The big wedding segment in the main event slot of this week’s Monday Night Raw was bound to be controversial. The Lana/Bobby Lashley relationship storyline had already been getting plenty of criticism from the beginning, and that was before it brought in Liv Morgan as Lana’s apparent secret bisexual lover, who feels scorned by her marriage to Lashley. The idea of LGBTQ storylines and characters in WWE has always been fraught, and even more so in recent years, as the concerns of LGBTQ fans and performers have superceded the kind of shock value and titillation that such angles were all about in decades past.

Former WWE Superstar and current WWE Backstage contributor CM Punk commented on Twitter that “WWE needs to hire people who actually understand what representation means to the audience they’re trying to reach.” It may seem optimistic of Punk to assume that WWE is interested in representation and reaching LGBTQ audiences, but on the other hand Stephanie McMahon has said as much in the past.

Outspoken queer indie wrestler Effy was also asked for his take on Twitter, and unsurprisingly he had plenty to say:

I think specifically it’s damaging to bisexual representation overall because it implies that Lana, in love with a man, must fulfill her lust for women by cheating in her relationship. I also don’t think it was done with any good faith behind it other than a shock factor for TV of “oh now she’s a lesbian too who won’t she fuck!” And I think it’s a disservice to Sonya Deville who has been pushing hard for a subtle LGBT angle with her tag partner and that was thrown out in favor of an out of left field reveal at a hokey wedding to pinnacle a cuck angle. All of these points aside it is just a dumb wrestling show on TV and we should be able to just laugh and be entertained but seeing them do another different gay fake out on a wedding years after they were taken to task for billy and chuck is indicative of the fact that this was done with no intention of being more inclusive, and just something for Vince to chuckle at and say “haha now they’re lesbian!” under his breath. But, to finalize, even though they take Anti-gay (meaning punishable by death) Saudi money and have actively helped Trump’s platform for year, [which] makes me think that a real inclusive and respectful look at gay athletes could be very far off, but I won’t lose hope that something changes. Even when Finn Bálor did an exclusive lgbtq entrance at wrestle mania it felt important for a moment, but in a sense it was a false flag and they were realistically just feeding gay fans crumbs to make them shut up for 10 minutes.

As for Sonya Deville, who has indeed pushed for a lesbian storyline that represents her actual identity, she had her own relatively subtle reactions:

Without knowing what discussions went on backstage, it does feel like kind of a kick in the face to Sonya that WWE never pulled the trigger on her relationship storyline with Mandy, but they decided to do this instead. At the end of the day, this is just another example of WWE being embarrassingly behind the times, and what can we do but hope they eventually catch up?

For what it’s worth, I don’t think anyone should blame Liv Morgan (not that anyone has), and I just hope she gets out of this angle with some kind of character that works for her, and ideally the chance for a push as a performer, instead of just seeming like a joke in somebody else’s story.

The final Monday Night Raw of the decade has passed, and with it, the controversial wedding of Lana and Bobby Lashley. The segment received mixed reviews from viewers, pundits and fellow wrestlers alike, but most were simply angry with the segment itself, not the performers in it.

However, in a new interview with Sports Illustrated, Lashley went into detail about some of the harassment he has received throughout the course of this storyline, which went beyond the usual Twitter trash talk into real-deal hate speech and death threats:

“I’ve experienced a tremendous amount of hate. We as a society come out and we’re anti-bullying, anti-hate, anti-this, anti-that, but I think we actually pick and choose who we hate and bully.

Because everybody still knows me, and knows what I do and what I’m capable of doing—what I’ve done in my career as far as the military, being a single father, putting myself through college, graduating with honors, and I could keep going. But I received a tremendous amount of hate here across the board personally for the things that, I guess, I do. It’s all over the board.

It’s from the fact that this is interracial, because I’ve had guys saying the n-word to me and, ‘I’m going to kill you, we’re going to get you when you come down south.’ I just kind of sit back and laugh about it. I’ve even experienced some people that are in the business of wrestling—tweeting things and posting pictures, and I just sit back and laugh. A lot of times we feel that the person being hated on or being bullied should be a frail person. But now you take somebody like myself and Lana, who is a gorgeous woman, and we don’t look like the typical people that are bullied.

I’m glad I have thick skin. Because if I didn’t have thick skin, some of the things that I’ve had to experience would be very difficult to take.”

It should go without saying that there are real people behind the characters you see every Monday, Wednesday and Friday, and for the most part, they’re acting out what a team of writers has asked them to do. So maybe don’t be racist sh*theads to those people (or anyone, for that matter), yeah? Let’s leave that part of professional wrestling in the past decade.

Despite what people may have said about the wedding of Bobby Lashley and Lana — including CM Punk, racist shitheads, our fearless leader and countless others — there’s no doubt the segment was, at the very least, wildly popular. WWE has made it clear that getting people talking is the most important thing in sports entertainment, so it’s a safe assumption that Raw’s final main event segment of the decade went over well backstage.

Well, assume no more: According to WrestlingNews.co, a source inside WWE confirmed that WWE head honcho Vince McMahon was “very happy” with the segment, which delivered some of the biggest ratings the show had seen in 2019, including the overrun:

“Vince has wanted to do more crazy stories like this but he has to balance things out to satisfy the people at USA [Network] and the sponsors. He got what he wanted this week and the overrun did nice numbers so Vince is in a good mood. They have things mapped out for the next few weeks and this could run until WrestleMania. Vince loves this storyline so much and he’s open to more off the wall ideas. All I can tell you is there is some Jerry Springer stuff coming.”

Given the numbers these segments have been pulling on YouTube — highlights of the Lana/Lashley wedding have done over 9 million views combined between the WWE and WWE On Fox YouTube channels, and this online exclusive clip of Lana continuing to melt down has notched another 3 million views — it’s clear that the Lana/Bobby Lashley/Liv Morgan/Rusev love/hate quadrangle will be on our respective screens of choice for quite some time.

After the AJ Styles vs. Akira Tozawa match on Monday night’s edition of Raw, there was a curious moment where it appeared that a fan had jumped the rail and rolled into the ring, trying to be part of the show. Security wrangled him down, and the show abruptly went to commercial.

Pro wrestling’s had an ongoing problem with fans running in when they shouldn’t, from the relatively innocent (like that time a fan tried to “join the Shield”) to the scary and dangerous, like WWE legend Bret Hart being assaulted at the Hart Foundation’s Hall of Fame induction ceremony.

The question here, though, was, “since when do drunk fans who get in the ring during Raw wear suits?”

As it turns out, this was no fan: it was the actor who played the pastor in last week’s Lana and Bobby Lashley wedding, hitting his cue a little early and getting in the ring for this week’s Lana and Bobby Lashley wedding. Apparently, WWE security didn’t know he was part of the show until someone ran out to hand him his Holy Bible prop.

Get the man a lanyard!

The pastor — played by New York based actor Rick Malone, presumably for the last time — got it together for the segment despite being beaten down by security, and even got a small acknowledgment from the announce team: “That is the gentleman who was attempting to get in the ring before the break!”

It ain’t easy being an independent contractor.

UPDATE: You can read comments from Rick Malone himself on the incident and see new video at this link.

The big story coming out of Monday night’s episode of WWE Raw wasn’t the return of The Big Show, or Brock Lesnar announcing that he’s entering the Royal Rumble match at number one; it was the actor who played the marriage officiant in the Lana and Bobby Lashley wedding rolling into the ring too early and getting beaten down by arena security.

In case you missed it, New York based actor Rick Malone hit the ring after an AJ Styles vs. Akira Tozawa match to prepare for the second Lashley and Lana wedding segment in seven days. Security didn’t know he was an extra for the show, though, and wrangled him to the ground. Raw went to commercial, and when they came back, announcer Vic Joseph had to meekly explain what’d happened. “That is the gentleman who was attempting to get in the ring before the break!”

On his personal Facebook page, Malone commented on the incident and shared a fan-filmed clip of him finally being able to convince security he was supposed to be there. Thank goodness a lady ran out and handed him a Holy Bible prop.

This is what happened tonight at WWE/RAW: I needed to get into the ring in order to consummate the “Bobby Lashley and Lana Wedding” (which was totally disrupted last Monday night in Hartford CT), but security prevented me, so I had no other choice but to dive into the ring headfirst. Security was not pleased! But the married couple was very happy!

A report from PWInsider described the situation as, “some sort of breakdown in communication,” which is pretty clear. Malone would later joke that, “Oh, that didn’t end so well!” and, “Obviously not my best camera angle!” on pictures from the incident.

Thank goodness the Attitude Era is over, or that headline may have gotten me fired. The good news is that I’m still employed. The better news is that the SPCA of Westchester, N.Y. worked with WWE to raise awareness about animal adoption by letting their talent run around and play with actual baby dogs.

Watch Lana get puppy cuddles! Watch Dean Ambrose try to pet three dogs at once and mumble incoherent baby talk (or an old CZW promo, not sure)! Watch as the SPCA staff tries to load Zack Ryder into the van so he can find his forever home! Okay, that last one maybe didn’t happen.

One day, Zack. One day.

Two men who only care about their kid(d)s.

Pre-show Notes:

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Worst: A Sheamus Who Matters

So, Sheamus came out to talk at the top of SmackDown, which isn’t a development I’m particularly happy about. I was actually kind of digging sullen prick Sheamus who’s lashing out because being forgotten in the midcard hurt his precious little feelings. I’m definitely not into boasting, main-event Sheamus. I don’t care that he’s supposed to be unlikable, just get him off my screen.

Sheamus acknowledged the You Look Stupid chants, which a genuine bully would never do, then he called the fans pea-brains and other choice second grade insults. It was all very by the book and basically indistinguishable from his old annoying face promos. Eventually, Dean Ambrose came out and was all, “Eh, I guess I should fight you, Sheamus.” Then, Kane showed up and was, “Eh, I guess I should team up with you Sheamus,” and then a handicap match happened.

Worst: Well, Duh

So, Ambrose is being ganged up on by two mean ol’ bullies. I wonder where this could be going? They may as well have just kept the camera trained on the arena steps the entire match.

Sure enough, here’s Roman Reigns, who runs in for the DQ after 90 seconds of sizzling action. Hmm, there’s now four FIRED UP guys in the ring and an authority figure on hand. I wonder where this could be going?

Worst: An Alicia Fox Turn?!

Another Paige vs. Brie Bella match? Did I really give this show all-Bests last week? What happened to the guy who wrote that one? Did Vince just forget his weekly soul draining?

Anyways, yeah, like I’ve said, Paige vs. The Bellas is the new Dolph Ziggler vs. Kofi Kingston. Particularly if it’s Brie Bella. Nikki wasn’t out there because, as the commentators explained, the Bellas wanted to give Paige a fair chance. Yup, that adds up. A completely clean pro wrestling bout, that’s what I’m expecting.

Paige and Brie did their stuff. Paige screamed “this is my house” at least every 30 seconds and hit some kicks. Brie pulled off a decent top rope, sunset flip powerbomb, so at least that’s something. After a few minutes of bland, Alicia Fox pushed Paige off the top rope and Brie got the win. Alicia Fox. They decided Twin Magic was too overdone, so they decided to end the match via Alicia Fox alignment turn. What are the chances Alicia shows up on Paige’s team in a random six-woman on Raw?

Best: Hands On Kevin Owens

I know this point has kind of been beaten to death lately, but Kevin Owens is such a glorious piece of shit. Not because he’s an over-the-top villain, but because his dickishness is so recognizable. He’s every cranky, 30-something white guy on the planet. Him avoiding Renee’s question in favor of passive-aggressively needling her about liking Machine Gun Kelly is basically the exact thing I’d do if I was in an asshole mood. I’ll admit it. Also, big ups to Renee for not even pretending she thinks MGK is cool. Look at that face. That’s been my reaction to basically all popular music for the last five to 10 years.

Then, Cesaro shows up, and he and Owens have a brief, yet great little verbal showdown. Man, poor Cesaro. Imagine if he’d held out on signing a WWE contract for just a couple more years. He’d be the ringer being brought in to NXT with breathless hype and ballyhoo then beating John Cena as proud daddy Triple H looks on. Can we just send Cesaro back to CZW for a couple months and start over?

Best: Kisses! Right In The Mouth!

Any time Bo Dallas is rescued from the proverbial Dark Match Dungeon is pretty much a guaranteed Best. On SmackDown, he was there to be Rusev’s wingman, chastising Lana for leaving him and rightfully pointing out that Dolph is, like, the worst rebound choice ever. He even managed to slip in a “swipe left” joke, which is kind of edgy by WWE standards. I guess? Shockingly, Jerry Lawler didn’t pile on the joke, so maybe he isn’t on Tinder? We can only pray, but he was probably too busy swiping to make a joke about swiping.

The match was nothing special. Bo’s strikes were good, and he hit a nice clothesline, but it was over too quickly. The best part of the segment was Rusev’s hilarious impotent rage backstage when Dolph went for the grandma kiss on Lana. Bulgarian words! Kissing! Right in the mouth! Stupid! I hear you, man. I hear you.

Best: The New Day Existing

This is about as close as I’m going to get to giving The New Day a worst. They just didn’t get to do anything here. They skipped their entrance and didn’t let them talk, then they put Xavier in the ring, who’s great on the mic, but the least interesting guy in the ring. Also, I hate to say it, but I’m already starting to feel faint signs of Neville fatigue, so this segment was pretty flat.

That said, there were still reasons to like this segment. Xavier deciding to hit 30 stomps in a row for no reason, none of which had any effect. Big E preaching the gospel at ringside. Kofi Kingston being hurled into the barrier by Titus O’Neil like a bag of leaves. Darren Young wiping Big E out with a surprisingly great forearm. This segment’s pleasures were minor, but they were enough.

Worst: Proving Yourself

I am so done with “proving yourself” storylines. The future, the face of the company, I don’t care about any of it. I never want to hear that somebody has to beat X in an X to earn their brass ring ever again. No wonder CM Punk quit. I’m being driven crazy by just a few hours per week of this nonsense.

So, Seth Rollins, who won the WWE World Heavyweight Championship in the main-event of WrestleMania and has defeated all viable challengers, still needs to prove himself against Brock Lesnar. And Seth is okay with that! He sees that he has to beat Brock Lesnar at Battleground to cement his legacy. YOU ALREADY BEAT HIM. You beat him AT WRESTLEMANIA. That’s the reason you have that title on your shoulder. It’s not like Rollins will beat Brock man-to-man. If he wins, it’ll be another sneaky victory like at ‘Mania, so he literally has nothing new to prove.

It wouldn’t be so bad if it wasn’t painted as such a black-and-white thing. That if you don’t clear this latest impossible hoop, a trap door will open beneath you, and you’ll be nothing again. I know that’s how WWE actually works, but it’s incredibly frustrating as a viewer. I realize WWE is trying to add extra gravity to their main-events, but in some cases, less gravity is actually better. Sometimes, guys just fighting for personal pride and gaudy belts is enough without the brass rings.

Best: Kevin Owens vs. Cesaro

Unsurprisingly, this match kicked a fairly serious amount of ass. Cesaro’s obviously been hitting the gym extra hard since finding himself on a bit of a hiatus due to Tyson Kidd’s injury. Dude was more of a monster than ever, hitting crazy dives, dropkicking Kevin Owens in the face while he was sitting on the top rope, and nailing maybe the best spinning M. Bison uppercut of his WWE career. Top five at least.

Kevin Owens was impressive, too, if a bit more low key. He hit a really nice tornado DDT, but the guy’s real strength may be his selling. Owens doesn’t just talk like a regular guy, he sells like one, too. No over the top dramatics. Kevin Owens sells like he’s exhausted and angry, and a little bit afraid to take that next shot. As soon as his opponent takes over, Owens goes from confident to “Oh no, how did this all go wrong?”

Unfortunately, Cesaro doesn’t particularly matter right now, so this wasn’t as good as it could have been. No finisher kick-outs, no truly crazy spots. Just around seven minutes of action, leading to a pop-up powerbomb and the pin. But it was as good as it possibly could have been given the box they had to work in.

Best: Miz At The Movies

Miz came back from his latest movie-related hiatus looking douchier than ever, but, sadly, he hasn’t really been given anything to do. Maybe Miz at the Movies, a cheesy backstage segment in which critiques garbage WWE movies, will be the next thing he transforms into the secret best thing in WWE. Hey, if he can do it for Damien Sandow, the saddest, palest, least motivated man in WWE, he can do it for anything.

We got off to a good start here, with Miz grumbling about The Rock being in every damn thing (with you on that one), spreading scuttlebutt about Big Show being a pain to work with and almost giving himself an aneurysm screaming about how he’s WWE’s true A-lister. He even managed to put over the dumb WWE movie he was there to promote. Take note, Michael Cole! Bring Bull Dempsey in as the Ebert to Miz’s Siskel, and we’ll really have something.

Worst: SmackDown Main-Event Tag Matches, Now With More Sheamus!

Welp, this was a match. It was three men we’ve seen wrestle innumerable times over the past year, with the addition of Sheamus, who isn’t exactly the guy you call on to freshen things up in 2015. At least Ambrose is still working a bit harder than usual after his brief main-event run, so the heat segment on him was solid. Unfortunately, Reigns didn’t bring much excitement during the hot tag, remotely going through his moves. Turns out, there was a reason didn’t seem particularly thrilled to be in this segment.

Worst: Chilling YouTube Screencaps

Reigns was just about to win the match in a strong manner, when Bray popped up the big screen singing “I’m a Little Teapot” (oh great, another Bray Wyatt sing-a-long song) while looking at a picture of Roman’s daughter. Roman was so appalled by this, his brain imploded, he crumpled to the mat, and was pinned. I guess Sheamus might have kicked him, but another human being looking at his daughter was the real blow.

Roman, buddy, take a breath. Bray took a screencap of your tea party video and printed it out on a laser printer. Yes, he actually cropped the picture and added some faux burn marks for SmackDown, but don’t be fooled. Bray’s no more menacing than the teenager running the copy center in Staples, and, not to point fingers, but you’re the one who put your daughter’s image out there to begin with, so, y’know, it’s fair use. You legally have to chill about this. If Bray ever gets a “photo” of your daughter without the YouTube controls along the bottom, that’s when you can start worrying.

On Saturday, Lana posted a “no make-up” selfie while on the way to a WWE house show in Peoria, Ill. Traditionally, the no make-up selfie is meant to be empowering, railing against preconceived notions of beauty. Well, it turns out that people super love those preconceived notions, and they reacted… about as well as you think they would.

Lana is no stranger to towing the line of her (sadly pretty regressive at the moment) character while still standing up for what she believes in. Back in April, the responses to our post covering her feminist tweets alone were some of the most vitriolic comments we’ve ever received. Lana, however, has no time for these nerds, and fired off the following response:

Just go ahead and tattoo “I’m creating greatest legacy with or without makeup” on my heart. Thanks.

WWE’s Lana has suffered a wrist injury that could keep her on the shelf for the remainder of 2015.

According to a report from WWE.com, the Ravishing Russian fractured her wrist while training in the ring before a WWE live event in Fairfax, Va. over the weekend, and will require surgery.

“During a training session [Sunday] afternoon, Lana had sustained an injury in the ring. We attended to her and noticed that she had a deformity of her wrist,” said WWE’s senior ringside physician Dr. Scott Amann.

Dr. Amann continued, “We obtained X-rays which showed a Colles’ fracture and [we put her] in a splint. Most of these Colles’ fractures do better surgically than non-surgically, especially in younger patients. Most likely this will require an operation, which will take her out of active competition for approximately four months.”

The timing couldn’t be worse for Lana as a performer, as it appeared WWE was finally priming her for in-ring competition after years of being a ringside valet. She’d split from her longtime partner Rusev and had become the stonewashed, fun-loving, fish-dodging girlfriend of Dolph Ziggler, and the two had been feuding with Rusev and his new “fake Lana,” Summer Rae. Lana and Summer have been attacking each other in and around the ring for weeks, and now the rumored mixed tag-team match at the upcoming Night of Champions event featuring the four appears to be an impossibility.

We wish Lana a speedy recovery, and hope the time away allows her to remember how great it was when her two great loves were Vladimir Putin, and ordering camel clutches with hand signals.

They’ve long been the favorite real-life wrestling couple here at With Spandex, and now the Bulgarian Brute has thrown kayfabe to the wind and proposed to his girlfriend Lana. TMZ exclusively reported (Is it exclusive? We can’t tell) that Rusev proposed back in September:

Sources close to the couple tell TMZ Rusev proposed to his WWE manager gf last month at their Nashville home. We’re told Rusev proposed in the couple’s swimming pool and filmed the whole thing.

Finally we can stop saying, “If you like it then you should be Putin a ring on it.” Okay, maybe that’s only me, but who am I to stand in the way of the natural course of love and/or/especially a good pun?

In case you’ve missed it, or intentionally skipped any storyline that involves Dolph Ziggler having a girlfriend because it will inevitably get awful, Lana has been part of a torrid onscreen romance with Big Daddy Zigs that involves acid-wash denim outfits and sad shoe-based catfights with Summer Rae. Summer Rae took the unfortunate role of Rusev’s rebound ladyfriend, with the two currently engaged to be engaged pending a championship win. Both couples have worked overtime to keep kayfabe on their various forms of social media, though Lana did recently post this picture featuring her ridiculous engagement ring:

Rusev, on the other hand…

Amazing. Congrats, you crazy kids.

Uh oh. Just when you thought we could finally hit the reset button on the terrible Ziggler, Lana, Summer Rae, Rusev love rhombus and get Ru Ru back to fighting literally anyone else, all of our hopes and dreams have been torn asunder. Torn like Rusev’s bicep, that is. Hahaha, see what we did there?

Word is that Rusev suffered an injury during his match against Neville for the next episode of WWE Main Event. The injury was immediately apparent, causing them (spoiler alert for the 14 people waiting to watch the show) to stop the match and declare Neville the winner. Rusev apparently still went on a little walkabout to menace fans and show off in front of the camera before heading to the back.

Word going around, according to PWInsider, is that Rusev suffered a torn bicep. Those are crazy hard to heal when on the more severe end. If that’s what it is, the recovery could keep him out of action for anywhere between three to six weeks for a partial tear, all the way up to four to six months if it’s severe and also requires surgery.

Poor Ru Ru. Lucky for him, the NHL season is under way. There are worse ways to recover than by chilling out at a bunch of hockey games. Literally. Because arenas are cold. Hahaha, see what we also did there?

Running jokes are, of course, pure fan service, but they’re the right kind that speaks to fans who watch every episode and spot every call back. Archer, which is coming back to our assorted screens on March 31, masterfully pulls this off, and being that the end of March is so very far away, we thought we’d remind you of some of the great running jokes that only true Archer fans can fully appreciate.

Lana… Lana?… LANNAAAAA!!!

In many ways, Sterling Archer is still a child. You can choose to blame that on him missing out on a proper childhood if you want to. But the fact of the matter is that he often does things no adult should. For example, doing whatever he can to get someone’s attention and, in many cases, that person is Lana. Over time, Sterling’s developed a habit of yelling her name whenever he wants her to notice him doing something that’s nowhere near that important. You should definitely not try this at work or in life.

Burt Reynolds

Archer has spent most of his life emulating his hero, Burt Reynolds. But after two seasons of obsessing over the original Paul Crewe, Archer ran into Reynolds at a bar in season three. His bubble was quickly burst, however, after he realized Reynolds was dating his mother. This was, unfortunately, just seconds after he had made a corny, “Gonna give her the Longest Yard? *wink wink*” joke.

Phrasing

Remember the whole “That’s what she said!” joke that got run into the ground a few years ago? Well, Archer’s “Phrasing!” gave it some much-needed life. The good thing about “Phrasing!” is that it’s gender-neutral and can be used more freely. It’s also perfect for fitting into tight spaces without a lot of work… [Editor’s Note: Phrasing!]

Brett the Bullet Magnet

No matter where he was, if someone fired a gun in the International Secret Intelligence Service headquarters, Brett was likely to get shot. I wouldn’t be surprised if Krieger put a magnet in his body or something. If you’re wondering why this is all in the past tense, let’s just say Brett was only so lucky. His eighth time getting shot was his last – and somehow still Archer’s fault. It’s a shame, too. He was one bullet away from coming out with a chart-topping rap album.

Woodhouse’s Mistreatment

The closest thing Archer ever had to a real father was Woodhouse, who was there when he was born, helped name him, and cared for him all the way into adulthood. To repay that debt, Archer endorsed his heroin addiction and threatened him with violence over minor incidents and annoyances. It’s a classic father and son tale, really.

Archer’s Mother Issues

Archer and Mallory clearly care for each other, but they have the hardest time showing it through all of their verbal jabs and sarcastic remarks. On one end, Malory was cold enough to not pay a ransom to a group of pirates holding Sterling hostage, but also sheltered him enough to take him out of school and boot camp whenever he wasn’t doing well. But there are also some really confusing feelings going on. Why did Archer get an erection at the thought of Mallory’s death?

Crazy Cheryl/Carol/Cristal/Cherlene

Christian Grey ain’t got sh*t on Cheryl Tunt. Cheryl’s obsession with the rough stuff goes so far that she leaps at the opportunity to get choked or tazed to get her rocks off. But her interest in the rough stuff is only one of the many things that makes Cheryl certifiably insane. There’s also her ongoing identity crisis, the fantasy of abandoning a baby, and an infatuation with fire.

Plus, she dated Krieger. Which no sane person would do.

Voicemail Pranks

By now, everyone’s probably experienced the, “Hello?…. Ha, it’s my voicemail!” prank at least once. But Sterling is the undisputed king of it for taking it to new heights and always outdoing himself with the use of air horns and kitchen supplies. Malory’s fallen for the same trick numerous times with each one being more detailed than the last.

The Danger Zone

The ’80s was, clearly, a very important time for Sterling. The ’80s was, clearly, a very important time for the Earth.

Ray’s On-And-Off Paralysis

Ray first ended up in a wheelchair back in season three. But then it was revealed that he faked his paralysis for half a year before he really got paralyzed. Then he got bionic legs from Krieger that would stop working at any moment with the flip of a switch. But most of those were because Sterling did something like crashing a plane or shooting his gun when he shouldn’t have. However, at the end of season six, Ray made the mistake of undoing his seat belt on a moving plane and injured himself again. So, we’ll see how long it is before he can walk again and then become paralyzed again, and then walk again, etc.

Krieger Being A Weird Nazi Clone

If Carol’s the second oddest character on Archer, Krieger is sitting comfortably at the top spot. The only thing keeping him from becoming a mad scientist is… I have no idea why he isn’t one. He often drugs his coworkers without their knowledge, designed a virtual girlfriend because he couldn’t keep a real one, makes multiple human-pig hybrids named Pigley, and has a collection of deformed clones growing in test tubes. Oh, and he’s a second generation Nazi scientist. Season seven should be about what happens when Krieger realizes he could take over the world if he wanted to.

In case you missed the trailer and description for With Spandex’s official new favorite movie Countdown, you would have missed a) them declaring that Ziggler’s character is “ON THE ROPES AND RUNNING OUT OF TIME,” and b) Rusev in full wrestling gear (so…trunks) getting a gun superkicked out of his hands by Ziggler. Needless to say all of this led to us losing our damn minds.

But uh, hold up — why does Rusev have a gun in the first place? Is he a bad guy? Is he an undercover cop who doesn’t know Ziggler’s a police officer? Why can’t we watch this whole movie right now? We have so many questions.

Luckily we get an answer to most of these, because this newly released clip explains exactly why Rusev had the gun in the first place:

I guess that also partially explains the infamous abortive love quadrangle between Rusev, Lana, Dolph, and Summer Rae on WWE Raw. Though, really, by definition wouldn’t a dude checking a stranger with a gun into a wall so hard it breaks, then using the potential threat’s own gun against him in an attempt to save the lives of those around him make him a ‘real man’? Oh, masculinity. What a self-negating, fragile social construct you are.

Archer is approaching the danger zone.

The FX animated spy comedy just concluded its seventh season, but with viewers left wondering  [SPOILER ALERT] whether the show”s protagonist is dead or alive, it might be best to just let him go forward into the goodnight.

I”m a huge fan of the series. I”ve seen most episodes more times than I should admit. I – inexplicably – have two copies of the guidebook How to Archer as well as an Archer apron (bet you didn't know they even sold those). The only thing I quote more often than Archer is Blazing Saddles, and that”s a toss up. But the show has lost its way and the ratings show it. The average total viewership for this most recent season was a scant 781,000 viewers, with the high coming at the season premiere at an underwhelming 1.06 million. By way of comparison, in Season 4, the high-water mark of the series and the last season before Archer: Vice, Archer averaged nearly double that amount, with 1.38 million viewers. And no episode ever dipped below 1.15 million viewers.

What was once one of the best comedies on TV has gone away from what made it hilarious, clever and unique among animated offerings. With it teetering on the brink, we have some ideas on how to bring it back. But first, where did it go wrong?

ARCHER: VICE
Archer started going haywire at the beginning of the fifth season, a.k.a. Archer: Vice. When Sterling and the gang find themselves in possession of massive quantities of cocaine, they become substandard drug dealers. A clever idea, perhaps, although there are probably other drugs that would seem more fitting for the times. The premise itself upset the natural order of things. No longer was Sterling reporting into his mother. No longer was the team saving the world from high profile criminals, terrorists and evildoers. Instead, they'd become bumbling oafs more times than not. And then there was Cherlene”s whole singing career that was more of an intrusion than anything else. The high point of the season was when they take on the Yakuza, if only for the appearance of George Takei, but everything other than that seemed to drift out of control.
 

SEASON-LONG STORIES
Archer works best when every episode is self-contained, or at most, a two-parter. Sure, they”ve had through-lines (e.g., Who is Sterling”s father?) that work well too, but when the show essentially becomes serialized (Archer: Vice, Season 7) it gets bogged down and lost, especially if that storyline isn't all that interesting. It seems to be hard for producers to find the right balance between comedy and drama in these scenarios, and the show suffers as a result.

ABBIEJEAN KANE-ARCHER
For anyone familiar with the original website Jump The Shark, when any TV show added a baby, it was the beginning of that program's end. With the addition of Abbiejean, sadly, Archer seemingly was not immune to this theory. Baby A.J. has not only added nothing to the show, but she”s led to predictable and mediocre episodes like “Sitting” (Season 6/Episode 6), where Sterling has to babysit his child while fighting off ne'er-do-wells. The one saving grace of her addition came two episodes later when Sterling, Lana and A.J. went to visit Lana”s parents. But here the child is just a device to get them to the Kanes, something that could have just as easily been accomplished had there been no child at all.

CHERYL/CAROL/CRISTAL/CARINA/CHERLENE
This is nothing against Judy Greer, the voice of Cheryl, but her character is a one-note joke. Initially her masochistic tendencies were weird, but intriguing. It was something we”d not seen on TV before as far as I can recall, but by the hundredth time she makes a comment about her kinky preferences, the comedy is past stale. We know little about her and she never does anything integral to an episode, so it”s hard to say what value she really delivers.

Ok. So now that I”ve identified what I believe to be the problems with Archer, here”s what I”d do to fix it…

MORE KRIEGER AND PAM
Krieger is easily the most underused character on the show. I realize that it wasn”t until Season 5 that Lucky Yates, the voice behind the mad scientist, was upped to being a series regular, but there”s a seemingly endless supply of material that can be mined for comedy. Whether it's his genetic experiments or his anime girlfriend, there”s a lot to explore. As for Pam, she”s the only person who can kick Sterling”s ass, and by the transitive property, she can certainly kick anyone else”s ass too. That farm girl is tough, so use her out in the field and don't put her out to pasture.

GET THEM OUT OF THE P.I. BUSINESS…
In an interview with HitFix prior to the start of Season 7, EP Adam Reed said that he didn”t view Sterling being a P.I. as being much different than being a secret agent. Reed said, “The format doesn”t change a whole lot whether you”re spying on a North Korean or you”re spying on a cheating husband.” From a show structure standpoint, that statement may be true. But the stakes matter a heck of a lot less when you”re tracking down that cheating husband as opposed to a despot. When that happens, what makes Sterling such a great character goes away too.

…AND GET THEM INTO THE CIA, OR…
Sure the CIA was part of the reason for the demise of ISIS. But that hasn”t stopped Slater and his CIA friends from tapping into the skills of Sterling and Lana to get them out of a jam. So why not bring the two parties together in a real working relationship. They already have the skills, plus the conflict of Archer going off half-cocked (phrasing) in an organization filled with bureaucracy might just get the show back on track.  

…INFILTRATE ISIS TO RECLAIM THE NAME OF THE AGENCY, AND THEN START SPYING AGAIN
Yes. That ISIS. Sterling is always up for a new challenge. He”s taken on terrorists of all shapes and sizes, so why not take on the worst of the worst? He”s got the motivation (they want their name back, oh, and world peace). He”s got the skill set. So why not do a two-part episode where he takes down the terrorists, ultimately reclaiming the name ISIS for the agency. Reed has said he wanted to stay away from geo-political issues, but why not embrace it and kick some tail. It”s what made Archer great initially, so why not bring it back?

America is in danger, and the only people who can save us are a Canadian and a Russian!

Check out the brand new trailer for Interrogation, the latest feature from WWE Studios and Lionsgate. It doesn’t have Rusev with a gun, but it does feature WWE Superstars Edge and Lana trying to stop Las Vegas from exploding.

The plot synopsis:

After the FBI receives a threat that endangers the entire city, an interrogator (Copeland) and an IT specialist (Lana) are plunged into a series of mind games with a criminal mastermind, desperately racing against time to uncover the villain’s true agenda as they fight to protect thousands of lives.

This’ll be the third WWE Studios project for Lana this year, but the first where she doesn’t just play Lana. She was Lana in Countdown, and Lana in the new Scooby-Doo movie. Edge has been smashing atoms on The Flash, so it’s great to see them working together here as pretty much the world’s most beautiful Jack Bauer and Chloe. All it needs to tie it together is Rusev down on his luck at a blackjack table.

Interrogation is available on Blu-ray, DVD and Digital HD starting September 20.

By now, anyone who watches WWE knows that Rusev (the Bulgarian Brute and current United States Champion) and his valet Lana (the Ravishing Russian and current PRINCESS OF EVERYTHING) are engaged. Indeed, the accidental announcement of that engagement reportedly landed the couple in hot water, while bringing to an end possibly the worst storyline in recent memory. So it wasn’t all bad.

Well, the couple that brought us bar none the greatest WrestleMania entrance in history is finally tying the knot on Friday. Thankfully (mercifully), the entire shebang will be captured on video and aired on “Total Divas” (where the couple will be featured prominently next season). And we’ll probably get some sort of video package on Raw, because now the couple threatens to become even more insufferably smug.

I for one welcome our new Eastern Bloc royalty. Imagine the progeny these two will create. Imagine how the tweets will ramp up.

Of course, if you want a sneak peek at the glorious ceremony, Lana shared photos from the wedding rehearsal and subsequent rehearsal dinner on both Snapchat and Instagram.

The usual “Total Divas” suspects are all in attendance: Nikki and Brie Bella, Nattie, Renee Young. I can’t wait to see who else shows up for the wedding. Although probably not Zack Ryder. He’s busy playing with toys.

And because they both work for WWE, Lana also did a “bride”-themed bikini photo shoot.

I dearly hope that Rusev also gets to have some sultry pics snapped of him in a tuxedo-themed banana hammock. Maybe just a top hat on his mighty “Little Bulgarian Brute.” EQUAL OPPORTUNITY CHEESECAKE NOW, EQUAL OPPORTUNITY CHEESECAKE FOREVER.

WWE’s dreamiest couple got married over the weekend, and if you’re wondering whether or not the union between Lana and Rusev was elaborately covered by WWE and its superstars as fodder for upcoming episodes of Total Divas, like…duh.

WWE.com posted an official interview with the crushing bride, where Lana revealed that Natalya of all people had a hand in planning the beach wedding:

Nattie actually helped me with a lot of different ideas. This might come as a surprise, but Nattie is very traditional [laughs] and while helping me plan the wedding she wanted all these traditional things and I’m like, “No!” She would say, “This is what people do, this is how people plan their weddings,” and I’d say, “I don’t care what people do, I don’t wanna do everything that already has been done.”

Total Divas underwent numerous changes for its upcoming season, but it’s good to know Nattie will continue her role as what we affectionately refer to as ‘the f-cking worst.’

Lana goes on to explain that their circus-themed wedding had one very specific, but very rad detail:

We had a ferris wheel there! Also, our dance floor was the circus dance floor from “Batman.”

Man, if these two still aren’t your favorite non-Cesaro/Tyson Kidd WWE couple, I don’t even know what to tell you.

Sterling Archer has it all: good looks, a gun and amazing lacrosse skills. He”s also quite the ladies' man, this despite his best efforts to sabotage himself. Throughout seven seasons of Archer, Sterling frequently puts his “romantic” skills on display.

Check out the video below or above and find out exactly how the world”s best secret agent does it.

Please note that this video contains NSFW lyrics, and NSFYourHeart emotional gravitas.

Here’s a fun sentence I never thought I’d write: This mash-up of Rusev’s U.S. Championship reign and that song from Team America: World Police made me super emotional about pro wrestling. Well, fun until you watch the video, that is. Though we’re supposed to believe that Rusev is just a rude dude with a European ‘tude, one YouTube user recognized that he’s been the hero America needs, even if he’s not the hero America deserves.

As we should all know by now, Rusev lost his U.S. Championship match to Roman Reigns at Sunday’s Clash of Champions pay-per-view. Despite Lana’s brave and valiant efforts, the wet boy with the Duracell battery-inspired gear ruined Rusev’s title run, like he ruined their wedding celebration. What a dink.

Blending footage of his title reign and Clash match with ‘America, F*ck Yeah’ may not be the most current reference, but hey — it’s WWE. I mean heck, That ’70s Show cast members are visiting Raw on Monday, so “current” isn’t exactly the name of their game here. We’ll allow it for a fan video, especially one that points out what a glorious representative of the United States the Bulgarian Brute really was, and how truly terrible WWE faces really are.

Rusev machka? More like Roman Reigns machka … OUR HEARTS.

h/t Reddit

It’s a holiday, so we here at With Spandex believe that you need a break from the hubbub and rat race of your normal work week. At least, until Raw airs later tonight and we’re right back in the thick of Royal Rumble madness. (For Royal Rumble madness that lasts more than four hours, please consult your physician, or maybe go for a short walk before continuing your annual Rumble binge-watch.)

Anyway, the point is that you deserve a break today, and to that end, Total Divas breakout stars and the only true first couple of WWE (get outta here, John and Nikki), Lana and Rusev (just kidding, John and Nikki, we love you, but you’re no Lana and Rusev), are here to make sure that you know they’re going to keep making exceedingly silly Instagram videos for our amusement. In all honesty, we simply don’t deserve them.

Lana wants to know who the better dancer is, but Rusev doesn’t have time for any dumb dancing (except, I’m sure, during the two weddings we’ll be seeing soon on Total Divas). The stinger on this is just so great, I don’t even have the words for it.

Real talk here though: Lana is a way better breakdancer than you ever would have expected, right? Like, it’s not great breakdancing by any means, but if someone asked me to do my best attempt at breakdancing, I would just trip over my feet on my first shot at crazy-legs-ing and fall on my face and die. So Lana has easily cleared that bar, at least.

Thank you, Rusev and Lana, for continuing to make the world a place worth living in. Now give them their own Total Divas spinoff show, or we riot.