crap.

It’s such a perfect moment born from the most ridiculously fantasy-booking-obsessed parts of my brain that I can’t even analyze it. Owens is using an open challenge for a United States Championship match to talk shit about Sami Zayn. He’s being condescending to John Cena, a man who ABSOLUTELY CANNOT HANDLE CONDESCENSION. He’s establishing himself as the perfect foil for Cena because he represents the opposite of everything Cena stands for … he’s not American, he doesn’t love America’s troops, he will give up if he thinks it’s not worth his time, he won’t wrestle matches for nothing to prove vague points, he doesn’t work out all the time, he has a family, he killed himself on the indies for 15 years, he wasn’t handed shots, he’s not handsome, he’s not a movie star, he’s not beloved by Hollywood producers. He’s not a face that runs any place. He’s a fighter. He’s independent wrestling. He wrestles in a t-shirt. He loves his kids and hates everyone else’s. He’s the every man, with the understanding that every man is actually an asshole.

Cena’s great, too, because he’s such an impossible person. He knows who Owens is, and knows that “Sami Zayn is great” will get him off his game. He’s also arrogant enough to let his guard down and think Owens will get as intimidated by him as Zayn and Neville were. He has no idea what a pile of shit this guy is, and it’s great.

My only worry is that Owens’ awesome “we’ll fight one day on my terms” is happening so soon and not years from now, because it would’ve been a really cool moment to flash back to when things truly mattered, and because I don’t want Cena just automatically getting his heat back and Rusev’ing Owens on a smaller scale. I’m not asking for Kev to trounce him at Elimination Chamber, but I hope he ends up looking as good there as he did here.

Worst: The Authority Vs. The Authority, The Legend Continues

The main event of the show was a video package sandwiched between more of The Authority arguing and punishing themselves for no reason. They force Kane to introduce Rollins and kiss his ass, and Rollins keeps exacerbating it. Dean Ambrose interrupts and The Authority backs off to make Rollins not be a coward and fight him one-on-one, then jump in anyway when he starts getting beaten up. Ambrose holds Rollins hostage to get a match he wants and The Authority gives in to keep Rollins from getting hurt, then jump in anyway and save him when they could’ve just said HEY HEY HEY HEY HEY and like, jangled some keys to distract Ambrose for the same amount of time. Then Ambrose gets the upper hand, only to lose it to Rollins, and this is just a wacky mess that keeps going around in circles and doesn’t put anybody over.

Rollins looks like a coward because he can’t win a one-on-one fight and has to take cheap shots. That’d be fine, except the people calling him out on this are the people HELPING HIM TAKE THE CHEAP SHOTS and simultaneously putting him in situations that benefit and hurt him. It’s so bi-polar. The Authority has no idea what it wants or what the end game is. Kane’s a lap dog who sells out every time he gets close to breaking free, so there’s no value in hoping he’ll break free, and no threat in him sticking around. Dean Ambrose is a jerk who tries to get thematic revenge almost a year later, but can’t pull the trigger and gets beaten up. CONTINUES DERP SOUNDS.

Best: ROMAN REIGNS RETURNS

FINALLY.

Best: Top 10 Comments Of The Night

Harry Longabaugh

Why are they drinking champagne out of milk flutes?

RyanHYK

Kane: “You made me angry and questioned my authority, so you’ll be facing Bray Wyatt!”

Dean: “Don’t you mean I’m facing you?”

Kane: “Well, normally, that’s how it would work, but then who’d face Roman?”

Cami

At Elimination Chamber, Titus pins Kofi for the title, and the ref awards the belts to The New Day.

EasyEW

(Lana lays a big smooch on Dolph Ziggler)

Lana: You still taste like Amy Schumer.
Dolph: How do you know what Amy Schumer tastes like?

The 1005th hold

Dolph and Lana were making babies, and Rusev saw the babies, and one of the babies looked at him!

PhilBallins

I feel so bad for Ryder. His broskis never stick around, his hoeski left the company, and Trotsky was assassinated like seventy years ago.

Makerting man

Steph: “Health is of the Utmost importance of our superstars and diva”
Brie “Why don’t we have health insurance then?”

LBCS

It is very sad that Paige’s ring is her house.
Hornswoggle can’t be a good roommate

SHough610

WWE Too Hot For TV or as it was known in 2010 and 2012: Connecticut Opposition Research

AddMayne

KEVIN OWENS IS BEATING UP JOHN CENA, LANA ISN’T WITH RUSEV ANYMORE, ADAM ROSE DOESNT HAVE ROSE BUDS, DOGS AND CATS LIVING TOGETHER, MASS HYSTERIA!

Thanks, everybody. See you on Wednesday for NXT!

She may not be a great wrestler, but Tamina is a hell of a smirker.

Pre-show Notes:

– Hey folks, make sure not to make your nifty exits without sharing the SmackDown report! Here’s dem buttons…

– Join the cool kids’ wrestling club by following With Spandex on Twitter and Facebook. Follow yours truly on Twitter, too!

Hit the next page to continue smacking down…

Kevin Owens realizing he can say anything he wants about John Cena on Smackdown without repercussion.

Pre-show Notes:

– Hey folks, become a real champ by sharing the Smackdown report! Here’s some handy buttons to help you out…

– Join the cool kids’ wrestling club by following With Spandex on Twitter and Facebook. Follow yours truly on Twitter too!

Hit the next page to continue smacking down…

Worst: So Nice They’re Giving It To Us Twice

Yup, they’re just giving us the opening tag match from Raw again (as a Smackdown main event, naturally) even though it ended on a perfectly acceptable, conclusive note the first time around. No explanation, no context, no tweaking, just literally, “Here’s the exact same thing we gave you on Raw, because what are you going to do? Not watch Smackdown? We dare you, you pathetic wrestling addict and/or guy who gets paid to write about this stupid show.”

To add insult to injury, Jerry Lawler ineptly tried to make a silk purse out of this sow’s ear by saying the Raw match was “so nice, we’re giving it to you twice.” Eat every tender morsel of my sh*t, Jerry. You don’t even want to know what I’d do to live in a world where I’ve only seen some combination of Dean Ambrose, Roman Reigns, Kane and Seth Rollins wrestle twice. You really don’t.

Worst: The Ultimate Smackdown Special

For those that may be new to these reports, a Smackdown Special is a promo, usually cut by Seth Rollins or Randy Orton, which serves no other purpose than to recap what happened on Raw and burn a few minutes off the clock. No new information, no real storyline development, just pure time-filling. At least we usually get a little padding. A bit of sass-talk, Kane coming out to make a tag match or something. Not tonight!

Here’s a timeline of Smackdown’s opening segment…

2:30 into the show, Dean Ambrose starts recapping his wacky run-in with the law from Raw.

7:30 Dean Ambrose finishes the recap.

8:10 the promo is over. No run in, no jibber-jabber, nothing. Forty seconds of actual content is all they could drum up for the opening of Smackdown.

Oh, and if you were hoping there would be some sort of repercussions for Dean Ambrose commandeering a police van and beating guys up with stolen nightsticks on Raw, well, LOL. The rebellious Dean Ambrose is also best friends with the cops and they let him borrow the van, weapons and uniform, OK? Stop thinking so hard.

Worst: The Most Polite Lumberjack Match Ever

WWE seems to be intent on building up the tag-title match at Elimination Chamber via matches, where 3/4 of the guys in the Chamber match have to stand around looking like useless *ssholes. On Raw we had a 10-on-3 handicap match, and now on Smackdown we get Catsaro vs. Lucha Dragons with the rest of the tag-team division as lumberjacks.

Now, this may sound like a solid match-up on paper, but it didn’t really shape up to much. Lumberjack matches always suck, regardless of who’s in them, and Kalisto was badly off his game tonight. The first hurricanrana Kalisto hit looked like crap and things didn’t really improve from there (ironically Sin Cara actually looked better than usual). Also, the lumberjacks never did a goddamn thing. No beatdowns, no brawling, they just politely rolled the guys back into the ring whenever they fell out. Even the commentators were bewildered by the lack of drama, and killing the drama is pretty much why they exist.

Best: Aaaaaa-men

This little segment combined two of the most underrated things in current-day WWE – Seth Rollins being over the top offended by normal pro-wrestling situations, and Jamie Noble saying words.

Rollins can’t even believe that piece of human garbage Dean Ambrose got out of jail then attacked him with foreign objects! The temerity of that man! Then, for no particular reason, Jamie Noble pipes in with a story about his Aunt Baby, who talked to the ghost of Elvis and made a to-die-for apple-dumpling pie. If Aunt Baby doesn’t become the new Sister Abigail, this whole company can go to hell.

Worst: The Resurrection of Little Jimmy

Big news everybody! R-Truth referenced Little Jimmy during his pre-match promo! Well, OK, it’s only news by R-Truth segment standards, but I have to write something here other than “R-Truth had an R-Truth match.” Let’s see, what else can I talk about? How about Jojo’s less-than-impressed reaction to Truth’s “whoomp, there it is”?

Ouch. Soooo yeah, R-Truth had an R-Truth match and King Barrett lost again. Anything can happen in WWE.

Best: Gaining The Upper Hand

Lana and Renee Young have the exact same hair color and shade of spray tan. Some day Renee should come to work sporting a business suit and sock bun and see if anybody sends her out for a Rusev segment.

Renee asks Lana about what happened with Rusev on Raw, and WWE’s new top female babyface talks about how you shouldn’t show emotion lest you lose the upper hand. She then basically admits she has no feelings for Dolph Ziggler and is just using him in her game of emotional chess. Man, this breakup hasn’t been nearly as fun as I thought it would be. When is Lana going to burn her leftover Stars of the Russian Federation, get sloppy breakup drunk, then wake up next morning to discover she took the American Citizenship Test on a bet? Her heart is still Russian, but her passport now says American. Well, nothing to be done about it, off to the American flag bikini store.

Anyways, Rusev has finally caught on, and decided to use a little STRATEGY. He’s not jealous at all, no sir. He destroyed Dolph on Raw, so give him all your WRETCHED KISSES if you want, he’s still the better man. Lana, who was extolling the virtues of staying aloof, like, 90 seconds ago, is immediately shaken by Rusev’s obviously fake bravado. Cherish this small victory Rusev, because it’s going to be short-lived.

Worst: Poor, Poor Rusev

This was a rough watch. The first half of the match was exceptionally dull, with Rusev and Ryback trading the most half-hearted arm wringers and chinlocks possible. Then Rusev went over the top and landed awkwardly, suffering a “lower leg injury”. From my vantage point I’d say he broke his heel, which is painful as a motherf*ck.

Despite his injury, Rusev, stud that he is, keeps wrestling. Dude’s hitting suplexes that put weight on his foot, and he’s still moving around at a decent pace and making it work. Rusev’s gutting it the hell out, and I’m actually getting into the match, but then Ryback decides, “whatever, we’re still doing the powerslam reversal spot” and Rusev lands on the foot again, and that’s it. You can see it in Rusev’s face, he’s done. Everybody just stands around for a bit, not sure what to do, then Rusev half-heartedly shoves Ryback into the post for the DQ to end his misery. A bit of sad reality in the “never give up, always defy the odds” world of WWE. Here’s our final image of Rusev as we cut to the next segment…

Oh, you poor broken ogre.

Best: Making Up For Last Week

To the folks complaining that I didn’t do enough complaining last week, let me reiterate that Paige’s promo on the last Smackdown was really, really, really bad. I don’t know that her calling Tamina a man was necessarily transphobic, but it was mean-spirited and childish and stupid as hell. Thankfully, Paige had a much better outing this week.

In her pre-match inset promo, Paige stuck to the facts, saying she was owed a championship match, and she doesn’t appreciate Naomi jumping the line. That’s all we needed. It goes without saying at this point that Naomi’s inset promo was great. If you don’t agree, y’all can go on and get out of here.

The match itself was pretty solid too. Naomi taunting Paige early on was fun, and her stomping Paige’s hand and knee-dropping her arm was some good heel work. For her part, Paige showed some impressive strength by grabbing Naomi out of mid-air and transitioning to the RamPaige for the win. Good stuff. You’re almost forgiven for last week, Paige. Almost.

Best: A Unique Perspective

What the hell is Michael Cole doing out here? Him no longer caring enough to show up on Smackdown has been one of the show’s few saving graces lately. Kevin Owen’s promo started off a bit rough. He had to plug the WWE Network and chew through lines about John Cena having 57 terrible T-shirt designs and 1000 different ways to suck. This is Kevin Owens as scripted by WWE writers. Get used to it I guess. Cole was also being disrespectful as usual, rolling his eyes, interrupting Owens and just generally being a snide little sh*t. Cole should have been eating an apron powerbomb 30-seconds into this interview.

Thankfully things picked up in the closing stretch. Owens covered Cole’s mic and laid things out sweet and simple. If he’s willing to murder his best friend Sami Zayn to further his career, imagine what he’s going to do to a walking obstacle he has no personal connection to like John Cena? He then declared that the real champ is here, which was a good capper. Not as good as hitting Cole with a package piledriver, but I’ll take it.

Worst: A F*cking DQ? Really?

So, what did they do to make this Ambrose and Reigns vs. Kane and Rollins match feel worthwhile after doing the exact same thing on Raw? Absolutely nothing, that’s what! This match stuck as close to the basic tag-team playbook as possible. Most of the match was taken up by an overly long, overly boring heat segment on Dean Ambrose. Things did pick up a bit once Reigns was tagged in, as he and Rollins traded a few solid reversals. Reigns turning an attempted superkick into a roll-up, and then herking Rollings up for a powerbomb was a particularly nice little sequence. Eventually Reigns hit the Superman punch, which Rollins did an absolutely astounding sell for, and then…J&J Security ran in for the DQ.

Are you kidding me? You’re going to give us the exact same match you gave us on Monday, except with a worse finish? Whatever, let’s just go for maximum absurdity and keep doing this match with crappier finishes each time. We had a roll-up on Raw, and a DQ on Smackdown, so how about next week on Raw we have the match get thrown out when somebody kicks too much ass in the corner? On the Smackdown following that, have Jimmy Uso run in and get the pin when the ref mistakes him for Roman Reigns.

Best: The New Authoriday

After the match, Ambrose and Reigns take out The Authority, so who should Kane call out but THE NEW DAY. Listen, I know they had The New Day come out because The Authority were going to get the upper hand in the end, but they wanted somebody Reigns and Ambrose could LOOK STRONG against, but whatever, I’m taking this at face value. As far as I’m concerned, The Authority and The New Day have officially joined forces and I couldn’t be happier. This, my friends, is positively best for business.

Hey folks, before I go, just a note that there won’t be a Smackdown report next week, because I’m getting hitched and will be on my honeymoon. Don’t worry, if anything important goes down, I’ll address it the week after. What? It could happen.

Pre-show notes:

– Unbelievably, this is the go-home show for Money in the Bank. It’s been a month of “every day there’s a pay-per-view” jokes and it still doesn’t seem appropriate.

– With Spandex is on Twitter, so follow it. Follow us on Twitter and like us on Facebook. You can also follow me on Twitter.

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And now, the Best and Worst of WWE Raw for June 8, 2015.

Worst, Honestly: The Build For Owens/Cena II

Last week’s column featured a lengthy thing about how close the John Cena vs. Kevin Owens feud had come to creative honesty, and how it had totally chickened out.

Cena’s statement about how his marketable tenet (“never give up”) and the passion and emotions that made Kevin Owens claw his way up from the independents for a decade and explode NXT are one in the same is powerful. It connects characters. It connects generations. It says that if Cena is WWE’s big phony representation of garbage pandering, the message he panders is the one that breathes life into the wrestling business and creates superstars. The thing we hate and the thing we love are the same. That’s the story. Instead, it became “Kevin Owens beat me at Elimination Chamber but I’m great and he isn’t a real man.” Cena really emphasized the “real man” stuff. It was … disappointing, but not unexpected.

This week, they get into a non-threatening pissing contest about their abilities to offer open challenges, and it results in them just kinda standing in the ring shoulder-to-shoulder and not doing anything. The point seemed to be that Owens wanted to assert his dominance and show that his NXT Championship meant more than Cena’s US title, and, uh, he did that. He beat Cena clean at Elimination Chamber. The story continues for whatever reason, and there’s not really a new wrinkle to it. It’s just, “did you like that? Here’s more of it.” I guess my response is that yes, I like these people, and these people are good at doing things, so maybe let’s have the people do things?

Best: Neville Cares More About NXT Than WWE

As an idealist wrestling hipster who is super quick to take sides and appreciates Noble Dudes above every other character type, I loved (x 100) Neville pulling a Hideo Itami and saying he wants to fight Kevin Owens. It works because Owens is such an awful guy who deserves to get punched in the mouth, it works because Neville’s still fresh from NXT and that place (and that belt) mean the world to him, and it works because hey, Neville can’t beat Owens but had Cena dead to rights on Raw last month. Isn’t it crazy that we’ve created a WWE world where Kevin Owens is a bigger and more pertinent threat than John Cena?

Best: Owens Vs. Neville

The basic story with Neville’s Raw career is that the Red Arrow is the most obliterating finisher ever, so if he hits it, you’re toast. He’s not really effective outside of it. He can’t put you away with a bunch of different moves from his arsenal, it’s either that or nothing. It’s a lot like how they used to book Justin Gabriel, when he was an easily-dispatched Nexus crony who could also occasionally pin John Cena if he could connect with his big-time top rope finish. Gabriel never evolved beyond that, so once he stopped being able to hit his move, he was nobody. We’re still early enough in Neville’s run to believe he’ll be fine, and that the character depth will come.

Neville vs. Owens doesn’t allow itself a lot of complex storytelling, but it follows the observable trend: Neville repeatedly tries to set up for the Red Arrow, and Owens has to avoid it. He does, so he wins. It’s that simple. The stuff in-between is fun (and on this show, comparatively epic), but there’s not a lot to it.

Cena on commentary is interesting. If you listen to what he’s saying, he’s great. He’s calmly putting over the wrestlers in the ring and explaining why they’re worth giving a damn about, and he’s even successfully navigating the minefield of JBL Negro Leagues conversation. The funny thing is that he’s speaking in a really quiet, unassuming voice, which is guess is his “announcer” voice. It’s funny because Cena is NEVER EVER QUIET, especially when he’s communicating in-ring and calling spots so loud you could hear them from space. If I can hear you yell REACH TOWARD THE ROPES to a guy in the STF, I should be able to hear you say “Owens is a tough competitor” into a microphone without popping my ears.

Best: Y’all Be Good

So every time (every single time) there’s a multi-person match happening, Raw or Smackdown or both has a segment where a guy from the match comes to the ring and starts talking, only to be interrupted by a second guy from the match, and then a third, and on and on until everyone’s there. It’s one of their favorite gags. If they don’t do that, their only idea is “everybody runs out at once for no reason and punches stuff.”

Roman Reigns is in the Money in the Bank ladder match. He might have a chance of winning it, maybe probably! He’s interrupted by Dolph Ziggler and Kane and whoever else, but then R-Truth shows up and starts cutting HIS promo about how HE’S gonna kick everybody ass at Money in the Bank. Kane corrects him and tells him he’s not in the match. Truth is like, “you sure? OKAY BYE, BE GOOD” and bails. It made me laugh in real life, and is the first time in months (or possibly longer) that they’ve intentionally done something funny and had it work for me. Usually their idea of a joke is “your breath smells bad” or “you’re dressed like Sherlock Holmes.” This played on hacky WWE tropes and their tendency to randomly insert R-Truth into multi-person matches, and credit where credit’s due, it was goddamn delightful.

WWE loves trying to convince us that characters are “crazy,” but Truth’s the only one who’s made it seem legitimate. Craziness isn’t attacking people from behind and dressing up like a monster. Craziness is obliviousness. Craziness is losing a championship main-event because somebody threw soda in your face. Craziness is riding go-karts with an invisible little boy and not wanting to win a briefcase because you think it’s full of spiders. It’s rapping the same song for a decade as you smile and skip in a straight line.

Worst: Holy Christ Are We Seriously Doing Another Randy Orton Vs. Sheamus Match

Whenever Randy Orton vs. Sheamus happens, Raw should be required to stop the show, reset, and re-do the entire episode from the beginning.

You know it’s mad when this week’s most boring, tired match starts with a video package of highlights from last week’s most boring, tired match. Randy Orton and Sheamus are both talented performers when utilized to their strengths and worked into situations that ask them to be dynamic, but when they’re in the ring alone with each other they are the most Player One and Player Two motherf*ckers of all time. I’ve said it before, but watching them wrestle makes me stare at my TV like I’m trying to see a Magic Eye.

The fact that it ends with Orton nonchalantly throwing a chair at Sheamus’ stomach makes it feel even more futile. This was such a blatant time-killer it might as well have been a Tough Enough video package. It makes me feel like Shireen Baratheon, and Vince is just standing there stonefaced.

Best: THE SHIELD 2.0

Okay, back to the good stuff.

J&J Security have been disposable goons for Seth Rollins since their creation. They really only exist to take moves and provide distractions, and he’s already “broken up” with them and beaten them up. They’re still here, and the weird story of The Authority booking its own destruction and putting obstacles in their way by choice continues. They don’t have strong babyfaces making their lives miserable anymore because Cena’s preoccupied, Bryan’s injured and the Shield guys are dopes, so they have to make problems for themselves. Can’t you just be happy? You won. You own the company and everybody has to do what you say.

Anyway, J&J Security. They get into an argument with Seth backstage (again) and he decides to beat them up (again). My brain goes, “okay, he’s gonna have a match with them and Kane’s gonna be at ringside and Dean Ambrose will show up, and then The Authority will go HAHA WE SPEND THREE HOURS FILMING SKITS TO TRICK YOU and beat him up.” My brain isn’t always the most optimistic organ in my body. That was my appendix, I think, and it’s currently rotting in a landfill somewhere. I promise that’s not a metaphor for my wrestling fandom.

ANYWAY, J&J Security. Rollins makes them feel like garbage and threatens them, so they stand up to him … only this time they really stand up to him, tell him off and say they’re gonna kick his ass. It’s AWESOME. It starts with that same lovable Jamie Noble goober-speak and ends with Joey Mercury looking like a shoot bad-ass, and that’s pretty much the definition of what I want on Raw.

Worst: Is The Show Back On Yet

I know you expect a certain amount of reverence and understanding when you read these jokey, 8,000 word rants about Raw, but sometimes I have to be honest: I looked up at my screen during this, saw Dolph Ziggler and Kane in the ring and realized I’d completely spaced out and missed the entire setup. I had no idea wrestling was happening. That’s not a good sign, is it?

Worst: Lana, Wounded Baby Bird

Lana shows up and stands on the ramp for Ziggler/Kane, and folks on Omicron Persei 8 can see the match finish coming. Sure enough, Emo Rusev takes a break from listening to ‘Hands Down’ and sobbing to crutch out and threaten her. She steps off the ramp and twists her ankle, Ziggler gets distracted and Kane chokeslams him for the win. When it’s over, everybody kinds forgets what they’re doing and we hang out with Lana for a few minutes, watching her rock band and forth like Mankind until Ziggler curses too much and we go to commercial.

I hope the intent of this story is not HAHAH YOU BROKE MY HEART NOW I’VE CAUSED YOU TO HAVE A MINOR SHOE MISHAP. Although I’ll be honest, I’d love it if Rusev showed up on Smackdown all, “I know how much you loved those shoes! Now we’re even!” And then it’s just four straight minutes of ‘As Lovers Go.’

Best/Worst: Dean Ambrose

Dean Ambrose stealing the WWE World Heavyweight Championship and taking wacky photos around New Orleans for the corporate Instagram account is great if you love social media and don’t need your wrestling to involve people hitting each other. I’m kidding. It’s cute. Tumblr’s probably super excited about it.

The best part of the “Dean Ambrose is getting a ticket to Raw” gimmick is that he bought comp tickets from a scalper.

I’m surprised Dean didn’t barge into the Ticketmaster offices, toss somebody through a window and ride a bridge of tickets into the arena like Iceman.

Best: Hey, Summer Rae’s Back! Or,
Worst: Nobody’s The Face Ever

Anybody else miss Summer Rae on NXT? And by “Summer Rae on NXT” I mean “Summer Rae.”

She wrestles Nikki Bella, who follows the J&J Security trend of looking at the floor a little too much during promos. Did they start taping cue cards to the ground? She’s supposed to be addressing Paige’s Smackdown promo about how Twin Magic is garbage and the Divas division’s been stale forever, but instead just talks about Paige being insecure and jealous. Nobody’s likable, nobody’s paying attention to anybody else and the popular babyfaces are the worst cheaters. What are the Bella Twins, anyway? Calling them “tweeners” doesn’t seem to fit. They’re never in the in-between, they’re just hopscotching back and forth between beloved faces and conniving heels, sometimes in the middle of a match. Sometimes they coordinate their alignment, sometimes they don’t. Nikki only seems capable of seeing things through Nikki Bella’s eyes, even when fictional, written stories demand something else.

It’s not that argument of whether or not she’s “good” or if she has “a passion for This Business,” she’s just openly not participating in stories. She’s enslaved her twin sister, and they just forget about it and are friends. “She must be jealous” is the only thing she says when you pull her string. Cena wakes up and asks her if she wants cereal, she says the cereal must be jealous.

Worst: Goodbye Forever, One Notable Thing That Could’ve Happened

Miz TV is Raw’s walk of shame.

Miz cosplays Jared Leto and tries to interview Ryback, who has the TEMERITY to say MIZ is the one who always says the same thing. Yo Ryback, how many times have we heard about how you used to be hurt and now you aren’t and how you’re hungry? Instead of him becoming enraged and throwing a couch like we want, Big Show interrupts and a sassy conversation becomes THREE-WAY SASS. Miz gets dumped, Ryback gets the better of Big Show and … Shell Shocks him.

Now, I’m not involved on the business end of WWE, and although I’m totally it sometimes I don’t like being that guy who says “why didn’t you do business this way?” But seriously, if you’ve got a Big Show vs. Ryback Intercontinental Championship match on Sunday with almost no build and you want ANYBODY ANYWHERE to take something good away from it, isn’t it that Shell Shocked spot? It’s the only pop you’re getting, and you threw it away at the end of Miz TV in the middle of a bad Raw. Call me a know-it-all smark or whatever if you want, but unless Money in the Bank’s being booked by magical fairies, we ain’t getting shit from this now.

Best: Team Cree-P

Erick Rowan and Luke Harper are using the 3-D now, which is a great tag team finish for guys that big and strong. The Dudleys were tweeting about WWE not having balls almost immediately, and I guess we’re looking at a Discarded Wyatts vs. Bubba and D-Von match at SummerSlam, or one of the 16 pay-per-views between Money in the Bank and that.

That’s all well and good, but it continues one of WWE’s most unusual problems … the idea that young guys aren’t able to get over on their own, and that when they are, they are to be immediately torn back down. That sounds more severe than I mean it and it’s not always the case, but it happens more than it should. Remember when The Ascension showed up, were immediately buried on commentary by JBL and got beaten up by a ring full of old non-wrestlers? Remember how that payoff was them winning one match against the New Age Outlaws, nobody really selling it as important and then everyone forgetting it and moving on? Now The Ascension are Los Matadores in different clothes. Harper and Rowan aren’t getting The Ascension treatment, but what’s the point of having them do a move and immediately get called out on it? Shouldn’t we try to build some drama, and not just have social media be a checks and balances thing where everybody tattles and nothing happens but fussy typing?

Say Harper and Rowan wrestle the Dudleys at SummerSlam. Say they win. Even in victory, is the message that young guys can’t and aren’t allowed to try to do anything that worked before, because the guys who once did it are bitter gatekeepers? If John Cena keeps saying he’s waiting for a young guy to step up and beat his ass, then Kevin Owens steps up and beats his ass, why is Cena’s reaction negative? Shouldn’t it be the fulfillment of what he’s been asking for? If somebody does a 3-D, can we let them get two matches into doing it before the previous guys who did it are publicly complaining about their ballslessness? If you’re gonna make money, isn’t the money in the draw and the story? Don’t we want to create an in-universe narrative that compels people to watch the show and pay extra for the payoff, instead of some aimless complaining people scroll past?

That’s not to say you shouldn’t use social media to help the work, but when you’ve got the same guy instantly calling fans marks for being worked by his work. What the f*ck is the point of a work if you don’t want us to get worked? What are you accomplishing? Is it about BALLS HAVING? Because I bet it is.

Best: The New Day
Worst: … Are Not Enough To Make This Interesting

The rest of the show is a hodge-podge of “Money in the Bank participants having singles matches against one another” and filler, like this Big E vs. Titus O’Neil match that ends in (surprise surprise) a distraction. The New Day’s great, especially Xavier as the annoying hype man, and Titus has been better than ever in the ring lately, but it’s just … nothing. Nothing is happening. You’ve got Big E doing the New Day Rocks clap on O’Neil’s stomach while he’s got him in an abdominal stretch, and that’s shoot it.

Did I Stutter?

You’ve also got Kofi Kingston trying to have a competitive match with Roman Reigns, which would be great if Kofi hadn’t spent the last Entirety Of His Career being an easily-dispatched extra and we could believe some of the nearfalls. Just like the Big E/Titus match, I appreciate the work the guys are putting in, but they’re just not given anything. There’s no context to make this important because we’re just zipping in and out of Live Special builds and kinda swirling everything in a circle. I want to care. I desperately want to care, but the announce team sounds like buzzing and the screen looks like dim flashbulbs and I feel like I’m gonna pass out.

The good news is that WWE summers can be fresh, and no matter how obvious the result, the Money in the Bank ladder match gives us the ever-present “when’s Roman gonna cash in the Money in the Bank briefcase” conversation. That’s something. Brock will be back to be Brock and that’ll be fun, and we can head into SummerSlam with some optimism and maybe not get Bragging Rights and Fully Loaded and In Your House: Beware Of Dog crammed into the downtime. Let us breathe, man. Let some of this sink in and matter so we can relax and ask, “what’s next?” Because right now there’s no anticipation, there’s just the numb-ass feeling that you’re gonna shovel more dirt on the pile.

Best: J&J Security Is Legitimately The Best Tag Team In WWE

Instead of The Authority swerve, our main event gives us the Raw match perfected: The Authority booking a handicap match against itself, and it ending with a distraction rollup. The snake is eating itself.

The good news is that Joey Mercury and Jamie Noble are an incredible tag team, and that Jamie Noble hot tags are happening in Raw main events in 2015. They’re great because they’ve been allowed to develop characters and be around important situations without being the constant focus of them. It’s why Roman works so much better as Dean’s friend than as Dean’s superior. WWE booking right now is like trying to see at night. If you look directly at something, your eyes can’t take in the light and focus. You have to look at whatever you want to see in your peripherals. If you have Roman win the Royal Rumble and have the Rock raise his hand, he’s getting booed. If you have him be 1/3 of a cool thing and don’t spend the entirety of that thing saying ROMAN’S GREAT, it’s easier for us to see the reasons we would choose to like him.

Guys like Noble and Mercury work for me because they don’t feel like a fandom burden. They’re just fun wrestlers guys with distinct personalities who are good at what they do, and don’t always have to win or stand tall or whatever. Rollins is struggling right now because he looks like a geek that can’t get the job done, and we can’t even build a desire to see him get his comeuppance because he gets it every week. It’s stressful because we know they could do better, and we want better than we’re given. When Noble hits the ring and drops a guy with a spinning neckbreaker, though? All in.

Let’s say f*ck it and give Mercury the Money in the Bank.

Actually, uh, maybe keep him away from ladders.

Best: Top 10 Comments Of The Night

Mr. Royal Rumble, TheCensoredMSol

I feel lIke John Cena walking into a writer’s meeting and going “I accept” is how the last 10 years or so have gone.

LUNI_TUNZ

Kevin Owens: “We’re going to fight Sunday, so we’re not going to give the same match away free on Raw”

Crowd: BOOOOOOOOO!

This is why every match happens in a Best of 4,000 series.

The Real Birdman

They should start an IC open challenge and just have Ryback stand in the ring awkwardly for 3 hours

kungfuchemist

The way that camera zoomed in on Neville it looks like we are going inside his concussed brain to see Chrisley

threeve

Cena needs this match to finish so he can go start his shift as a late night Jazz Radio DJ.

PT

This is the kind of RAW that says, “Yes, workplace…I WILL work on Monday nights.”

Spitty

Dolph: *wipes away tears*
Lana: “Don’t cry, it’s nothing really”
Dolph: “Its not that, its just you, you sold a two foot fall like you had been shot, I’m so proud”

Sage

Owens was right. “We’re fighting Sunday. There’s no reason for us to fight now.” Someone write that down in large, neon marker and plaster it above the computer of every WWE writer’s computer, office door, and bathroom mirrors.

Kevin Nash Booked This

Dean Ambrose so wack, much wacky, wack guy.

Aerial Jesus

*shudders*

What’s happening on Nitro?

Thanks, everybody. See you every day ever!

Banking on a new sensation.

Pre-show Notes:

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Hit the next page to continue smacking down…

On Last Week’s Exciting Episode of WWE SmackDown!

Hey, folks. I’m back from my honeymoon! I’m like, a legit adult now, and the tropical sun has given me this weird pigment stuff in my skin. It’s crazy, but I think I like it. Anyways, last week, Rollins pushed the SmackDown Special to a new level, by literally recapping the entire last year-and-a-half of storylines for no reason.

Titus and Darren Young became the #1 contenders to the tag team titles, when Titus destroyed the Ascension, because FATHERHOOD MAKES YOU STRONG.

The Bellas are selfish plastic heels again (as opposed to selfish plastic faces) and Paige tried her damnedest to squeeze into the Daisy Dukes and cut an AJ Lee promo.

Roman Reigns looked strong. I think that’s all you desperately need to know. On with this week’s show.

Best: It Still Feels Like It’s Tuesday To Me

The opening to this week’s SmackDown was as formulaic as they come. Dean Ambrose comes out and cuts a SmackDown special, recapping the events from Raw, Seth Rollins comes out and shouts loud, angry words, then Kane wanders out to make a tag match or something. I still found myself enjoying the segment though, since it seems like they may finally be loosening Ambrose’s leash and letting him cut his own promos.

When left to his own devices on, say, an unsuspecting local news morning show, Ambrose is legitimately hilarious and unpredictable, and there was some of that spirit in this opening promo. Him running down all the guys in his New Orleans Twitter pics, admitting his clearly-marked “COMP” ticket wasn’t real, his clever “It still feels like Tuesday” bit. This was a guy having fun, and that’s what makes the difference; 99 percent of pro wrestling is formula. Most of those old ’80s and ’90s promos we loved could just be boiled down to “I’m mad at you, I’m better than you and I’m going to beat you up!” The delivery and personality is what made them. Let guys like Dean Ambrose distract us from the formula, WWE.

Best: My Favorite Jobber

I love watching The Miz lose. Nobody in WWE is better at it. He may never get within a 100 miles of the WWE Championship again, but the fact that he held it once still gives him that little bit of credibility. He’s not going to beat Ryback, but he could. Miz is also great at getting in just enough offense to make it look like a fight, while still making his opponent look great. Miz desperately pulling Ryback into the announce table, the out-of-nowhere Skull-Crushing Finale, the ridiculous hubris of trying to go for his own Meathook clothesline. Losing is an art, and Miz is a master at it.

After the match, ain’t give a damn, dickhead Big Show comes out, which is one of the best brands of Big Show. He claims he’s hard to impress because he’s always been a giant and has had a license to do what he wants from day one. Are you a biologist? No? Then you’re in no position to question. Big Show was BIG DOG in that hospital nursery. Ryback responds by shouting some slogans, and you know what? On paper this is the least exciting feud in the world, but this was just dumb enough to work for me. Don’t sing it, bring it, baby.

Best: APA In Tha House

King Barrett faced off against a shockingly still employed Jack Swagger, but the real story was of course R-Truth on commentary. Dude’s back on a full-on roll, and him confusing all the white guys on the commentary team for JBL and being confused about whether being on Money in the Bank meant being in the Money in the Bank match was funny stuff. This is actually smart comedy, not just random wackiness. There’s something ticking behind those crazy eyes.

As for the match itself, Barrett actually won! Despite a lengthy and elaborate distraction by R-Truth. I felt like I wanted give Barrett a reassuring hug. Your first step in your battle against distraction losses starts here buddy. Just don’t fall off the wagon.

Best: It’s Over

This segment actually first showed up on YouTube, but I felt I had to Best it because it was so damn good. Who knew Rusev had this in him? Anybody? This is a guy who started his career communicating via magic marker on wooden boards, and now the dude’s ready for a Cameron Crowe movie. I’m guessing Lana introduced Rusev to some of her acting coaches, so take note rest of the locker room, literally anybody can do real acting if they try.

Michael Cole is talking to Lana about her relationship with Dolph, and it seems like she may be legitimately falling for him, although she acknowledges his reputation. Depression beard Rusev storms the set on crutches and is, “Dolph’s been with all these other girls, I’ve always been with you. I’ve never needed anybody else.” Damn. That might be the realest line I’ve ever seen on WWE TV. Rusev is the classic guy, grasping onto the things he did right, while trying to ignore the ways he’s ruining the relationship. Also, how refreshing is it to have a guy called on his “reputation” on WWE TV for once?

I’m not sure where this is going, as Rusev’s ankle is busted and he’s not getting back in the ring for a while, but whatever, let’s make this a journey. I’m with you depression beard Rusev.

Best: A Good Ol’ Fashioned Pro Wrestling Match

Seth Rollins vs. Dolph Ziggler was just a nice, solid, fast-paced, hotly contested pro wrestling match. There weren’t any crazy spots, and didn’t break any new ground, it was just good and entertaining throughout. Dolph saw Rollins lose to his own security guys on Raw and knew he was at his most vulnerable, and Seth had extra pressure on him to pull off a win, and it felt like both guys were fighting for every inch. Every second of this match felt like a real contest.

As the match wore on, both guys broke from their formula a little bit, with Seth Rollins pulling out an electric chair and Dolph bringing some harder hitting than usual offense. Towards the end, we got some very nice, crisp reversal segments, and then Rollins won with a roll-up, which I’m fine with. Within the right context a roll-up can be the perfect finish, and this was one of those times. A good match that made both guys look better; you can’t ask for more than that.

Best: Celine Dion vs. Marilyn Manson

I wasn’t particularly looking forward to Paige vs. a tired-looking, once again heel Alicia Fox, but this actually turned into an entertaining little scrap of a match. Both girls put each other in some nice, mildly innovative holds, adding little extra knees and strikes to up the intensity a bit. Paige even slapped Alicia into an STF at one point. Thank goodness John Cena almost certainly doesn’t watch SmackDown.

Things got even better as the match went along, with Alicia hitting a nasty kick, clothesline combo and Paige nailing a freakin’ flipping senton off the apron. You could argue the finish was a little wonky, with Paige falling on her butt during the PTO, but it actually sort of worked for me. There’s no particular reason Paige’s opponent needs to be elevated for the move to hurt. The fact that Paige just continued to hold onto the PTO after she fell showed some good instincts. There’s been a lot of good, basic, energetic pro wrestling on this show, and this match definitely continued that theme.

Best: Prime Time Players Give Renee The Clap

WWE needs to lay off the “Darren’s GAY” wink-wink, nudge-nudge jokes in these segments, but I’m not about to Worst Titus and Darren dragging Renee into a Prime Time Players-themed version of The New Day’s clapping. That’s everything I love wrapped up into one beautiful package. A hamburger, taco and ice cream sandwich, except not disgusting.

Best: Money In The Bank Six-Man

Unsurprisingly, this WWE six-man main event was a lot of fun. They didn’t get a huge amount of time, so the pace never really slowed, and everybody had their proverbial working boots on. Neville in particular was rocketing around a pace I haven’t seen from him in a while. As a major bonus, the rest of The New Day were at ringside, and they weren’t just cheering on Kofi, but everybody on their team. Xavier Woods shouting “Do better, Sheamus!” was fantastic. I can’t count the number of times I’ve yelled that at my own TV or computer.

Roman eventually got the hot tag and was clearly having the time of his life being back in his six-man element murdering Kofi Kingston. Of course, things eventually broke down into a parade of finishers, but just as Kofi was about to eat a pin, The New Day ran in for the DQ. So, that was a bit disappointing, but everything that led up to the finish was fun enough that I’m willing to let it slide, and the show definitely redeemed itself before it went off the air.

Best: Roman Not Looking Strong

Hmmm, the main-event is over, we still have a few minutes to go, and Roman Reigns is being beat down in the ring. Well, we know where this is going. Fist cocks, hooo-ahs, ect. Or failing that, everybody will team up to put Roman down, and the camera will peer into his hurt, soulful eyes in our final shot. Either way, he’s the one and only guy who matters.

Mind-blowingly, that didn’t happen. The New Day hit their double-team finisher on Roman, and that was it. He was a non-factor for the rest of the show. Instead, it looked like The New Day were going to be the focus of the go-home show, but then Dolph Ziggler reappeared with a ladder of his own. A brawl broke out on the floor, and Neville used the distraction to get in position and hit a huge splash from the top of a ladder in the ring onto everybody outside. It wasn’t quite a Red Arrow off a ladder (saving that for the PPV I suspect) but it was a pretty spectacular dive nonetheless. After wiping everybody out, Neville climbs the ladder and poses with the Money in the Bank briefcase, and I’m filled with a feeling of well-being. Minor tweaks to the formula. Sometimes changing which guys are stuck in which slots. This is all I ask.

I don’t know if I’m still high and giggly on Puerto Rican sun or what, but for the first time ever we have an all-Bests edition of SmackDown! This is an easily repeatable thing, WWE. Good matches and allowing your employees to perform to the best of their abilities. That’s all you have to do. It’s good to be back.

Lana Kane is so much more than Sterling Archer’s on-again/off-again lover. She’s one of the top field agents in the International Secret Intelligence Service, and someone that is known equally for her brash and cutting wit, her cunning in the field, and her incredibly strong hands. And because of all of that, and the use of the Aisha Tyler voiced character to deliver some of Archer‘s best lines, we wanted to celebrate Lana’s most quotable moments.

“I am literally wet with jealousy.”

When Lana and Cheryl discuss their reasons for why they work at ISIS, Cheryl laments she has to split a billion dollar inheritance with her brother, Cyril. Lana replies as expected.

“Anxious? About a half-drunk first timer driving a submarine idiot taking me to the bottom of the ocean to face 40 eco-terrorists led by a crazy person who’s about to bomb the east coast with nerve gas?”

As a less-than-sober Sterling (as if there’s any other) pilots a submarine taking them to an underwater sea lab, Lana isn’t vague about her concerns.

“Uhhh, with your looks, maybe bitchy is not the way to go.”

Trish is a character voiced by Brett Butler who seems as though she’s only there to be ridiculed by the main characters. Lana is no exception, though there’s some hint of advice hidden deep within her scorn.

“Have you ever heard a country song?”

Sterling’s complete ignorance of country music, like most of his characteristics, is a thorn in Lana’s side. Trying to call him out on it only ends up frustrating her further.

“Your words made sense. Your sarcastic tone did not.”

With a Cuban hit squad out to kill Sterling — who’s already tense when he finds out his childhood hero, Burt Reynolds, is dating his mother — he surprisingly scoffs at Lana’s suggestion that they wait it out in the safe house. She handles it with her usual gusto.

“Shut your d*ckholes, get your gear, shut up again, and start walking.”

Finding themselves in the jungles of Columbia outside the hideout of El Contador, Lana doesn’t shy away from taking charge of the situation after Sterling and Cyril start bickering back and forth almost immediately.

“Animal Farm is a BOOK!”

Arguing the subtext of one of George Orwell’s best-known works while in space, Sterling seems to be perpetually unable to grasp the context of the conversation. Lana does her best to clarify it, but his response, as usual, pisses her off even more.

“I don’t need a baby to validate my existence.”

After Sterling’s favorite call girl, Trinette, shows up with a baby, a paternity test is in short order. Lana, meanwhile, staunchly declares her independence.

“My vulva is smoother than a veal cutlet!”

While a bomb scare threatens the maiden voyage of the luxury vessel Excelsior, Sterling takes aim at Lana, who proudly defends her honor and the spectacularness of her business.

Yup!

Finally, the moment you all came here for.

*Clapclapclap*. No, wait. *Clapclap*…*clap*. No, no, I can get this.

Pre-show Notes:

– Feeling down? If clapping doesn’t work, try sharing the Smackdown report! It’ll help! Probably. Here’s the buttons…

– Join the cool kids’ wrestling club by following With Spandex on Twitter and Facebook. Follow yours truly on Twitter too!

Hit the next page to continue smacking down…

Worst: Dedicated To The Courageous Jamie Noble

Hey, everybody. The band is back together! The Authority is united again, so that means the last couple months of Seth Rollins/Kane sniping and Authority dissension meant nothing. I mean, I think we all kind of knew that, and they needed to give Rollins some backup for anyone to buy him against Brock Lesnar, but Rollins and the Authority walking out to kick off SmackDown again immediately let all the air out of my sails.

We then got five minutes of Rollins lavishing praise on his Authority brethren. It was nice that Rollins gave a shout out to courageous warrior Jamie Noble, but I’m done watching Rollins and pals wank around. Yes, at one time I might have considered their self-congratulatory ass-patting sessions some decent heel work, but the point’s been made. I have better things to do with my life than listen to Seth Rollins say nothing for 10 minutes.

Worst: Stone Cold Steve Ryback

Then Ryback came out. Hoo boy. Ryback as a rebellious foil for the Authority will not go well. Ryback is best when he’s his own entity set apart from everybody else. A guy who shows up, marches around with dudes on his shoulders and doesn’t get involved in larger storylines. Ryback vs. Seth Rollins in a verbal showdown doesn’t feel fair. He’s like the local crazy cat lady who’s running for city councilor. He doesn’t belong at the debates, but he’s there all the same, shouting things that don’t make sense and making everybody feel kind of sad and embarrassed.

So, Ryback goes on a rant about the difference between a champion and a sell-out, even though those aren’t mutually exclusive things. He throws shade at Dean Ambrose not having the grip strength to hold onto the title. He calls Rollins a gutless child while bellowing in his airbrushed pajamas. I dunno, it was probably above average by Ryback standards, but that’s no great compliment. After that fiery-ish promo, Kane announces he’ll be wrestling Ryback later (euuuurgh). Then, as the Authority is strolling up the ramp, Rollins tosses out that he’s going to wrestle Dean Ambrose. Was he supposed to announce that in the ring? I wouldn’t blame Rollins if he zoned out and forgot.

Worst: It’s a Superkick Party, Uce!

Probably the most notable thing about this episode of SmackDown was that Jimmy Uso filled in all show long for Byron Saxton. He was okay. My vision for his future as a commentator is Uso hazy.

I don’t want to judge him too harshly on his first night out, but he doesn’t have the cadence down yet. He mumbled, spoke too fast and was hard to understand. Also, I don’t get the “Uce” thing. Jimmy Uso calls everybody Uce, but then everybody also calls him Uce. It’s confusing. He did slip in multiple Superkick Party references, so the Young Bucks should be pleased with his performance, but I’m missing Byron already.

Worst: Hair Pawing

Just when you thought Dolph and Lana’s “relationship” couldn’t get any more bleh, here’s Dolph limply scrounging around in Lana’s bun for a bobby pin for 30-seconds. Lana finally lets her hair down, and I don’t even care because it happened within the Dolph/Lana no-chemistry bubble.

Speaking of bleh, Dolph Ziggler and Sheamus had a match. Okay, it was fine, but I feel like this match has been on every show for the past two months. Halfway through the bout, Rusev comes out to harass Lana again, and you know what? Enough already. Yes, Rusev has been surprisingly effective as the broken man, but this is seriously hurting his character at this point. WWE needs to just take him off TV and bring him back fresh in a few months. Give Lana a chance to develop a character aside from “woman who is no longer Rusev’s girlfriend.”

Surprisingly, Rusev showing up didn’t immediately lead to a distraction finish, but the rest of the match was nothing special. Everything was kind of slow and sloppy, which Dolph badly screwing up his top rope X-factor at one point. Eventually, Sheamus brogue kicked Ziggler off the top for the win. Eh.

Worst: Do You Have A Follow-Up Line?

Okay, Lana doesn’t deserve Rusev. We get it, Summer. Do you have anything else to tell him? Are you waiting for him to ask you out? Rusev’s just barely past communicating via wooden boards; you may have to take the lead with this guy.

Worst: Naomi And Alicia Fox Forget How To Wrestle

Holy crap, what the hell happened here? In terms of sheer quantity of f*ck-ups, this was one of the worst matches I’ve seen in a good long while. I think I need to do a straight-up, old-school recap for this match.

Alicia Fox “hits” a terrible, one-legged dropkick. Naomi follows up with a kick, bad hurricanrana and wonky-looking bodyslam. Fox almost screws up a tilt-a-whirl backbreaker, and both girls get all tangled as they fall to the outside. Naomi tries to throw Alicia into the ring, but Alicia gets caught up in the ropes. Fox hits a move that makes no sense for the win. Nearly everything about this match looked bad.

As an aside, is Naomi eating Pop Rocks to color-coordinate her tongue with her gear? I’m going to assume her tongue usually isn’t bright green.

If she is, forget everything I just said, all the Bests for Naomi.

Best: Black Guys Clap Like This, But, Like, White Guys Clap Like This

Finally, a ray of sunshine breaks though the gray fog of this boring ass SmackDown! The New Day are giving Mojo Jo Jo a SERMON OF STRENGTH when the Prime Time Players show up to taunt them. This almost causes the New Day to give in to their worst negative instincts (“Titus looks like Donkey from Shrek!”) but then, just in the nick of time, Bo Dallas arrives to save the day!

Teaming Bo with the New Day is the most obvious thing in the world because they basically have the same gimmick, but WWE sometimes (usually) misses the obvious thing. Bo forecasted a 100 percent chance of victory, and yes, when he went to clap along with New Day, he couldn’t keep time because he’s white and has no rhythm.

Hey, sometimes the low-hanging fruit has the most juice.

Worst: Feed Me Bore

I wonder, is there anything that could possibly make Ryback vs. Kane any more boring? Hmmm, maybe the addition of the Big Show? Welp, here he is to attack Ryback before the match!

Big Show beats on Ryback forever with the slowest, weakest-looking stomps possible, then throws Ryback into the ring, because yes, apparently Ryback vs. Kane still has to happen. So, we get a few minutes of plodding Kane/Ryback “action,” which ends in DQ when Big Show runs in. Auuuugh. This of course leads to both Kane and Big Show beating on Ryback. Make… it… stop. This was, without hyperbole, the most boring 10 minutes in the history of the goddamn universe.

Best: All The Fun Guys In One Match

Maybe it’s because I’d just suffered through Ryback vs. Kane, but I had a hell of a lot of fun with this match. Basically, it was seven of the most entertaining guys on the roster (and Sin Cara) getting seven minutes to just mess around. That’s usually a recipe for success.

Kofi slapping Titus in the head only to be annihilated with chops in return. Bo and The New Day recharging their energy bars mid-match with a vigorous clapping session. The New Day and Bo rotating in for stomps on Sin Cara. Kalisto generally being awesome during the hot tag and finishing moments of the match. Titus, Darren and the Lucha Dragons dancing in victory just made me feel happy. I hear tell that’s what supposed to happen when the good guys win. Felt nice for a change.

Worst: Roman Reigns Has Given Up

Well, it looks like Roman Reigns has finally reached the acceptance stage in his mourning for his dearly departed career. Dean Ambrose is all fired up about his old nemesis Bray Wyatt going after his friend, but Roman is all, “Eh, whatever. Don’t hurt him or anything.”

Roman then finds a laser copy printout of his WWE.com promo pic in his locker, and with a heavy sign of resignation, decides he has to beat up Bray after all. While on his pointless quest, Roman speaks crossly to a WWE backstage employee, and Kane immediately shows up and bans him from the building for mild rudeness. Fist-cocking badass Roman Reigns responds by shrugging and stomping out the nearest exit. Spoiler warning: Roman doesn’t come back before the end of the show. I’m not sure he ever will.

Worst: Sigh. The Numbers Game.

This match kicked off with an extended series of arm-wringers. That’s usually not a good sign. Lazy Dean Ambrose was back in force, and Rollins was in no mood to elevate things, so this was 10 minutes of dirt-basic WWE action. Also, can we stop having every Dean Ambrose match revolve around somebody targeting his leg? Half of Dean’s offense involves him climbing to the top rope or jumping on somebody, so he’s forced to constantly ignore his “injury.” I mean, Ambrose could change up his offense when he’s selling his leg, but that would require, like, effort and stuff, so it’s probably best if he doesn’t sell at all.

Anyways, Ambrose falls victim to THE DAMNED NUMBERS GAME, eats a Pedigree and gets pinned. Yup, no Roman to even the odds. Sometimes, it feels like I put more effort into recapping these shows than anybody puts into making them.

Pre-show notes:

– As a reminder you’re probably already tired of being reminded about, Meet Me There, the movie I wrote starring Goldust and a bunch of independent wrestling notables, is available for purchase in actual retailers. If you pick up a copy, tweet at me about it and I’ll follow you/kiss your butt/be ingratiated to you until I make the next one.

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And now, here’s the Best and Worst of WWE Raw for June 29, 2015.

Worst: Come On Down, You’re The Next Contestant On A Boring Raw Intro

So back when Kane was debuting as a supernatural, fire-throwing monster that could rip the door off the Hell in a Cell and needed three tombstone piledrivers to go down, did you ever picture him as the third most important stooge in a 20-minute product placement gameshow Raw opening? Were you ever like, “wow, I wish Kane would stop burning the graves of his dead parents and make more jokes about going on vacation.”

Raw seriously opens with a solid quarter-hour of Seth Rollins giving The Authority gifts as a Thank You for helping him beat up Brock Lesnar once. He gives them all Apple watches (because they’re good at every form of social media he can remember to list on air), sends Kane on an all-expenses-paid trip to Hawaii and gives J&J Security a car. To illustrate the effectiveness of the segment, Big Show comes out and honks the car horn for like five minutes.

The entire time you’re like, “okay, this is going to end with Dean Ambrose filling the car with Nickelodeon Gak or Roman Reigns writing DOO DOO all over it, or maybe Brock Lesnar’s going to show up and F-5 the Hawaiian tourism guy,” but nope, nothing. The bad guys just get a bunch of gifts, Seth Rollins yells a bunch of corporation names and the crowd gets hyped for 2 hours 40 minutes of Raw with 20 minutes of bad guys being passively celebrated for nothing.

Segments I want to see next week include:

• a cursed tiki causing Kane to wipe out on his surfboard
• a cursed tiki causing Kane to throw his back out during a hula lesson
• a cursed tiki causing a spider to crawl on Kane’s chest
• Vincent Price trapping Kane in a cave and tying him up
• Kane resolving all his problems and bonding with the native peoples

Maybe after SummerSlam, Rollins will give Kane a trip to the Grand Canyon.

Worst: So Is Mark Henry Retiring For Real Now Or What

The first match of the night is Big Show vs. Mark Henry, which is sorta like the Beatles starting a concert with ‘Wild Honey Pie.’ Show wins with two knockout punches, and Mark is calling his family and seeing when they’d want to go shopping for salmon suit jackets before he hits the ground.

Ryback shows up and starts attacking Show because “WWE Babyfaces,” and there’s a great moment where The Miz (whose brain is clearly out to sea over this feud already) sneaks in, boots Ryback in the face and immediately bails up the ramp doing sarcastic Ryback taunts. That’s negated before it’s even had a chance to sink in by Ryback getting on the microphone and saying “I HAVE A MATCH WITH YOU LATER BUT I SAY WE DO IT RIGHT NOW,” and everyone just going along with it.

Soooo…

Worst: Count-Out Womp Womp

When Miz was on commentary, his major point was that when you wrestle guys like Big Show and Ryback you can’t take them on head-on, you have to “stick and move.” You have to run into the ring when they’re busy, kick them in the face and bail up the ramp. That’s what he did, and it reaffirmed (1) his point, and (2) that he’s an opportunistic jerk. When Ryback gets on the mic and says the threatening equivalent of YOU WANT SOME COME GET SOME, shouldn’t Miz’s response have been, “no, I’m not doing that right now,” followed by more sticking and moving?

They get in the ring, and Miz starts the match by powdering and running around. As soon as Ryback catches him and hits some offense, it turns into a Totally Normal Match, with JBL reassuring us over and over that Miz is “outthinking” Ryback by doing wrestling moves to him. Ryback hits the world’s least impressive delayed vertical suplex by resting Miz’s balls on the top of his head and basically asking him Miz to do a push-up on his thigh for 40 seconds, and that’s more or less enough to make Miz take a count-out loss. Cole’s new talking point is that Miz talks a big game, but when he “gets in the ring with these guys it’s not so easy!”

I wish WWE wasn’t so obsessed with the idea that purposeful count-out losses get you heat. They don’t, unless there’s some kind of hook to it. Guys just giving up on matches and running to the back don’t reflect badly on the performers, they feel like WWE backing out of decisive finishes and saying, “now the match is just over, sorry.” Booking decisions that feel like booking decisions instead of interactions between pro wrestlers are the worst. “WWE” shouldn’t be its own character, you know? In kayfabe shouldn’t a guy who gives up in the middle of matches be the first head on the chopping block?

They make an attempt to explain Miz’s motivations in a backstage segment, which I appreciate, but

1. Why not put this on the show? Wouldn’t it help people who watch three hours of your wrestling show to know why people are doing whatever they’re doing? Can we skip a few Did You Knows and product placement gags in an effort to understand the characters and give a crap about why things are happening? I shouldn’t have to multitask on multiple forms of media to understand basic sh*t about the show.

2. Miz is basically saying the match is meaningless and a training exercise for him, so … why is it happening? I get that it’s a heel explaining his way out of a cowardly situation, but again, if a guy bails in the middle of matches he deems meaningless, why is said dude getting title shots at pay-per-views? I feel like 75% of WWE’s problems would be solved if every feud and marquee match didn’t start because two guys bumped into each other and suddenly realized they had issues.

Best: Welcome Back, Cesaro

Some wrestlers are great, but get damaged so regularly for such a long period of time that nothing can save them. Bray Wyatt’s in that position right now. Bray could have a great match, but then he’d start speaking again and your brain would glaze over and you’d imagine all the ghost lanterns and spooky song children or whatever, and it’d be done. Some wrestlers are so great that no matter what happens, they can be unleashed for a moment and make all the meaningless sh*t they’ve gone through seem like a dream. That’s Cesaro. Cesaro is that good at wrestling.

Kevin Owens answers John Cena’s US Open Challenge, but reveals that he’s just going to sit in on commentary. Cesaro’s Cena’s actual opponent, wearing a Tyson Kidd commemorative shooting sleeve in case your heart wasn’t already with him. The match they have is one of the very best things I’ve seen on Raw all year, which is kinda obvious when you combine two of the best things about WWE right now:

1. John Cena’s in-ring work in these US Open matches, and
2. Cesaro at any point ever.

The match they have mirrors the one Cena had with Neville, only with Cesaro boosting all of his attributes and making the most of the opportunity he’s been given. “Grabbing the brass ring,” as it were. Just like the match with Neville, Cena’s opponent has him “beaten” until the guy Cena’s feuding with runs in and breaks it up. For Neville, it was Rusev. For Cesaro it was Owens, because Owens is a self-righteous SOB who doesn’t just want the United States Championship, he wants the glory of defeating John Cena for the United States Championship at a WWE pay-per-view and proving some broad, impossible-to-quantify idea of being better than the best.

The thing about Cesaro is that his work is INSANE. The guy has a balance, ring-awareness and actual unf*ckwithable strength that nobody else has. He’s a big vanilla Swiss guy, sure, but he’s so impossibly prepared to be a great pro wrestler that we sometimes take him for granted. Watch him counter the Attitude Adjustment, land on his feet, launch Cena into the air and uppercut him on the way down. Watch how effortless it seems, and how controlled it is. Watch Cena go for his wacky Code Red that he can’t really do, and watch Cesaro plant his feet and hold himself steady while 250 pounds of Cena attempts agility. Cena’s got a natural timing for the ebb and flow of WWE storytelling so I don’t want to make it sound like he didn’t have anything to do with the match being good, but when he starts in with that extended moveset full of sh*t he hasn’t practiced enough to get good at yet, he needs a guy like Cesaro in there to anchor him and keep it five-by-five.

With Kidd on the shelf for the next year and change, I hope this was WWE’s announcement that they realize they’ve got the best wrestler in the world just kinda farting around in the middle of the beginning of their shows and have decided to do something better with him. Personally I’d love to see Owens take the belt from Cena at Battleground and then have Cesaro have to power up to try and take it from Owens. Cena’s done great work with the US title but he can’t do it forever, and his accomplishments will mean so much more if the belt continues to have as good of a life without him. If you’re gonna put it in someone else’s hands, you could be working with worse hands. Hell, it could be the Intercontinental title.

If we’re fantasy booking Cena, his next humanitarian goal should be to team up with someone below him and revitalize the tag team division. Pair him up with Neville and let them do a Kenta Kobashi/Tsuyoshi Kikuchi thing. I want to see if Cena can turn The Ascension into Furnas & Kroffat.

Best/Worst: Have A Foxy Heel Turn!

The second best match on the show for me was Paige vs. Alicia Fox. Not as good as Alicia’s all-time classic with Melina, but pretty good. The Bella Twins are heels again, high-fiving each other at ringside and trying to cheat to help Fox win, but I’m starting to settle into the chaos theory of Divas booking, so whatever.

Alicia has always been one of the more underrated wrestlers in the Divas division, and I remain pressed that she hasn’t quietly drifted down to NXT to rip it up with Becky and Sasha for a few months. Regardless, her northern lights suplex is one of the 10 best looking moves in WWE, and it’s nice to see Paige get to work someone who can fall down and stand up without their brain flipping upside down and EMP blasting everyone’s ability to wrestle. We argue about it a lot online, but as respected as the Divas deserve to be, the division and women’s wrestling in general would be 1,000 times better off if WWE worked a little tough love into the presentation and got rid of the dead weight. Keep the ones who are good at some aspect of what they do (whether it’s wrestling or speaking or being marketably attractive) and give the Camerons and Rosa Mendeses of the world a nice severance package and a front row seat to the damn future.

Best: And Now More Things That Are Pretty Good!

In case you missed it on Smackdown, Bo Dallas and The New Day are friends now and Bo can’t get the hang of the clap, fulfilling a fantasy booking need that would’ve followed me to the grave had it not happened. So now we’ve got two confederated midcard teams: Bo and The New Day, and the Prime Time Players/Lucha Dragons/Neville squad. I’m absolutely okay with this. If I’m a kayfabe WWE Superstar and all the top level talent is getting jerked around and destroyed by top-shelf factions, why am I not aligning myself with every like-minded individual I can find?

Those teams (minus Neville) face each other in an 8-man tag, and while nothing of note really happens, it’s fun and a good use of the talent. Bo as face in peril for most of the match was weird, as was The New Day doing their clap in babyface situations for heel heat, but it all worked out like it was supposed to. They’ve done an outstanding job of making Titus O’Neil look like a f*cking destroyer in recent weeks, haven’t they? That guy never takes heat. He just tags in, throws folks around, does some sassy poses and wins. He’s like the world’s least threatening Goldberg.

Study question: do you ever get the feeling that Kalisto should’ve just been Sin Cara?

Worst: Let’s Ask The WWE Universe What They Thought Of The 8-Man Tag

Worst: How Do We Get Dolph And Lana To Go Private

Dolph Ziggler and Lana have the romantic chemistry of Michael Jordan and Bugs Bunny. I never want a crowd to chant “what,” but after listening to Dolph inhumanly mumble through a dozen “ums” and Lana complain about how Rusev made her dress a certain way while wearing the same thing she’s always worn might’ve deserved it. Ziggler and Lana are oil and toilet water, and watching them be way too aware of the crowd’s negative response while trying to plow through their declaration of love made me want to be single for the rest of my life. Who would invite this into their life? Love is dead, and Dolph Ziggler killed it with a sleeper.

Rusev shows up with Summer Rae and no knowledge of how crutches work and plays the YOU DIDN’T HURT ME, I’M FINE card, calling her a “cold fish” and saying kissing her was like “kissing that ring post over there.” The part I like is that Rusev and Lana were never about kissing. They were partners, wrestler and manager, united under the watchful eye of Vladimir Putin and dedicated to the destruction of stupid, low-level American professional wrestlers. Ziggler — a guy who would NEVER tell Lana how to act but has already changed her hairstyle and downgraded her career from “manager” to “wrestler’s girlfriend” — jumps in with some “hey hey heys” and acts like a total prick, because he’s a natural heel and Rusev’s always accidentally the babyface.

Rusev’s feeling are hurt so he tries to leave, but Summer Rae grabs the mic and launches into some EMOTIONAL REAL TALK. She tells Lana that Rusev is a kind-hearted guy who cared about her a lot, but that when he got hurt, Lana jumped ship. Summer knows she’s really just an opportunistic phony. Answer me this: did Rusev make Lana become a Bulgarian, or was it the other way around?

Rusev stands in the background on the apron with this look on his face where he knows what she’s saying is true, but he’s worked so damn hard to put up a front and act like none of it bothers him. Summer is actually being a great friend and sticking up for a guy who’s been physically and emotionally broken over the past few months, and … she’s the heel? F*ck that. F*ck Ziggler and Lana and the patriotic horse they rode in on. Summer knows what it’s like to be on the ass-end of a sh*tty WWE relationship and isn’t afraid to let Lana know she’s a Catty Little Cat.

Dolph and Lana should have a backstage segment next week where they say, “hey, you know what? We shouldn’t have made our relationship a public thing and used it for petty revenge. Sorry. We aren’t going to talk about it anymore.” Then we should get a vignette of Rusev and Summer having lunch and getting along and maybe going to Six Flags.

Worst: Sheamus Needs An Intervention Or Something

Neville is just like a super hero. He’s the man that gravity forgot! Sheamus is just like a super villain, with the power to drain the energy of 10,000 people by standing near them.

I don’t know what’s going on with Sheamus, but spend a day on the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles set appears to have completely zapped him of his wrestling ability. He’s always been kind of a crappy character (“I’m Irish! Whoops, that’s it!”), but his ring work has always been good, especially when he’s a face. He takes a great beating, and he’s big and strong enough to throw slams and strikes that actually look like they could hurt someone. Since he got the mohawk and the beard that looks like a dog’s ass, though, he’s been the worst. I don’t know if it’s me or him or the moon or what, but he needs to take a step back, watch some tape and realize that what he’s doing is abso-f*cking-lutely not working. There’s no reason a Neville/Sheamus match should be terrible. EVER. Neville made Bo Dallas matches seem like social events. Why is Sheamus spending 60% of a Raw match standing around staring at the crowd, waiting for them to say something? Holy sh*t.

Worst: All Work And No Play Make Jack A Dull Boy

Hey look, Jack Swagger’s back! And he’s totally not dead inside.

Nope, he’s totally fine. He’s okay not being on TV for months and then showing up to lose to Wade Barrett. That’s not the kind of thing that would make you feel empty and worthless.

This t-shirt with the big handprint on it isn’t a reminder of a time when “we the people” got over, or the days when Swagger was wrestling heavily-promoted WrestleMania matches. It’s just a t-shirt. Being a good hand is fine. WWE needs good hands. Not everybody can be a star. Ha, get it, good hand? Like the hand on the shirt? That’s a funny joke.

No, he’s not dead inside. He’s got a happy life. He loves wrestling. It’s what he’s good at. Remember when Jim Ross was here and could make sure he was gonna be okay, because he’s an amateur wrestler from Oklahoma and JR loves those more than anything? Remember how safe and protected he used to feel? He’d gotten really good for a while. But yeah I guess that’s why he’s still around.

Yep. He’s still around.

Jack Swagger is not thinking about how much better things would be for him on Mars.

Worst: The Show Goes On (And On, And On)

And now here’s our main-event, the exciting, fresh matchup of Dean Ambrose and Roman Reigns vs. Seth Rollins and Kane. Earlier in the night Reigns had wandered in on Ambrose having a conversations with some prop Terminator skeletons because he’s a lunatic, and because his one friend having imaginary science fiction friends is less stressful than the kidnapping, Bioshock nightmare he’s been sitting through. On the other side, Kane is getting ready to go to Hawaii on vacation. These are WWE’s main-event storylines.

The match is no disqualification, so OF COURSE they stand out on the apron waiting for tags instead of just running in and hitting each other with chairs. Eventually it breaks down, and we find out that the no-DQ stip was there so Bray Wyatt could attack Roman but The Authority could still win the match. See what I mean about match finishes seeming more like booking decisions than match finishes?

Anyway, Ambrose is immediately dispatched and disappears into a Mystery Hole. Reigns sticks around and successfully fights off four dudes for a while before finally succumbing to multiple finishers, including a powerbomb through a table. He’s still kinda sorta fine until the very end, when Bray Wyatt wanders BACK out and hits him with Sister Abigail. The match ended at 10:01 and there was like 14 minutes of guys standing around beating up Roman Reigns. You keep thinking Dean’s vanished because he’s snuck off to commandeer the J&J Cadillac to drive it into the ring or whatever, but nope, it’s just a massive, extended, depressing beatdown. It’s continuing proof that no current WWE babyfaces are good enough to challenge The Authority, and that The Authority has to create drama and fight amongst themselves to feel worthwhile. Brock didn’t come back for revenge, The Authority authorized him to come back and is giving him a title shot because they’re feuding with their own guy. Roman and Dean are helpless, Ryback and Ziggler are so low on the card they’re somehow below it, Randy Orton teleports in and out of existence on a whim and John Cena’s busy working an ROH show in 2007.

HOPE YOU’RE EXCITED FOR BATTLEGROUND.

Best: Top 10 Comments Of The Week

Redshirt

That’s a nice Tupac hologram of Jamie Noble.

Sage

AND YOU GET AN APPLE WATCH, AND YOU GET AN APPLE WATCH, AND YOU GET AN APPLE WATCH! And everyone in the audience? Look under your seat! You’ll find…PICTURES OF ME BEATING BROCK LESNAR.

ThisArticleIsShit

Nobody buys sticker price, Seth.

Aerial Jesus

How long before Ambrose poops in that car?

Amzingred

Seth: now you all make sure to have your beast spayed and neutered.

LBCS

Couple seen making out in the middle of the ring several times to go public.

JonSte13

But wait what was Dean doing chilling with the Bella Twins backstage?

Mr. Royal Rumble, TheCensoredMSol

Pink hearts, orange stars, yellow moons, green clovers, blue diamonds, purple horseshoes, and gold briefcases.

The Real Birdman

Being no DQ, I’m assuming Noble will hit Dean with the car, only to have Dean rebound off the apron and clothesline the car.

MaleNurseTracksuit

Guys we are the high school girl in that signing away your rights tobacco commercial, and RAW is our cigarette.

Thanks, everybody. See you at 5:30 AM on July 4th for Brock Lesnar: Tokyo Drift.

Pre-show notes:

– In case you missed it, make sure you read The Beast And Worst Of Brock Lesnar: Beast In The East Live From Tokyo.

– Final shill until it’s relevant to the conversation again: Meet Me There, the movie I wrote starring Goldust and a bunch of independent wrestling notables, is available for purchase in actual retailers. If you pick up a copy, you’re automatically my best friend. We’re supposed to hang out this weekend!

– With Spandex is on Twitter, so follow it. Follow us on Twitter and like us on Facebook. You can also follow me on Twitter.

– Share the column! Your shares, likes and other Internet Things are appreciated.

And now, here’s the Best and Worst of WWE Raw for July 6, 2015.

Best: The God Of Violent Retribution

Brock Lesnar from a brutal, international upside-downing of Kofi Kingston and is looking for revenge on Seth Rollins.

Lesnar works like Beetlejuice, I guess, so if you mess with him three times it means your ass. The first time Seth formally messed with Brock was at WrestleMania, when he cashed in his Money in the Bank briefcase to Curb Stomp Roman Reigns and win Brock’s belt. The second time was the next night, when Rollins enzuigiri’d Brock so hard it turned Brock into a raptor, then fled the arena to escape a title rematch. Time three was two weeks ago on Raw when Seth reunited The Authority and they took Brock to Stomp City.

This week’s show opens with Paul Heyman as Jules Winfield from Pulp Fiction, stomping around The Authority’s apartment, eating its burger and drinking its tasty beverages. He drops faux-biblical lines like, “the sword that shall pierce Seth Rollins’ shield” (nice) and, “Seth Rollins, you have broken the 11th commandment. Thou shalt not intentionally provoke the Beast, Brock Lesnar.” I want Brock to show up to the match at Battleground dressed like the Pope. A Pope that does the will of The Lord by picking up smaller dudes and chucking them into things.

Worst: Take A Second To Think About How Much Better Off The United States Championship Is Than The Intercontinental

There’s an old idea in booking pro wrestling that you don’t put a title on a guy who deserves it, you put a title on a guy who needs it. If a guy’s already popular and over, why does he need a title? If you give a guy who isn’t quite there that championship bump, it can put him over the top and get him where he needs to be.

While that’s probably still true for everywhere else, I’m not sure WWE’s secondary championships work that way anymore. They spent what, 15 years making sure those secondary belts were as unimportant as possible? They merged them, unmerged them, had tournaments just to put the belts on guys who don’t defend them for most of a year, whatever. It’s like they started handing out title runs so guys’ action figures would have cool accessories.

Look at the two belts running parallel to each other right now, the United States and Intercontinental Championships. For the US title you’ve got a guy who absolutely does not need it, John Cena, defending it every week. It’s become arguably the most important belt in the company because it’s built around competition, and the freedom (cough) of an open challenge. A guy like Stardust or Cesaro can challenge for it without a ton of build and look like a million dollars because they’re hanging with John Cena. You can debut Kevin Owens and wedge him into Cena’s title run and make him seem like one of the most important guys in the show in like three weeks. Cena’s not LOSING, either. He’s beating all of these guys, in scenarios that without proper context would cause us to roll our eyes about how he’s not giving anyone a rub. The championship has created a version of John Cena that makes Cena, the belt, the lower level of competition beneath him and the general point of pro wrestling look positive.

What’s going on with the Intercontinental Championship? Two of the most situationally boring wrestlers in the company are feuding about who the audience likes least while a loosely-related third party tries to get them over by sarcastically yelling for five minutes about how they’re terrible. Big Show is wrestling Ryback — not a recipe for instant success despite them having some workable stuff in the past — and Miz shouts over it. There’s no buzz or momentum for anyone involved, everyone’s spent the better part of their career losing to whoever’s around, and the great legacy of the belt in modern history is (1) Daniel Bryan winning it, promising to revitalize the division and immediately having to retire, and (2) a Dolph Ziggler/Luke Harper ladder match that everyone’s already forgotten.

I feel like the idea was supposed to be Cena doing what he’s doing with the US title while Bryan did something similar with the IC belt, building to a big moment between them down the road. Or maybe Sami Zayn was going to debut and beat Cena, Owens was going to debut and beat Bryan and we’d just move NXT up a couple of leagues. Who knows? All we have to show for it is some bad midcard stuff that would be exactly the same without one of them wearing a belt to the ring. Take it home, this feud.

Worst: Speaking Of Feuds That Need To Take It Home

I was going to make a joke about how long the Bellas vs. Paige feud would’ve lasted if they were on Lucha Underground — two episodes, tops — but I think they’ve been teasing the next step in the feud for longer than that show’s been on the air. Paige is upset at the massive Bella pull in her various houses and wants change. The Bellas are changing from heel to face to heel to face like they’re The Riddler’s color-coded automatons from Arkham Knight. Alicia Fox put on a shirt that says TEAM BELLA because if she’s gonna be out there, she might as well wear the merch of the people who matter.

And that’s just where we are. The wrestling isn’t bad (keeping in mind that Nikki is still way better in the ring as both a wrestler and a presence than Brie no matter how hard she’s trying), but the Wrestling Show around it just feels like a whirlpool. We’re going around in circles, and eventually we’ve either gotta disappear down the drain or get out of the f*cking water. That NXT ladies Nexus attack needs to happen at Battleground at the latest, and if it doesn’t, we need to bring Kharma back with some pentagrams on her shit and finish the Bellas arc for good.

I would also accept a returning Aksana as a well-meaning Lithuanian satanist.

Worst: Roman Reigns Snatches Bray Wyatt’s Wig

1. Please tell me that was Bull Dempsey cosplaying as Bray Wyatt. TELL ME BRAY CONVINCED HIM TO DO IT BY OFFERING HIM A BAG OF DORITOS.

TELL ME THE DORITOS WERE HAUNTED.

2. Sheamus should cash in his Money in the Bank briefcase for a shave and a mulligan on the past three months. I don’t think there’s a wrestler who shows up and makes me want to change the channel harder than him, and it seems so ridiculous. Sheamus is obviously a very good wrestler, but good grief, his existence makes me want to put my head under a tire. I want to chain myself to a television and throw us both off a bridge. Him getting a count-out win to “protect” him and Reigns is equally goofy because it happens so often, and raising the briefcase like it’s a championship has always cracked me up. It’s like carrying a Slammy to the ring. You aren’t defending it. It’d be like Ric Flair holding up one of his robes after he won.

3. “Randy Orton has not forgotten what Sheamus has put him through!” Uh, pretty sure I have. They’re feuding over Sheamus kidnapping Randy Orton’s daughter and trying to have ghostly tea parties with her, right?

Best: Dolph Ziggler Gets His

AKA “Rusev and Summer go public,” I guess.

Rusev wants to apologize for wasting a year of his life on that “Lana that calls herself woman,” and while the promo is supposed to be from a heel perspective, it makes a lot of sense. Think about it. Rusev was this Bulgarian karate guy who liked to write peoples’ names on wooden boards and break them. He’d already made it to NXT when he ran into Lana, a Russian lady who hated America, loved Vladimir Putin and (thought it was never clearly specified) managed Rusev’s affairs. They never really pointed out if she was a girlfriend or a manager until they broke up — she was a girlfriend — and what did Rusev do to show her he appreciated her? He became Russian. He worshipped Putin. He fought so hard for a foreign country that they made him a hero of their federation. He was given a GOLD STAR MEDAL by the PRESIDENT OF RUSSIA for being so good at what he does. Lana clapped for him and did hand gestures for him when she wanted him to camel clutch guys, but she started to change her mind. She started loving the crowd reactions and craving attention. The crowd chanting “we want Lana” became the mission, not “Rusev crush.” Rusev was in the middle of the biggest fight of his life against Unstoppable-ass John Cena, and Lana kept screwing it up. He was emotionally and physically broken, and what happened? Lana ditched him. He handled it poorly for a few months, but the broader picture is that he gave her his life and she lost interest. She sold him out in that I Quit match thinking she was helping him, because Lana doing what the crowd wants and making them cheer became more important than Putin’s pro wrestling mission.

Once again, Dolph and Lana wander out to rub it in Rusev’s face. He can’t just cut a promo on them to make himself feel better and leave; they have to walk out, remind him of how much he f*cked up a few months ago and MAKE OUT IN FRONT OF HIM, because they’re adults. Summer is like, “why are you guys such dicks?” They threaten her with violence. They’re the worst “cool” characters from the worst 80s movie about the Cold War ever made, and Lana’s just this catfighting, presumptuous arm-candy without an identity. She went from RAVISHING RUSSIAN LANA, following a f*cking tank to the ring at WrestleMania, to being the sassy accessory of a sassy guy who doesn’t care about anyone but himself and has a shit history with women.

So, because sometimes good wins out over evil, Rusev beats Dolph Ziggler to death with a crutch.

It’s hard to say it on a show with Brock Lesnar killing a Cadillac with axes and Cesaro tearing it up in a main event, but this might’ve been my favorite moment on the show. It was like therapy. Rusev is this sad, hateful fish out of water who is good at stuff and tries hard but doesn’t know how to handle emotions or express himself in personal situations, and I don’t think I’ve ever identified with a character more. That probably makes me an awful person, but f*ck you, Putin would like me.

Watching Ziggler get the John Morrison goodbye with a stretcher job and a crushed throat should legitimately be the end of his WWE story. If he wants to take time off to be a stand-up comedian or whatever, let him do it. Ziggler the wrestler is good (and sometimes great), but Ziggler the character needs to crash-land in Siberia and get eaten by wolves. I want him to never show up again, and then 20 years from now when Rusev retires as a 10-time former WWE Champion with his happy wife Summer Rae and their beautiful Bulgarian-American children, Dolph can induct him into the Hall of Fame from one of those wheelchairs that talks when you type.

Best: Bo Dallas

Bo agrees with me about Ziggler. Whose side do you want to be on, the millions and millions of people who enjoy WWE every week, or Bo Dallas and a blogger with emotional problems?

Worst: Dean Ambrose

Every time Dean Ambrose loses on pay-per-view and then “manages to pull one out” against a guy like Bo Dallas, the announce team should be replaced by that clip of Christian Bale yelling OH GOOOOD FOR YOOU.

Best?: King Barrett Vs. King What’s Up

Now that CM Punk’s gone forever (until the end of his first fight) and AJ Lee’s not around to draw “CM Punk” chants, the Chicago crowd’s come back around to being pretty great. Stop furiously typing at me, Chicagoans, I said you’re great.

If you need an example of this, look no further than King Barrett vs. King What’s Up. These guys have wrestled each other, what, 400 times in 2015? Sometimes they wrestle five times a show. Every commercial break they do a quick Wade Barrett vs. R-Truth match. Anyway, it’s nothing fresh and we’ve all seen it before, but the crowd went along with it … and by the end of the match, they were rocking and rolling. The crowd’s count-chanting falsies and reacting to moments and spots like they’re watching Bálor and Owens. I’m not saying a crowd should pretend like everything they’re watching is great, but if the match ends up getting pretty good, it’s nice to know the crowd’s paying close enough attention to notice it.

Worst: Let’s Ask The WWE Universe What They Thought Of This Match

Best: Titus By God O’Neil

I kinda want Titus O’Neil to just retire as a wrestler and immediately, permanently join the announce team.

The Lucha Dragons vs. The New Day was fun, but Titus taking JBL to the announcing woodshed is one of the best things I’ve ever heard. There’s not enough of it in the Fan Nation video, but man, it was the Brock Lesnar vs. Kofi Kingston of announcing battles. Titus just caught JBL in the air, tossed him up to reposition him, then dumped him on his f*cking head. He even drops a “got eem” from the Deez Nuts guy somewhere in the middle to show that he’s working without a net. Beautiful work. Wrestlers need more opportunities with a live mic. Thin out the ranks of the people who think they can talk, and retrain wrestlers (and wrestling fans) to know what a “good promo” can be. Just talk, man. I’d rather hear a human being talk than another “THIS SUNDAY, AT SHOW NAME, I, RANDY ORTON, ETCETERA.”

Supplemental Best for Xavier Woods yelling, “YOU BETTER WORK, KALISTO, YOU BETTER WORK” and making himself laugh.

Best: The New Day Just In General

If you can watch this video of Jojo trying to interview the New Day and getting threatened away by their loud-as-f*ck positivity without smiling the entire time, you might biologically be dead. These guys are so good at this, and I want the narrative of the Day and “Josephine” to continue. Eva Marie’s catching a case of the Try-Hards and Jojo’s turning into the new Renee. Maybe season 1 of Total Divas happened for a reason.

Best: And Now, Brock Lesnar Destroys A Cadillac With Axes

I didn’t give it a Worst because I didn’t want to think about it again, but the bad comedy happening around The Authority all night was the worst. Kane got horribly photoshopped Hawaii vacation photos that I guess he couldn’t just hold a fruity drink backstage and pose for — what, Kane’s never been to a beach in real life? Nobody in his family has a phone or a camera? — and J&J Security got a bad “road trip” video someone made on their Macbook 20 minutes before the show started. Triple H showed up briefly to have one of those intense, face-to-face confrontations with Rollins where he clearly loses interest in the middle or becomes too aware of the situation. I still think he’s trying to get Seth Rollins killed so he can replace him with Kevin Owens, and they’re doing a whole Jacob and Esau thing.

Anyway, that bad comedy was worth it for the payoff, which is Seth Rollins and J&J coming to the ring with axe handles — actual axe handles, not the kind Macho Man did — and “calling out” Brock Lesnar. They make the mistake of driving J&J’s Cadillac out onto the stage (with it’s sweet camo racing stripe, because Jamie Noble rules), so Brock shows up, DOUBLE-WIELDS FIRE AXES and demolishes the car with weapons. Every person you’ve ever met made the Street Fighter II bonus stage joke, but it’s appropriate. It gets even better when he breaks Jamie Noble’s arm, suplexes Joey Mercury into the windshield and tries to Kung Lao decapitate a fan in the crowd with a hurled car door.

Has there ever been a more legitimately terrifying pro wrestler than Brock Lesnar? Like, I know we all have our favorites, but when Brock pulled a f*cking axe out of that crate, wasn’t there a moment when you thought he might actually flip out and attack somebody with it? When he ripped a car door off with his bare hands and discus-threw it across a damn arena, were you able to say “this is a normal human who’s acting like this because it’s part of a show?” Hell no you weren’t, because BROCK LESNAR. He’s the beast. He’s the best. Both of them.

The match at Battleground should start with Rollins driving the mangled car onto the stage during Brock’s entrance and running him over, only for Brock to explode out from underneath the wreckage and send car parts flying everywhere.

Best: The Main Event

Last week’s show featured a John Cena vs. Cesaro match for the United States Championship that ended with interference from Kevin Owens, but was good enough to be considered one of the best (if not THE best) Raw matches of the year. This week they do it again, only they go longer, fight harder, build to a clean finish and pretty much become the perfectly realized version of what an important, powerful secondary championship can mean.

There’s never a moment in the match where Cesaro doesn’t look like he belongs, or like he’s only there to make Cena look good. These men are equals, whether they’re equals in stature or talent or not, and they give it all they have. You keep waiting for that moment when Owens runs out and messes it up, but it doesn’t happen. Cesaro keeps lifting Cena from ridiculous positions, Cena keeps expanding his moveset and breaking out pop-up headscissors takedowns, and even stuff like the sloppiness of his springboard stunner is part of the story. He doesn’t get it all, so Cesaro’s able to recover and shake it off. Even at the end when Owens DOES finally run out (post-match, thank God), Cena fights him off but does so in a way that makes him look cool and tough, and not like a guy who forgot to sell. Cena does that a lot. He’ll end the match and be totally fine, because none of the damage really happened or mattered. Here, he’s taken such a beating and told such a tight story that when he tosses Owens out of the ring, he wearily goes to a knee and puts his fist up. He’s scratched, sweating, breathing heavy. He’s a tough f*cking champion, and he survived that attack not because he’s an overpowered goober who compromises the reality of wrestling, but because he knew it was coming and fought back. That’s AWESOME.

Cena’s post-match speech putting Cesaro over says more than I could ever say. I want this to matter for him. I want this to matter for the show, you know?

It’s so rare that a show’s final match is not only the longest match on the show, but the best. For once, Raw truly got a main event.

Best: Top 10 Comments Of The Week

Harry Longabaugh

At this point, the old woman on Seinfeld is the only person who wants her Ryback.

Youngace904

*Turns on RAW*
*Sees Sheamus with Roman in a headlock and hears CM Punk chants*
*Sigh*
*Goes back to hunting RIddler trophies*

The Dudebuster

Fandango looks different then I remember.

SportsEntertainment720

Brock’s a lumberjack, and he’s OK.

He eats and sleeps all night, conquers and repeats all day.

XPacEnergyDrink

Kevin Owens is like the kid that bullied you in grade school and Brock is like that kid’s older brother who “went away”

ThisArticleIsShit

“If that car could tap out it would.”

If that car was sentient it would be dead. From an axe.

Edwin

That was nice of Brock to put some speed holes in that car.

The Real Birdman

“Why’s Cena’s body vertical like that during a delayed suplex? – Ryback

Axiel

Sudden Death. 300% damage a piece. First Smash Attack will win this.

JonSte13

Go til 11:30 you crazy bastards. 11:30 AM.

Thanks for reading, everybody. See you next week.

I’m digging The Shield’s new look.

Pre-show Notes:

– Hey, it was actually a really good Smackdown this week. Let’s celebrate with social media shares! Here’s the buttons!

– Join the cool kids’ wrestling club by following With Spandex on Twitter and Facebook. Follow yours truly on Twitter, too!

Hit the next page to continue smacking down…

Best: Tonight, I Call You Lana

Roman Reigns has seemingly stopped trying to be a good promo, which might be a positive thing. Roman’s spiel to kick off Smackdown was still plenty dorky, but he came off loose, unforced and generally likable. Much better than his deer in the headlights, “Oh God, I can’t screw up this fifth grade book report” delivery of the past. It also helped that the Sacramento crowd seemed particularly enamored with the guy for whatever reason.

Reigns kept the recap short, and jumped right to point, saying he was totally down for a family vs. family battle with Bray Wyatt. Before he could get to the fist cocking and belee that-ing, Rusev came out to interrupt him. As weary as I am of show-opening talky segments, I’ll admit I’m right back into them so long as somebody slightly unexpected interrupts the proceedings.

Roman Reigns’ American arrogance reminds Rusev of that cold fish Lana, so, for tonight, Rusev will call Reigns “Lana.” Ooooh, snap. That was actually mildly edgy by PG-era standards. Reigns pretending he couldn’t understand Rusev’s perfectly acceptable English was kind of rough, but him calling Rusev a sexist freak who should stop dressing his girlfriend up like a Barbie doll came off like an honest, unscripted reaction. I’ll take genuine over Jack and the Beanstalk any day. Reigns still has a long way to go with the whole speaking words thing, but this felt like a step in a good, less stilted, direction.

Best: Kings. Kings Among Men.

Um, guys, The New Day are now carrying around a mini basketball hoop and dunking on the heads of unsuspecting crew members. Holy sh*t, how have I never thought of this? I cannot express how badly I want to go back in time and spend a solid afternoon dunking on my little brother’s head. Hmmmm, well, I suppose I don’t have to time travel to do that.

Anyone know where I can get a deal on a mini basketball hoop? Also, if I could get two volunteers to carry me off like a king after the dunking, that’d be much appreciated.

Best: No Cutting In Line

The New Day vs. Prime Time Players and Mark Henry was super fun stuff. Big E was dropping verbal gold left and right, shouting “Just retire!” at Mark Henry (he’s saying what we’re all thinking!), and later insisting that everybody just chill out during a tense face-off on the outside. Xavier Woods’ defiant “Who sucks now?!” after doing an arm wringer was also classic.

The Prime Time Players were on their game, too. I’m calling it, Darren Young is officially an underrated guy in the ring. Partway through this match, Darren was just blasting around throwing wicked forearms, dropping Kofi on the apron and overhead suplexing Xavier on the floor. Dude was on a tear. This guy is ready to get out of the tag division and start wrestling real matches on his own. Titus and Mark Henry looked solid, too, and hey, Mark Henry actually got to pin a guy, so I guess that retirement isn’t happening just yet.

Supplemental Worst to Jerry Lawler for being particularly awful pretty much all night long. Dude actually made a joke about phonographs during this match, and was on his worst behavior whenever a woman was on screen. Well, okay, not his worst behavior, but worse than he’s been lately. That said, in the interest of balance, Jimmy Uso is gradually improving, and I chuckled at his comments about Titus knocking off Kofi’s nipples. Heh, nipples.

Best: Pop That New Day

And The New Day hits keep on coming. Rich Brennan/Rip Bronson accosts New Day backstage and asks whether they should go to the back of the line after losing to the tag champs, and they unleash some FURIOUS POSITIVITY on his ass. Of course they shouldn’t go to the back of the line, because Mark Henry pinned them, and he’s not one of the Tag Champs, so don’t point your filthy, nasty, disgusting, finger of negativity at them! Ohhhh, no, no, no!

Our heroes then tried to get a “Heeey, we want some New Day” chant going. Hmmm, that sounds vaguely familiar. Actually, the familiarity isn’t vague at all…

Sorry, guys. The last thing I want to do is get my favorite faction in trouble, but I have to assume somebody in WWE knows how to use Google.

Best: Now We Go To School

Naomi vs. Charlotte wasn’t a great wrestling exhibition, but it was satisfying in its own right. Basically, Naomi forgot everything she’s learned over the past six months and was once again going for Cena-esque springboard whatchamacallits, ugly monkey flips and the ol’ butthole to the head assault. Thankfully, Charlotte wasn’t about to put up with this old-school Divas division clowning, tapped into her Submission Sorority powers, and gave Naomi a (sadly figurative) spanking. She just chopped the crap out of Naomi, bulled her over, and slapped on the Figure Eight, and this match was done. But then…

Best: Lazy Booking Equality

Sasha and Tamina hit the ring before Naomi could tap, but instead of the match just ending in DQ after two minutes, the mysterious invisible Smackdown GM turned it into a tag TEAM match. That may not sound like progress, but it is. The women won’t truly be equal until they get to play with everything in WWE’s Big Box o’ Tired Wrestling Tropes.

Anyways, Charlotte and Becky Lynch vs. Naomi and Sasha was much better than the previous match. Also an improvement, Becky Lynch has dropped her Christmas elf look in favor of her hilarious/awesome frilly bloomers Final Fantasy gear. This outfit forever. Even though there haven’t been any real storylines since the NXT women got called up, they’re already doing a great job of subtly establishing their main roster characters. Charlotte is a monster, who’s tapped into her Flair genes and gained even more power and confidence since being called up, while Sasha is a little shook, and trying to find herself after being forcibly stuck with Naomi’s B-team. Just look at the “ohhhh, sh*t” look on Sasha’s face after Charlotte murders Naomi with a crazy sequence of headscissor suplex things. I’m not even sure how to describe what Charlotte was doing, but Sasha’s reaction was warranted.

I don’t want to give anybody in this match short shrift though. Becky was her usual solid-as-hell self, and worked great with Charlotte. Even Naomi got back on track halfway through the match with some nice heel mannerisms and nasty forearms. The BAD girls beat on Becky for a few minutes, but, eventually, she escaped, and Charlotte unleashed a hot tag barrage that Roman Reigns could take notes from. Unfortunately for Charlotte, she then found herself the victim of a (somewhat messy) roll-up by Naomi. I’m fine with that. I have a soft spot for Naomi, and am into her slightly tragic struggle to remain relevant in the new, more cut-throat Divas division.

Also, and from the beginning of the Charlotte hype package, to the end of this match, WWE devoted more than 20-straight minutes of TV time (almost half-an-hour with commercials) to women’s wrestling. Have they ever done that before? That’s what a revolution looks like.

Best: Use Your Time Wisely

I was tempted to give Stardust vs. Zack Ryder a Worst, for obvious Ryder-related reasons, but the match actually wasn’t bad. It was more back-and-forth than your average Ryder squash, and Stardust hit some genuinely innovative offense. That said, why the hell would you have Stardust wrestle Zack Ryder for five minutes, while this potentially career-making interview languishes on YouTube?

Get your programming priorities straight, WWE.

Best: Skin Masks And Bad Impressions

Hey, Big Show’s back! Was he gone? I dunno, maybe? Anyways, even though he’s just standing around backstage, he’s sweating so badly he’s managed to soak right through a hoodie. Show then launches into an extended Rocky impersonation, randomly segues into talking about the new Mission: Impossible movie, then goes off on how he’s going to rip off The Miz’s face and turn it into Halloween mask. So yeah, Big Show is doped up or dying or something, but, hey, it made for memorably bizarre 90 seconds.

Best: Roman Reigns vs. Rusev

Roman vs. Rusev was okay, in the way most Roman Reigns matches are merely okay. Both guys hit a lot of satisfyingly stiff shots, but there was no story, no build. Just “I’ll punch, now you punch, I’ll hit a clothesline, now you hit a clothesline…” for 10 minutes. It’s almost funny at this point. Roman came up as the guy who stood on the apron waiting for the hot tag, and he still doesn’t know what to do until he gets to run wild at the end of the match. Can somebody not take him aside and explain this? Can Eva Marie maybe let him take some of her classes with Brian Kendrick for the greater good?

But, hey, Roman is good at the running wild thing, and he does throw a good punch. Roman herking Rusev up for a deadlift German suplex and shrugging off a superkick to deliver the Superman punch were badass enough that I’m giving this match a marginal Best. Well, most of the match…

Worst: Trading Places

Way to ruin a potential all-Best Smackdown, terrible babyface Lana. We’ve come full circle — Summer Rae is killing it as the new Lana, and Lana has become Summer Rae from that dark era when she was trapped in an endless breakup with Fandango. Lana is now stuck running out to distract Rusev and catfight with Summer every night for no justifiable reason. Yes, Rusev keeps running her down, but he’s the bad guy. Be the bigger person. Or at least enact the kind of revenge the old Lana would be proud of. Don’t you still have Vladimir Putin’s email? Doesn’t he have any more Soviet Supermen who can teach Rusev a lesson? Playing the impulsive, weave-pulling woman scorned is beneath you.

Best: Welcome To War

So, Roman gets the distraction-aided win over Rusev, but we still have a couple minutes left on the clock, so here’s Bray Wyatt. Not exactly the show-capper I was hoping for, but Bray thankfully keeps things simple. Family vs. family is on for SummerSlam, and it’s going to be a war. Yeah, I can get into that. Keep exercising the brevity muscle, Bray.

Pre-show notes:

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And now, here’s the Best and Worst of WWE Raw for Aug. 10, 2015.

Worst: “I Look Like I Got A Nosejob From Picasso!”

This is the worst episode of Clutch Cargo I’ve ever seen.

This week’s Smackdown — this is Smackdown, right? — begins with a bunch of wrestlers getting into an argument until Daddy (played by Triple H) shows up and puts them into matches. Seth Rollins starts things off with a Conan O’Brien bit from 20 years ago, using Synchro-Vox to give a still photo of John Cena a superimposed mouth so he can say FUNNY THINGS. Capital letters. He’s interrupted by Cesaro, they’re interrupted by Kevin Owens, we’re all interrupted by Randy Orton, and then matches are made. The ghost of Teddy Long is standing beside Yoda and Obi-Wan in the background.

The worst part of the segment is, “I look like I got a NOSEJOB from PICASSO.” That’s the most direct-from-Vince-McMahon-sounding joke to make the show since the last time somebody had bad breath. Orton throwing shade at Kevin Owens’ weight was also pretty bad, but mostly because Owens didn’t respond with, “Didn’t you spend your first few years here doing drugs and sh*tting in womens’ bags?”

Worst: Becky Lynch, You Take On BELLY

In this week’s Divas Revolution, the Submission Sorority is now “Team PCB” because nobody thought to google “submission sorority” and that was their only idea. Also, Brie Bella pins Tamina with a horrible rollup. We’re through the looking glass, people.

The Bella Twins are faces again, by the way. I don’t know. Brie does Daniel Bryan’s moves in Washington to a big reaction, and they build to Team Bella getting a hot tag even though 1) the Divas Revolution only exists as a way to oust the Bella Twins from power via vague, backhanded threats from Stephanie McMahon, and 2) Sasha Banks was getting big “Sasha” chants. Like I said, I don’t know. They go in and out of it. Are they only heels when they’re wrestling white girls?

That seriously might be it. The Bellas turn into heels again after the match, but only when Paige, Charlotte and Becky interfere to help run them off. Charlotte and Sasha have a brief staredown which is cool if you watch NXT, but has no context or relevance on Raw beyond “we’re on different teams.” We’re still just throwing these women into meaningless matches and asking them to compete for nothing, and at SummerSlam they’re all in a match together for the same. Can we just lie and say Nikki has already passed A.J. as the longest-reigning Divas Champion so we can stop loitering in the name of revolution and start wrestling for a reason?

Additional note: Team B.A.D. referring to the Bellas as “Kardashians” was also interesting, because it felt less like an insult and more like the Bellas wanting someone to compare them to Kardashians.

A supplemental Worst also goes to Michael Cole for saying the Divas Revolution will continue this week on Total Divas, which is both incredibly telling and super-depressing.

Worst: Alicia Fox’s Punches

Just wanted to quickly point this out, jump to the 1:20 mark in the video and keep your eyes on Alicia Fox. Normally I like her stuff a lot, but man, those are some of the worst strikes I’ve seen in a while. It’s like she forgot how to punch. She just kinda steps too hard and touches you with the inside of her forearm. Sasha has to sell it like she just took a Hulk Hogan back rake, and Brie has to not sell it because she’s on the same damn team.

Best Ever: The New Day

First, Hulu is dead to me for always cutting The New Day out of 90-minute Raws.

Second, The New Day’s on such a different level of wonderful right now I’m having trouble explaining it beyond, “Oh my God, look what they did!” Big E’s entrance skip had already started making my heart swell to the brink of bursting, and now he’s dancing on the corpses of his defeated opponents. Seriously, watch motherf*cking Epsilon get it while Woods and Kofi whip and nae nae in his armpits.

Third, Renee Young finds them backstage in the middle of a New Day-themed parody of 2 Live Crew’s ‘We Want Some P*ssy’ (seriously) (SERIOUSLY) and tells them the Tag Team Championship match they expected at SummerSlam now involves Los Matadores and the Lucha Dragons. They deal with is as positively as possible, take turns namedropping great black tag teams (Harlem Heat! Doom!) and clap it out with Renee.

I love them. I love them for real.

Best: Randy Orton, Wrestling’s Best Match-Ender

As mentioned, Triple H puts his eldest son (Randy Orton) in a match against his youngest son (Kevin Owens) for a chance to face his troubled middle child (Seth Rollins). There’s also a foreign-exchange student involved, but we don’t really care about him.

My favorite part of the match was the finish, partially because pop-up powerbomb counters are still fresh and exciting to me, but mostly because Randy Orton is the best wrestler in the business at ending matches. I’ve always said that Orton’s not over, the RKO is, and I stand by it. People LOVE the RKO. If Orton was still beating people with the Overdrive he’d be Mark Jindrak. Give him the Diamond Cutter, though, and he’s a 12-time World Champion and the Vegeta to John Cena’s Goku. Owens goes to powerbomb Cesaro, Cesaro vaults over him and Orton just kinda pops up from the bottom of the screen and RKOs Owens. The timing was great, and the RKO coming “from outta nowhere” always works best for me when they break from “WHOOPS, HE JUMPED AT ME WITH HIS HEAD OUT AND HIS ARMS BACK FOR SOME REASON” convention. It’s still pretty cool when they don’t.

The end result of Orton beating Owens and Cesaro is disappointing, especially when you find out it’s just an excuse to further the Orton/Sheamus feud, but at least we had fun doing it. The Orton/Owens relationship is starting to feel like Hogan/Kidman to me. Like, Cena’s OK putting this guy over for a minute and treating him like a threat, but Orton’s like, “nope, exploder, backbreaker, RKO, eat a salad.”

Best:

Cesaro should start calling his springboard European uppercut the “New York slice.”

Best: A 5-Minute Undertaker Video Package

I feel bad typing it because I just gave a Worst to a 5-minute Undertaker video package in the vintage Best and Worst of WWF Monday Night Raw, but this was a good one. WWE’s deepest commitment is constantly reiterating how special The Undertaker’s streak was, so they can still “have it” even though it’s over. It’s a good business decision, although them continuing to release special collector’s edition DVDs of it is a little much. This is the company that said Triple H and Undertaker was “the end of an era” and Rock/Cena was “once in a lifetime,” though, so what should we expect?

Honestly, you could put audio of Paul Heyman yelling stuff over clips of anything and I’d give it a Best. Like, film yourself throwing me down a flight of steps with Paul comparing himself to molten lava behind it and I’ll Best it from my hospital bed.

Best/Worst: Something For The Sake Of Something Something

Dean Ambrose vs. Luke Harper happens, and that’s not something I should feel apathetic about. Still, it’s just a placeholder thing (with another clean loss for Dean) to build to a tag-team match at SummerSlam. Nothing’s on the line, really. It’s billed as “family vs. family” — it’s actually “family in the Fast & Furious sense vs. a cult that’s not really organized anymore but sticking together for some reason,” but family vs. family works. It should be fun, though, like this was for a minute. They fought a little on the outside, and as soon as the crowd got into it they took it home. Leave them wanting more? I don’t know. I can never tell anymore if they want us to watch Raw or buy WWE Network, because it’s usually one or the other.

WWE needs a tough-love continuity master or whatever to keep their stories in order more than anything, but they also need a person dedicated to saying, “This is why the story’s over, and this is why we’ve moved on to the next thing.” Wrestlers get into these dramatic life or death beefs and then stuff just stops and changes. What’s the end game for Bray Wyatt? What’s he trying to accomplish? Seriously? It’s not a condemning of the wrestler or even the character, but I feel like he’d work 1,000 times better if he had a clear end goal. In NXT, the idea was that he wanted to bring down “the system,” and that when he got called up to the main roster he was going to bring down the biggest system of all. I was in the crowd at his last NXT show … it was like listening to a magnetic preacher. Now he’s just this boring, rambling guy who walks like a crab sometimes and … that’s it? He’s kidnapping people, but not really, and threatening peoples’ families, but not really, and he’s doing condescending collages on backstage room walls for people to find and be freaked out about, but he’s still wrestling and winning and losing matches like nothing matters. I don’t think every wrestler needs an elaborate reason for why they’re a wrestler, but when you’re a crazy supernatural character it’d at least be handy to say, “This is what I’m trying to do.” Kane didn’t show up and just say “I’m a fire guy” and get into feuds with Savio Vega. Undertaker was a zombie controlled by a millionaire. Motherf*cker had a purpose.

Best: Hating-Ass Lana Gets What She Deserves

Lana, a person who is happy to be free from her ex and absolutely loves Dolph Ziggler, sits in on commentary for her ex’s match. Stay with me here.

Rusev wrestles Mark Henry. Neither Rusev nor Hot Summer seem to care much that Lana’s there. As the match goes on, Summer Rae gets on the apron to cheer for Rusev. Now, that in itself could lead to a heel act, but nothing happens. She gets on the apron and yells for a second, and the referee heads over and tells her to get down. Before that can happen, Lana LEAVES COMMENTARY and pulls Summer off the apron. A totally unprovoked attack FROM BEHIND, from the babyface. Rusev yells at her for ruining his match, and Summer recovers enough to roll her in to face him. Watch the body language when Lana’s getting to her feet. Rusev is being intimidating, but Lana’s the one about to do something. Just before Summer jumps her, she’s moving forward like she’s going to slap him again.

The followup is what Lana deserves: Summer retaliating for the cheap shot, and Rusev doing the old Lana “CRUSH” thing so Summer can Accolade her to death. Now the story’s gonna be that Dolph needs to heroically return and stand up for her or whatever, when she’s the one who can’t stop turning it into a self-centered, physical confrontation. In a related note, Summer Rae’s camel clutch is dope.

Oh, and before I forget, Rusev now has a PERSONALIZED BULGARIAN FLAG.

Best: “How Bout That Flag Tho”

Who do I have to throw a fish at to get replica Rusev flags on WWE Shop?

Best: Daniel Bryan Clap Clap Clapclapclap

I’ve had the “Ugh, I wish Daniel Bryan would go away and stay off TV forever” conversation with a lot of people lately. I’m the one saying it. As I may have mentioned before, it’s a total Harry and the Hendersons “goodbye, my friend” thing. He’s my favorite wrestler and I love him and want the best for him. I want him to be healthy and happy and tweet about how great his wife did when she’s throwing phantom punches and CM Punk kicks. I don’t want to see him getting “yes” chants for sitting in a chair at Tough Enough, because it reminds me of the past year and a half of hoping and praying he’d suddenly say, “JUST KIDDING, I’M TOTALLY FINE” and Knee-Plus Seth Rollins into oblivion. It’s … probably not ever happening.

That said, him getting the same crazy amount of love he got in his prime from his hometown-ish crowd warmed my cold, black, smark heart and once again tricked me into believing. A few minutes into his appearance on Miz TV, my brain was like, “Oh man, he’s gonna take Miz to the woodshed for sh*t-talking the Intercontinental Championship, and we’re gonna get Miz vs. Bryan at SummerSlam instead of Show and the increasingly Akira-ish Ryback. This has all been a bad dream. I’m gonna blink my eyes and it’ll be April of 2014 again, The Shield will still be together and Daniel Bryan will be WWE World Heavyweight Champion.” Everything from Kane trying to kidnap Brie on has been a hippie freakout.

Even without that, and ignoring my selfish fan bullsh*t, it’s great to see him on WWE TV again, smiling and getting crazy chants. And hey, bonus points for them tying Bryan’s IC title injury, Ryback’s IC title injury and Miz’s relationship to both into one big story. Ryback returning and wrecking everybody while his old Nexus buddy directed traffic was a lot of fun, too, but I have two complaints.

Worst: Two Complaints

1. Show describing Miz as a “cross-dressing Jedi manure spreader” was written by the Picasso nosejob guy, right? Fire that guy.

2. When Bryan was pointing at Miz, it was to set up a Meathook, and not a running knee. He doesn’t have to be medically cleared to run a few feet and jump with his knee bent, does he? Does he? :(

Worst: King Barrett Loses Clean, Easily, To Set Up A King Barrett Pay-Per-View Match

Wade Barrett is an old pair of shoes. I’m not even elaborating on it. He’s shoes. Put an old pair of shoes in the ring and rest a crown on them and that’s what Wade Barrett’s bringing to the show.

Best: Stardust Was Once An Adventurer Like You, Then He Took An Arrow In The Knee

The post-match stuff is all that matters, with Arrow star and future Casey Jones in Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 2 (the secret of the ooze?) Stephen Amell jumping in the ring and throwing hands with Stardust.

I don’t care about CW super hero shows even a little bit, but Amell hits a perfect guest star sweet spot. Sometimes you get a guest that legitimately loves WWE and/or pro wrestling, but they’re not an athlete. Jon Stewart’s a good example. Sometimes you get a great athlete who doesn’t care about wrestling at all, and is just there for publicity. Sometimes you get a guy like Bradley Cooper who isn’t an athlete AND doesn’t like wrestling, and he just walks out, says MY MOVIE’S COMING OUT, waves and bails. What works about Amell is that he’s a legitimate wrestling fan who wants to be here, and he’s an athlete, so what he does when he’s here looks good. Plus, he’s famous, but not famous, so he’s willing to mess around, get pie-faced or whatever and take some risks. It’s a perfect combination.

Plus, they managed to let him get over as an athlete AND as a personality in like a minute. Here he is standing up to Triple H while Neville stands between them looking like a lost child:

My only request is that he dresses like Arrow for the match, and that they go full Blood Runs Cold with it. The finish should be him shooting Cody with a boxing glove arrow. Also, Wade Barrett should have to wrestle the entire match as the Clock King.

Best: Another RKO, Because Why Not

Like most Randy Orton matches, the good work they do for 15 minutes doesn’t matter … it’s all about the finish, with Seth launching himself into a spectacular Jumping Nothing so Orton can snatch his flying edges and RKO him into dust. It was pristine and gorgeous, especially since it started like this:

Of course, you can’t have Seth Rollins defending the WWE World Heavyweight Championship without him being seconds away from helplessly losing until someone magically appears and saves him.

Worst: Sheamus, But More Specifically That Referee

Sheamus is a Flintstones push-pop in the body of a wrestler, so of course he spoils the main event and tries to cash in his Money in the Bank contract in the least effective, least believable way they’ve ever done it. Sheamus briefly (briefly) incapacitates Orton, the guy who was about to win the match, and is like YEAH, I’M GONNA CASH IN MONEY IN THE BANK RIGHT NOW, AND THERE’S NO WAY THAT GUY I’M FEUDING WITH WHO IS LYING LIKE 10 FEET AWAY FROM ME IS GONNA GET UP AND SPOIL IT.

He hands the referee the briefcase, and neither of them will let go. Sheamus is like CASH IT IN, I WANT TO CASH IT IN RIGHT NOW, YES, YES SIR, I WOULD LIKE TO CASH IN MONEY IN THE BANK RIGHT NOW. The referee appears to have no idea what he’s talking about, which would be a great story. “Oh, sorry, it’s my first day, I don’t know how it works.” They meander around with it long enough for Orton to get into position, and the fourth RKO of the night ruins it.

The announcers emphasize that the bell didn’t ring so it doesn’t count, but like … shouldn’t it? If Sheamus is all I’M CASHING THIS IN RIGHT NOW and gets beaten up before he gets a chance to say “no, I don’t actually want to cash it in right now,” shouldn’t the ref just ring the bell anyway? I know that’s nitpicking and there’s ridiculous precedent for it, but it sucks. The point of Money in the Bank is that there’s a great reward, but also a great risk. You can cash it in and lose, and you’re the world’s biggest chump. Damien Sandow, I’m looking in your direction. They should’ve rung the bell, Orton should’ve pulled Rollins over him and cost him the briefcase. If you don’t want to give Rollins a win, stomp Sheamus in the back of the head after it rings and cause a DQ. He still loses his shot. Hell, let Sheamus win it so you can get another WWE Championship shot at SummerSlam. You guys are feuding and he already ruined your championship match, you might as well do what’s Best For Business.

Anyway; wrestling, everybody.

Best: Top 10 Comments Of The Week

Taylor Swish

WWE: Straight Outta Ideas

EtsukoMita_IsDyingInside

Rollins to Cesaro to Owens to Orton is the de-evolution of pants.

AshBlue

That 50-50 remark about Cena at Summerslam just means he has a 50% chance of winning and a 50% chance of not losing.

Wait A Minute Rice

Much like the Raiders, Team BAD proudly reps black and silver and 1/3 of the team wouldn’t be on any other franchise’s active roster.

Jello224

Darren Young looks a lot like Russel Wilson with that Seahawks hat on. Fun fact: Neither of them have any interest in having sex with Ciara.

The Real Birdman

Too bad your dad was in prison & couldn’t play catch with you Dean

TechFall

Roman: how do I eat
Dean: sitting down
Roman: how do I read
Dean: with your eyes
Roman: Boom no way he could’ve known these things if we weren’t brothers

Sammy Davis Jr.

“Daniel, my wife is French and less annoying than yours. Explain.”

XPacEnergyDrink

STEPHEN AMELL: KING OF STRONG STYLE

Stalemate Associate

HHH: “Yeah, like I’m gonna book Barrett for SummerSlam.”

Thanks, everybody. See you next week, when The Flash shows up and tries to punch Goldust.

Lana ought to be guilty about that denim halter-top, leather mini-jacket combo.

Pre-show Notes:

– Speaking of guilt, a hearty finger shake to anybody who reads and comments on this report, but doesn’t share it on social media! Here’s the buttons…

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Hit the next page to continue smacking down…

Best: Broken Wood Is No Good

I don’t want to get ahead of myself, but I think WWE may actually be starting to realize the amazing thing they have on their hands with The New Day. Case in point, they both opened and closed Smackdown. They did an in-ring segment, a backstage bit, commentary and a long match all on one show. Sure, that show was Smackdown, but still, that’s something.

I feel like I need to quote every word that came out of New Day’s mouths during this opening segment. Kofi standing up for the dignity of good, honest, hardworking American tables? Xavier demanding that we respect tables because The New Day signed their contracts on one? Astounding. The Dudley Boyz have ZERO REGARD for a table’s place in history.

Speaking of which, the Dudleyz of course showed up to interrupt The New Day’s ode to particle board. I suppose I should be doing that smarky thing where I turn on the Dudleyz for being violent, one-note WWE babyfaces, but whatever, I’ve got nothing against the Dudz. There’s a certain simple-mindedness and honest to the Dudleyz that I find appealing. They’re two guys who never stop yelling and have a clinical obsession with throwing dudes through cheap tables. They’re forces of nature, not characters, and there’s no point in getting angry at nature.

Best: Big E Commentator Voice Forever

Titus and Darren then came out, acting vaguely heelish, which led to The Dudley Boyz vs. Prime Time Players. The match was competent and hit the nostalgic highspots as 2015 Dudley Boyz matches do. I appreciate the Dudleyz bringing a certain intensity to WWE’s fun, but deeply dorky, tag team division. Watching Titus heave around Bubba Ray during his hot tag was also a memorable sight.

The real highlight continued to be The New Day, who formed their own three-man announce crew and completely commandeered the commentary desk. I could listen to Big E doing his nerdy commentary voice all day. I should record it and let it whisk me away to sleep at night. Also, the guys’ riff about Bubba’s camouflage making him invisible might have been the funniest thing they’ve ever said or done. Well, funniest thing that doesn’t involve Xavier woods playing a trombone. Speaking of which…

Best: Sad Trombone

After the match, Renee Young caught up with New Day backstage and informed them they had a match tonight, which they were APPALLED by. I love heels that show up to the arena in full gear, but assume they won’t have to wrestle until somebody expressly tells them so. Renee then informed them their opponents with be Roman Reigns and Dean Ambrose and Xavier responded with sad trombone noises. YES. I knew it had to happen eventually, and I’m glad it happened on my show.

Best: The Cosmic Wasteland

Neville was set to face Stardust for the thousandth time, but before he could get to the ring, he was jumped by The Ascension of all people. After a brief beatdown, Stardust announced he and The Ascension would now be going as The Cosmic Wasteland, and that was that. The whole thing probably lasted less than three minutes. There’s a very good chance Cosmic Wasteland will blast straight off to nowhere, but I’m taking this as a positive for now. At least they’re doing something with The Ascension, and a supervillain should always have flunkies. Maybe Cody can even teach Konnor and Viktor some face painting techniques more advanced than “put a triangle on your forehead that emphasizes your unfortunate hairline.”

Worst: Superman’s Dead

Cesaro came out for his match against Sheamus with a ridiculously taped up abdomen, because I guess the Swiss Superman grazed the announce desk on Raw? That’s not terribly super. I’m pretty sure it takes more than a fall on a table to break Cesaro’s torso.

So yeah, everything about this match was designed to make Cesaro wrestling a little less fun. We knew Sheamus was going to take advantage of the ribs win, so there was no suspense. Whenever Cesaro went for a big power move, he had to sell the ribs. Sure, he was still throwing uppercuts like crazy, but this was Cesaro running at about 60 percent for no good reason. And then Sheamus hit a Brogue Kick outta nowhere and Cesaro once again didn’t back up his big talk. Maybe it’s time to return to the Fortress of Swiss Solitude to regroup.

Worst: Stressing The Foundation

Man, do I not want to want to dig into this radioactive cesspool. So, Hot Summer goes on Miz TV (already a bad start) and says after she snuck into Dolph’s locker room, he grabbed her and kissed her. Uh, WWE does realize a naked dude forcing kisses on a lady is sexual assault, right? Even if you want to play the game where WWE is a fantasy world where real world bad things don’t happen, the company is still asking viewers to root against the sobbing woman with a nasty black eye who claims a guy took advantage of her. That’s all kinds of ugly. Of course we’re supposed to assume Summer is lying. She certainly looked furtive as she snuck into Dolph’s locker room, but WWE hasn’t shown us what actually happened in that room. This isn’t really a thing you can do a fun “Ooooo, did they or didn’t they?” thing with. They need to clear up any ambiguity quickly, because trying to do a story with these kind of icky overtones on WWE TV is like building a brick and stone second story on a bouncy castle. That shit is not architecturally sound.

Anyways, Dolph and Lana come out and Dolph is like, denial, snark, denial, so Summer cues up some long-forgotten footage of her and Dolph making out over Fandango’s corpse. Oh yeah, a reminder of that angle is just what this segment needed. This of course triggers Lana’s BESZERKER CATFIGHT RAGE. Dolph tries to pull them apart, but Lana gets mad at him and storms off, then Summer leaps up, starts hurling shoes and screaming “YOU CAN’T HANDLE THE TRUTH, BITCH” repeatedly, uncensored, on the kids’ wrestling show. Jesus. Also, where the hell was Rusev in all of this? My kingdom for a portly Bulgarian man tossing fishes.

Best: The Bo Beatdown

Well, this was a surprise! Turns out Bo being mauled by Brock Lesnar a couple weeks ago on Raw is actually going to lead to something? R-Truth was cackling like an asshole after they replayed Bo’s trip to Suplex City, so Bo just took him to the woodshed and hit him with a new rope-assisted swinging neckbreaker finisher for the win. I’m not crazy about the new finisher (something that doesn’t involve the ropes, please), but a Bo Dallas push, no matter how minor, is reason to Bolieve.

Best: Tick-Tock, Tick-Tock

Faint praise time – this was the best main roster Divas talking segment in weeks. It still involved a super awkward pinky swear, and they won’t let Charlotte say three-consecutive words without dropping a reference to her dad, but some constructive things were achieved. The focus is now solidly on the Divas title, and Nikki’s assertion a couple weeks back that wins and losses don’t matter is now being framed as a heel thing. Charlotte also said she’s petitioned The Authority to have her title match moved forward to before Nikki will set the Divas Title record, so the BellaTron is no longer counting down to a depressing inevitability. Stakes! Logic! Women asserting control over their own destiny! This is all we want.

Worst: Well, This Is Awkward

Ohhhh jeez. Oh no. They sent Tamina out to lose a match on the evening of the day her dad was charged with murder. Against the other woman in the division who has a famous dad. And the only thing the commentators could talk about the whole time was Ric Flair and living up to your father’s legacy as a second-generation wrestler. I’ve never wanted to give Tamina a hug so badly. Granted, I’ve never really wanted to give Tamina a hug at all previously, but the sentiment still stands.

Unsurprisingly, Tamina just stood in the middle of the ring looking kind of dazed and shoving Charlotte away when she got close, then Charlotte speared her and hit the Natural Selection for the basically effortless win. But hey, good on Tamina for doing as much as she did. If I just learned by dying father had been charged with murder, you wouldn’t be able to wrestle me out of bed, never mind wrestle me in the ring.

Worst: Feed Him More

Uh oh. Kevin Owens called out people for judging the way he looks, which, in an ideal world, could lead to an interesting storyline, but this is the WWE. Any WWE storyline that revolves around somebody’s weight always ends up being six weeks of that person being treated as subhuman, followed by one brief moment of redemption on PPV that is soon forgotten. Nobody remembers that Mickie James won the title from Michelle McCool in the end. They just remember the weeks of cruel “Piggy James” jokes. Also, how does Kevin Owens standing up to bullies and fat-shamers not make him a good guy? Owens hinted he’d be feuding with Ryback – is WWE going expect us to laugh along as the most action figure-looking guy in the company presents Photoshops of Kevin Owens washing himself with a rag on a stick? No f*cking thank you. Run, Owens, run.

Best: 2/3 Of The Shield vs. The New Day

This was some pretty solid action. The New Day’s in-ring work isn’t up to the crazy high standards they’ve set on the mic, but it was fun to see somebody new in a main-event, and, shockingly, New Day were presented as a serious threat to Reigns and Ambrose. The body of the match featured some good work by Roman Reigns and Big E, who were doling out some nice stiff shots and clotheslines. The final minutes were mostly about Kofi Kingston showing off his underrated bumping skills. Kofi getting shot out of the sky with a Superman punch off a springboard attempt was particularly choice. And then, Xavier Woods ran in for the DQ. So sure, New Day didn’t win, but they weren’t immediately humiliated and pinned by Roman Reigns, which is exactly what would have happened just a few weeks ago. Like I said, I think WWE may be figuring this thing out.

Worst: Let’s Do This Right Now!

After the match, Roman got on the mic and demanded the Wyatts fight himself and Ambrose, RIGHT HERE, RIGHT NOW, WOOOOO! Yeah, okay. At least there’s an element of believability when guys pull out this trope at the beginning of the show, but it’s hard to buy any challenge issued an hour and 59 minutes into a two-hour show. Still, I was kind of hoping Braun Strowman would leap in out of nowhere and choke both Ambrose and Reigns out immediately. You best not step to Bro Strongman, even if there’s only 30 seconds left on the clock.

After months of slow and steady rollouts and reveals and announcements, WWE 2K17 finally comes out on Tuesday. You may remember a little while ago that we reported on the limited edition NXT version of the game that comes with all sorts of exclusive goodies. On Monday, WWE put out this very fun video of Rusev and Lana doing an unboxing of the special edition. Well, more accurately, Lana unboxes it while Rusev plays the video game and interjects very Rusev-ish comments.

Pretty clearly the highlight of the whole thing comes at the 1:19 mark, when Rusev suddenly plows through what Lana is saying to holler about Sami Zayn having a higher rating than him in the game. As he puts it: “Sami Zayn is 87?! Are you kidding me? And I have 86. How is this even … who is responsible for this? Joe’s got more than me? I’m over this.”

Look at this man. This is the face of a man in utter disbelief.

Rusev is currently in a feud for the United States Championship that will culminate in a Hell in a Cell match. Sami Zayn followed up being his arch-rival Kevin Owens by watching Owens win Raw’s top championship while he sadly skanks to the ring to beat Curtis Axel with the help of a guy who is going to ditch him so hard when someone finally tells him he’s eligible to compete in the cruiserweight division.

So we ask you: who is the TRUE 87 here? We believe it to be Rusev. Search your heart. You know it to be true.

Samoa Joe having a higher rating, though? Yeah; we’re totally fine with that.

Rusev and Lana have been two of the best things about WWE since they were called up, and were also great back in their NXT days. (And now they’re arguably the best part of Total Divas.) While they may bear more than a passing resemblance to the villains of Rocky IV, Lana herself says the roots of her character are owed to Dusty Rhodes and Vince McMahon being Game of Thrones geeks.

Lana spilled the dorkalicious beans when she was a guest on AfterBuzz TV’s The Tomorrow Show with Keven Undergaro (you can watch the entire show at the end of the post). After both Sean Waltman talked about what a huge Game of Thrones fan Dusty Rhodes was, Lana revealed that both her initial NXT run with Rusev and her split from him and (very poorly-received) storyline with Dolph Ziggler came as a direct result of both Dusty and none other than Vince McMahon being massive Game of Thrones fanatics.

“The whole idea of me controlling the brute was Dusty’s idea, which is an interesting spin, so it becomes not just like Russian, but it was like I was in charge of the brute, and the more conniving character, was Dusty’s idea from Khaleesi — she controls the dragons … Dusty was so brilliant [and] he basically predicted everything that me and Rusev eventually did on TV.

“He was like, ‘You are going to control the brute. Control him, control him, but at one point, if you push him too far, he will turn on you.’ And that’s exactly what we ended up doing. I was always the intense one, and then at one point, I pushed him too far, and he tried to kick me back to Russia. And that’s what brought up Dolph.

“[The Dolph storyline] was so much fun. Vince got that whole idea from [Cersei Lannister]. I remember having that whole conversation with him and saying, ‘What about [Cersei], being conniving?’ He was like, ‘Yes!’ And that whole Dolph Ziggler story came from [Cersei] from Game of Thrones!”

Lana’s big takeaway is that you should open yourself up to as much different media as you can, because you never know where you might draw inspiration from. I bet not a lot of wrestling fans would have guessed that Daenerys Targaryen and Cersei Lannister would have been the inspirations between those two storylines, but they also probably wouldn’t have guessed Dusty and Vince would be massive GoT marks. It makes a lot of sense in Vince’s case though.

… Vince thinks the Lannisters are the heroes, doesn’t he?