WWE
HOOOO-AAAA-UUUUUUG!
Pre-show Notes:
– Hey, folks. Don’t forget to lay down some Twitter and Facebook share for me! Here are the buttons…
– Join the cool kids’ wrestling club by following With Spandex on Twitter and Facebook. Follow yours truly on Twitter too!
Hit the next page to continue smacking down…
WWE
Pre-show notes:
– You can watch Extreme Rules 2015 on WWE Network here.
– If you’d like to read previous years’ Best and Worst of Extreme Rules reports, you can do so on the tag page.
– With Spandex is on Twitter, so follow it. Follow us on Twitter and like us on Facebook. You can also follow me on Twitter.
– Shares, likes, comments and other social media things are appreciated. PPV report get a weird response sometimes, so if you’d like to keep reading them and keep me writing them (instead of handing them off to strangers like I used to), share it around.
And now, the Best and Worst of WWE Extreme Rules 2015.
WWE
Pre-show notes:
– Make sure you’ve read the Best and Worst of Extreme Rules so you’ll get all the jokes about butts.
– With Spandex is on Twitter, so follow it. Follow us on Twitter and like us on Facebook. You can also follow me on Twitter.
– Shares, likes, comments and other social media things are appreciated. Don’t make me start doing Best and Worst of Raw Active Polls.
And now, the Best and Worst of WWE Raw for April 20, 2015.
TheLanaWWE on Instagram
Vnimanie! Are you one of those people chanting “We want Lana” at WWE events? Or just screaming it at your TV? Of course you are. All good, honest folks who value hilarious, leggy blondes over boring old U.S.-Russian relations want more Lana. If you don’t like Lana, well, you’re a sad person and about to become sadder.
According to the Wrestling Observer, Vince McMahon and WWE are very high on Lana. New female face of the company kind of high. Sadly, the evil Russian we know and love will have to undergo some changes if she wants to ascend to the top of WWE.
Obviously, she’ll be turning face and ditching Rusev, a process that has already begun, but Vince reportedly feels she should also be revealed to be American. The name Lana will likely be kept, but there’s been talk of using her real name, C.J. Yes, the reason they might use C.J. is because it was Pamela Anderson’s name on Baywatch. The dream of the ’90s is alive in WWE.
While I’m sad that we’ll be losing one of the best WWE characters of the past few years, I am excited to see what Lana can do in a somewhat less restrictive role. It’ll also be interesting to see what they do about the fact that Lana and Rusev are a couple in real life, and Lana’s Instagram is basically a non-stop feed of them being adorable in public. I suppose they could say Lana was an American secret agent who recruited Rusev to our side, but she found her heart had been compromised somewhere along the way. Whatever they have to do to make sure we get more pictures of them at Los Angeles Clippers and Nashville Predators games.
TheLanaWWE on Instagram
You crazy, evil kids.
WWE
'Why aren't the ropes yellow?'
Pre-show notes:
– In case you missed it, the vintage Best and Worst of Raw is back. We jumped forward three years to coordinate it with the Nitro report, so it’s the same general malaise with 100% more Isaac Yankem. Enjoy!
– With Spandex is on Twitter, so follow it. Follow us on Twitter and like us on Facebook. You can also follow me on Twitter.
– Shares, likes, comments and other social media things are appreciated.
And now, the Best and Worst of WWE Raw for May 5, 2015.
WWE
I never noticed before, but J&J’s ties and shirts and color coordinated with Seth’s t-shirt. This is wonderful.
Pre-show Notes:
– There was a bit of a drop-off shares last week. Don’t take the poor, dependable SmackDown report for granted! Here’s the buttons…
– Join the cool kids’ wrestling club by following With Spandex on Twitter and Facebook. Follow yours truly on Twitter, too!
Hit the next page to continue smacking down…
WWE
“You’re stepping on my cookies, bro.”
Pre-show Notes:
– Life isn’t all about yes or no, it’s actually about social media shares! Help the Smackdown report out and hit these here buttons…
– Join the cool kids’ wrestling club by following With Spandex on Twitter and Facebook. Follow yours truly on Twitter too!
Hit the next page to continue smacking down…
WWE
Pre-show notes:
– You can watch it on WWE Network here. Best and Worst of WWE Payback columns of the past can be found at the Best and Worst of Payback tag page.
– “Real life stuff” repost from the Raw report:
If you’re interested in seeing the best pro-wrestling card in Texas all spring (and possibly all year), Inspire Pro Wrestling’s ‘In Their Blood 2’ happens in Austin on May 31. It’s the same day as the Elimination Chamber, sure, but we didn’t schedule ours on a whim Monday afternoon. Also, Ricochet and Joey Ryan and Candice LeRae and a ton of other awesome people are gonna be there, so if you stay at home watching a show that will be on demand the second it ends, you’re gonna have a bad time.
If you’re interested in seeing Meet Me There on a big screen before our DVD/VOD release, your last chance is June 7 in New York City at the Anthology Film Archives. If this is your first time hearing about it, it’s a horror movie I made with Goldust and a bunch of awesome independent wrestlers, so in addition to being this emotional, tense thing about the horrors of sexual dysfunction, it’s also a “Where’s Waldo” for people who recognize Blue Pants or Evan Gelistico. Go see it! I’ll probably be there!
– With Spandex is on Twitter, so follow it. Follow us on Twitter and like us on Facebook. You can also follow me on Twitter.
– Shares, likes, comments and other social-media things are appreciated.
And now, the Best and Worst of WWE Payback 2015.
Worst: The Worst Part Of Your Local Wrestling Show
If you’re a regular at basically any independent wrestling show, you’ve seen this. Guys try to be funny by dressing up like Hulk Hogan, hulking up and doing the big boot. Sometimes another guy will dress up like Macho Man and yell, “ooh yeah.” It’s the first idea a person who likes wrestling gets when they’re asked to be funny. I don’t know why. People remember Hulk Hogan and he always did the same stuff, so you can be a guy they remember and you can do the stuff. It’s so low-rent that Mark and Roger could live there without complaining.
WWE’s obsessed with the joke, too. Remember when Big Show did it? Remember when Charlie Haas did it? Remember when Curly from The Three Stooges did it? No, really. It’s the laziest possible wrestling joke. It’s the “workin’ hard or HARDLY WORKIN’ ” of wrestling.
This entire thing’s a f*cking tire fire. You can say it’s not for my demographic or whatever, but what demographic is it for? It’s not for little kids. Little kids don’t care who Hulk Hogan and the Macho Man are. It’s not for anybody who likes Damien Sandow and wishes him well, because he’s sleepwalking through a terrible impersonation and getting squashed by a jobber team. It’s not for anybody who likes Curtis Axel or thought “Axelmania” was funny, because WWE can’t understand a joke they made and turned a funny bit about Axel thinking he has fan momentum into Axel thinking he is Actually Hulk Hogan. It’s not for people who want a good wrestling match, because woof. It’s just a waste of time, and a waste of everyone involved. Audience included.
Best: Boots 2 Asses
Remember when Dolph Ziggler was the Hero of WWE and single-handedly ousted The Authority from power? Well, here he is, six months later, rubbing his butt cheek in a dude’s face for revenge goofs before losing. HE’S HERE TO SHOW THE WORLD, HE’S HERE TO SHOW THE WORLD.
Anyway, there’s still something about Ziggler and Sheamus that doesn’t connect for me, but I liked the real-life circumstances of the finish. Nothing of note happens outside the Hilarious Ass-Wiping, which Sheamus sells by trying to vomit, because having a hip touch your orbit is like swallowing diarrhea. Every time Naomi does the Rear View, her opponent should vomit. There’s some leg work, which Dolph sells by running as fast and jumping as high as he can. The finish, though! That was a thing of beauty.
Ziggler’s trying to fight back, so he throws a big headbutt that knocks Sheamus back, then hits a superkick. Unfortunately for Ziggler he forgot to reinforce his skull with eyeliner — I assume this is what eyeliner is for — and gets split open. Ziggler gets a long 2-count, but he’s super f*cked up from the headbutt and just kinda staggers onto his knees. Sheamus sees blood in the figurative water, hits a Brogue Kick and puts him away. There’s no way this was the original finish. The referee immediately goes for the rubber gloves and Sheamus is basically no-selling the previous minute to set up and put Ziggler away. Still though, there’s something real about it. Ziggler tried a move and it backfired on him. That happens sometimes. You go for a thing that makes sense and sh*t happens, and you’re just doomed. Sheamus was in control before the superkick, so him recovering quicker than Ziggler and basically Old Yeller‘ing him works. I dunno, I dug it. It beats the hell out of watching them do a bunch of Irish whips and awkwardly set up a White Noise.
No more ass-based feuds now, OK? At least for a little while?
WWE
Best: Babyface Cesaro, And Basically Everything Else That’s Happening
I’m happy to live in a world where Cesaro hot tags are a thing. I’m glad WWE’s finally wisened up to the reality that we LIKE Cesaro and WANT to cheer for him, and that he makes a connection with audiences even if it’s not the ideal If Ya Suh-Mell La La La La La Laow one you want. We aren’t gonna pop for his catchphrases and bounce up and down in our chairs waiting for him to zing some jerk with hilarious one-liners, but we SUPER MIGHT want to watch him run at a guy and European uppercut him so hard they both fall into the turnbuckles. You can make money having a guy hold another guy by the ankles and spin him around, so you should probably do that.
For me, this match was the highlight of the show. We have to accept the reality that salvaging a tag-team division in WWE is impossible thanks to some combination of apathy and Attention Deficit Disorder, but if we can position the wrestlers who need this spotlight into this spotlight and pair them with coordinating peoples who can compliment their strengths and help cover up their weaknesses, we’re onto something. It doesn’t have to be on a mass scale. It doesn’t have to be grand societal change. It can just be welding Tyson Kidd’s personality to Cesaro’s battleship, and putting some corny stuff around Kofi Kingston to put him in a better context.
The first two falls end as they should, with combo finishers. I’m glad they had Xavier Woods wanting to sub himself in due to the “Freebird Rule,” and while I didn’t love the DOA Natalya interference bit, that’s the kind of thing you have to at least throw out there and acknowledge. The fact that it played into the finish was great, too, with Woods Freedbird Ruling whether the ref liked it. I’ve read a lot of people complaining about how the finish is an “all black people look-alike” thing, and while yeah, the announce team kinda read it that way, I thought Woods hid his hair and face well enough to justify it as a flash mistake. The ref wasn’t like, looking Woods in the eye and calling him Kofi Kingston. He’s not Michael Cole. He was on the other side of a small package.
Best: The Best Response To ‘This Is Awesome’ Chants
My favorite thing (and probably my favorite thing on the entire show) was Woods on the outside responding to ‘This Is Awesome’ chants. “WE KNOW! WE ARE WELL AWARE.”
You know what’s great? That feeling when a wrestler you’ve never liked is suddenly the thing you look forward to the most.
WWE
Best: We’re Too Big!
Later in the show, Byron Saxton finds The New Day backstage celebrating their win and drinking milk out of champagne glasses because holy sh*t The New Day is great. Byron apparently has the internet and they don’t, so he tells them that in two weeks they’ll be defending the tag titles in the first tag-team Elimination Chamber match.
The highlight:
Woods: “What the HELL?”
Kofi: “That is not fair, that is not fair! What, all three of us have to squeeze inside one pod?”
Big E: “We’re too big!”
I want to put The New Day in a pile and hug the pile.
WWE
Best/Worst: Now Let’s Never Speak Of This Again
Sometimes a match can be good, but dead on arrival.
That’s how I feel about Bray Wyatt vs. Ryback. The feud has been abysmal, with Wyatt just talking and gasping and talking and gasping and Ryback sometimes showing up. Lots of looking off-screen to the right and whisper-talking about what things mean. They played a FULL MUSIC VIDEO before the match, as though Wyatt/Ryback was Austin/Rock at WrestleMania 17. WWE’s production team could add music to me taking a dump in the morning and make it look like art, but still, a music video? For this?
And yeah, the truth is that the match isn’t bad. When I was watching it, it felt like the worst thing in the world, but thinking about it later (and sitting through the real-life nightmare of Rusev/Cena immediately after it) put it into perspective. It’s a good story. Wyatt realizes Ryback’s super strong, so he tries to take out his core. He does that fat man senton off the apron and breaks one of Ryback’s ribs, which basically ruins Ryback’s entire moveset. He can’t get him up clean for a Shell Shocked, he can’t capitalize on a top-rope splash, nothing. He’s got the power of FOOD REQUESTS or whatever, though, so Wyatt’s gotta be smart and follow up. He does that by shoving Ryback ribs-first into an exposed turnbuckle, which stuns him long enough to let Wyatt snap off a Sister Abigail and win. It’s easy-to-follow physical psychology — cause and effect. WWE matches miss that a lot, like when Ziggler’s jumping 10 feet into the air on a DDT when his leg’s supposed to be hurt. It’s a good match. Unfortunately, good matches aren’t always exciting.
If Ryback’s legitimately injured again, I want at least 10 Backstage Fallout videos of him angrily flipping through The Secret.
WWE
Worst: 30 Minutes Of Cute Garbage
So, this thing.
1. Remember when Rusev defeated Cena on a weird technicality at Fast Lane and everybody got indignant about how gracious Cena was for putting him over? Yeah, Cena followed that by beating him clean at WrestleMania, defeating him in a Russia-specific gimmick match at Extreme Rules and making him speak in f*cking tongues at Payback. For all intents and purposes, this should be the end of the Rusev character. That sounds melodramatic, but back in the day you’d bring in a guy like Kamala and feed him to Hulk Hogan or whoever, and when that was over you’d send Kamala somewhere else. It doesn’t mean Kamala’s bad or doesn’t have an upside, it’s just that he exists as a purposeful cartoon character in the interest of putting over an actually important character. It’s like Mer-Man from He-Man. He’s awesome and he’s got a funny voice and he looks cool and what, he can command giant space seahorses? You want to see him all the time, right? Well, they drew him into the show so He-Man could show up and beat his ass.
2. WWE found a way to make ‘I Quit’ matches worse than Last Man Standing matches. This thing was 30 minutes long, which works out to 10 minutes of fighting and 20 minutes of the referee asking DO YOU GIVE UP? Seriously, the point is that you beat up your opponent really badly or do something really nasty to them, or maybe you put them in a submission and keep it on a long time. THEN the referee pops in with a microphone, and the guy growls or screams or says yes or no and that’s it. Here, Rusev would hit a f*cking hip-toss and Cena would have to have a full conversation with the referee. It was INSANE. It was the slowest, most boring, most unnecessary thing I’ve seen in ages, and the dialogue yanked the impact from anything actually happening.
3. It was a Greatest Hits Of John Cena Hardcore Matches. The STF with the dismantled top rope? From his 2007 Royal Rumble match with Umaga. The bit with the heel discovering he could attack Cena with pyro? Straight out of the Bragging Rights Iron Man Match with Randy Orton.
4. The heel/face dynamic is still screwed for me, too. Cena’s threatening to put Rusev through the Bell Keeper’s wall. Rusev refuses to give up, so Cena does it. Isn’t that a really f*cking heel thing to do? Wouldn’t the valiant thing be to just keep attacking Rusev until he was down, put him through the wall and hope that’s enough? Why are shouted threats from Daddy a thing I should be cheering for? What about when Cena dumps Rusev onto the pyro and explodes him like they’re on Wrestling Society X? Rusev dramatically crawls around, gasping for air, trying to fight back as a seemingly-unharmed Cena attacks him with a guard rail. I get that everything’s fair and Cena would be dumb for not using everything at his disposal, but man, why is so much of this match a stern-faced Cena beating the sh*t out of a guy who’s supposed to be his scary opponent? Rusev’s on his knees with his arms out and his mouth open like he’s on the cover of Platoon and Cena’s doing awkward typing jokes on a laptop.
5:
Worst: The Finish, Which Makes Less Sense Every Time You Think About It
First of all, when the ref rang the bell and Rusev decided to cut a promo and said the words “I quit,” he should’ve lost. It’s an I Quit Match. The first person to say the words “I quit” loses. If there’s a weird precedent to this, I want to be in an I Quit match and start by yelling REF I GIVE UP I QUIT I QUIT I QUIT THE MATCH and then going on Twitter and arguing technicalities. That sounds really fun.
There’s such an issue made about having to say the words “I” and “quit.” Rusev puts Cena in the Accolade and makes him pass out, but it *doesn’t count* because he didn’t say “I quit.” The match continues, Cena puts Rusev in the STF. Lana gets in the ring and says “he quits,” and the referee and everybody’s like OH SURE THAT’S TOTALLY FINE, RING THE BELL. It’s madness. If Rusev was yelling “I quit” over and over in Bulgarian, guess what? He didn’t say the words “I” and “quit.” If you’re gonna be that much of a hard-ass about technicalities, they have to be consistent. Hell, at least let them be consistent in the same match. Remember when Jeff Jarrett wrestled Chyna in a “Good Housekeeping Match?” The stipulation was that you could legally use any weapon you’d find in your home. Jeff Jarrett hits Chyna with 6h4 Intercontinental Championship and it doesn’t count, because it’s not a household item. Chyna hits Jarrett with a guitar and it counts and she wins. Why wouldn’t the Intercontinental Champion have the Intercontinental Championship in his house?
It’s just so f*cking weird to me that they can’t pull the trigger on this in either direction. They can’t have Rusev look strong and win, because of John Cena. They can’t have Cena just straight-up power up and pin him clean outside WrestleMania, because they want to “protect” Rusev. So they keep doing these dumb technicality finishes that don’t help anybody, and they tread the same stale water they’ve been sinking in since they fell off the boat in 2007. Rusev looks like a baby because he lost three times in a row and Cena made him cry. Cena looks like a jerk for being so weirdly jingoistic and violent — remember when he kept attacking an unconscious Rusev until Lana agreed to a match? Lana looks like something between an idiot and a bad girlfriend for being into a crowd of people she said she hated for a year and repeatedly screwing Rusev over.
In other words,
♫ do doodoo doooooo ♫
WWE
Worst: Also, This Match Happened!
Naomi has pinned the Divas Champion!
(I wanted the entire writeup of the match to be that, but seriously, Naomi beat the Dominant Divas Champion with that move anybody who wrestles Ric Flair uses to keep Flair from jumping off the top rope. You know, the running “put my hand on your balls and make you say NO NO before I throw you down on your side and make you scream out AH SH*T AH GAHD.” That one. Naomi won with THAT.)
(I am officially not interested in Naomi until they figure out how to make her boots leave light trails when she kicks.)
WWE
Worst: I’m Paying $9.99 To Watch Raw
WWE already destroyed the mystique of pay-per-view when they built their own network and decided every PPV set should be the Raw set with the colors changed, but now it’s getting worse. They’re announcing network-exclusive shows sometimes only a day or two before, springing entire formal “pay-per-views” on us like Elimination Chamber out of the blue and, combined with the NXT live specials, doing four big shows in four weeks. Combine that with three-plus hours of Raw and two hours of Additional Raw (called “Smackdown”) and you’re basically doing like 10 hours of Raw a week. That’s a MESS. You can’t reliably do THREE hours of Raw that anybody who isn’t 5 or stupid can watch without being bothered and you’re going for TEN?
King Barrett wrestles Neville in a match that is happening For No Reason, ostensibly to set up a story for the Intercontinental Championship Elimination Chamber match. You’re using a spot on an actual pay-per-view to sell like one-third of a match on a different, impromptu one. And you’re doing it by having a meandering match that ends with a purposeful count-out, which is one of the very worst of all Raw tropes. The only way it could have been worse is if he’d gotten counted out, the ref had restarted the match, he had called Neville a b*tch, gotten rolled up off a distraction and pinned in a birthday cake on a table at a contract signing.
WWE
Best: I Want To Believe
And then, the main. Oh mercy, the main.
Late in the match, Seth Rollins, Dean Ambrose and Roman Reigns find themselves surrounding a downed Randy Orton. When he fights back, they instinctively join forces for a Shield beatdown and put him through the announce table with a triple powerbomb. For one glorious minute, the world was right again.
Of course, it wasn’t to be. Michael Cole ruined the drama of whether it could be a real thing by yelling “THE SHIELD REUNITING ONE TIME ONLY,” which was so bad Lawler tried to cover it with a “how do you know it’s one time only?” Still though, if we’re never getting that Shield reunion I fantasy book in every single pay-per-view predictions post, they gave me a minute, and for that I’m thankful. The fist-bump tease made my heart grow three sizes and then broke it in half, but hey, at least my broken heart is big.
I hope they revisit this around SummerSlam, when Brock Lesnar returns and wants his belt back. But I’m the guy who wants The Shield to reunite, feud with a reunited Wyatt Family and then realize they’ll have to work together with the Wyatts to stop the reunited Nexus, so maybe don’t listen to me.
WWE
Worst: MORE KANE PLEASE
The match itself was good, except for one thing: Kane.
I don’t know who saw a match with all three Shield guys in it and thought the story should be “what will Kane do to save his middle-management position,” but here we are. Every time the wrestlers are able to create drama, Kane shows up and inserts himself. It’s the story they’re telling so I’m not saying they did it wrong, I just hated it. I don’t want to know Kane’s story. I don’t need to know how he feels about his role in a vague heel faction that runs a wrestling show but hates all the wrestlers. I don’t need to see him bailing Seth Rollins out at every turn … I want to see Rollins bail out Rollins at every turn. I want the heat to go to HIM, because he’s a f*cking heat magnet and young and great at wrestling, and not a remnant of a Chef Boyardee commercial from 15 years ago. I want WWE’s present, and I want to formally and finally step out of the past. Kane should’ve vanished into thin air like Mitch Connor when Triple H and Undertaker Ended An Era.
I can’t wait to see what The Authority has in store for themselves (?) at Elimination Chamber.
Best: Top 10 Comments Of The Night
Aerial Jesus
Sierra Hotel India Echo Lima Delta Oscar Romeo Whiskey Echo Romeo India Oscar Tango.
Harry Longabaugh
That was the Pedigree that they named the dog food after.
Art Salmons
If Brock came out and made them both submit at the same time with a double Kimura lock, I would mail my credit card straight to the WWE network with a note that says, “just keep it.”
Spitty
*Bellas do twin magic* Ref: “I aint falling for that.”
*Awesome Kong pins Brie* “Ring the bell.”
Gratliff
Give me the mic, ref. I’m ready.
LBCS
Rusev didn’t win because he was literally too good at beating Cena
Amanda Huggenkiss
Nobody puts Lana in the corner!
Slumdog_prince
Byron Saxton is a real life Tom DuBois from the Boondocks.
John Michael Hall
I’d like to take a moment to congratulate the fifth grader who won the “Design Ryback’s Singlet” contest his or her school held.
Brocky
In the future:
David Otugna: “Your honor, I cite in the case of Goldberg v. Sid Vicious of Halloween Havoc 1999, which set the precedent that during an I Quit match, if one participant in an “I Quit” match loses consciousness, the match can end.
Judge: “This precedent is nullified by the Vince Russo clause, instantly nullifying all decisions made under the authority of Vince Russo.”
Otugna: “Your honor, I will also cite Hart v. Austin of 1997, where under certified authority, one individual losing consciousness is grounds for a match ending.”
Judge: “The case you cite is a submission match, while, having identical rules, is not applicable.”
Otunga: “So Cena wins lol?”
Judge: “Cena wins lol!”
Thanks, everybody. See you tonight, for the three pay-per-views happening between this afternoon and Tuesday morning.
WWE
Things haven’t been going well for Rusev lately. He couldn’t put John Cena down with an AK-47, his ravishing Russian manager is getting ready to bolt, and he’s now lost the Star of the Russian Federation. Sure, the medal hasn’t been a big part of his act lately, but it was handcrafted by Vladimir Putin himself! What, you think you can just replace a gold-spraypainted wooden star?
This rather odd story started when Rusev sent out a tweet, claiming his medal had been stolen…
Not long afterward, a fan named Nate Ligthner popped up on Instagram wearing the medal. Rusev did not seem particularly pleased by this.
Posting pictures of yourself with stolen property probably isn’t the greatest idea, but the guy who now possesses Russia’s greatest prize says he didn’t steal it at all.
It’s hard to know who to believe here, but word is that the fan’s account is more or less correct. Rusev forgot the medal, so WWE may have a tough time retrieving it. Personally, if I happened to “acquire” Rusev’s medal, I’d just give it back. Let’s not forget, the dude has access to a tank.
WWE
Pre-show notes:
– Be sure you’ve read The Best and Worst of WWE Payback 2015 before continuing.
– Real life stuff repost:
If you’re interested in seeing the best pro wrestling card in Texas all spring (and possibly all year), Inspire Pro Wrestling’s ‘In Their Blood 2’ happens in Austin on 5/31. It’s the same day as the Elimination Chamber, sure, but we didn’t schedule ours on a whim Monday afternoon. Also, Ricochet and Joey Ryan and Candice LeRae and a ton of other awesome people are gonna be there, so if you stay at home watching a show that’ll be on demand the second it ends, you’re gonna have a bad time.
If you’re interested in seeing Meet Me There on a big screen before our DVD/VOD release, your last chance is June 7 in New York City at the Anthology Film Archives. If this is your first time hearing of it, it’s a horror movie I made with Goldust and a bunch of awesome independent wrestlers, so in addition to being this emotional, tense thing about the horrors of sexual dysfunction it’s also a ‘Where’s Waldo’ for people who recognize Blue Pants or Evan Gelistico. Go see it! I’ll probably be there!
– With Spandex is on Twitter, so follow it. Follow us on Twitter and like us on Facebook. You can also follow me on Twitter.
– Shares, likes, comments and other social media things are appreciated.
And now, the Best and Worst of WWE Raw for May 18, 2015.
Best/Worst: Female Daddy’s Home
1. That drumroll to reveal the Intercontinental Championship was the saddest thing of all time.
2. Hey look, everybody, it’s Stephanie McMahon! Triple H didn’t clandestinely murder her and hide her body on a tropical island while they were on vacation, or whatever! And she’s wearing terrible lipstick! And she’s … dressed like Mrs. Claus? I dunno.
I’m happy to have Stephanie back because I think she’s hilarious (“back’a th’liiiine!”), but she presents the same problems as Triple H. She’s a fantastic performer with a great sense of timing and a supernatural ability to manipulate and control wrestling crowds, but she’s also kinda shoot terrible? The existence of a strong female authority figure character means she has to jump in and emasculate every top superstar at every opportunity, and while I understand it and sometimes love it, it can get tedious. Like, I don’t need to see her smirking and no-selling Ryback’s attempts at looking like an Important Person, you know? When she does it to Cena it works because he’s so singular and bulletproof, and we can justify him being “taken down a peg.” How many pegs can you take the Ryback down? He’s on the ground beneath the bottom peg. And what makes her sometimes even worse than H is that H can get comeuppance. He can get his ass beaten from time to time, or get showed up or “defeated.” Stephanie never, ever gets comeuppance. The worst she gets is being an upset background character for decisions she doesn’t like, and then they’re immediately fixed. I think the last time she got Actual Comeuppance was when Vickie Guerrero took her mudding, and even that was a self-contained one episode thing.
3. The motivations for the Intercontinental Championship Elimination Chamber are so weird. It’s like the first draft of an idea. “The Intercontinental Champion got broken competing for the title in a dangerous match and can no longer compete, so we’re gonna name a stronger, more durable champion by having a bunch of people compete in a match that shortens careers.” At least Dario Cueto’s open about wanting everybody the crowd likes to die from ultraviolence.
Best: Sheamus Vs. Ryback, Or
Worst: Losers Getting Whatever They Want Because They Complain
The first match of the night is Sheamus vs. Ryback, and it’s another of those “good matches that aren’t particularly exciting” that Ryback specializes in. Like Ryback/Wyatt, the story’s solid. Sheamus gets thrown into the ring post orbit-first, so he covers his face and starts favoring his eye. Ryback continues the attack but the referee starts getting concerned, so he tries to separate them and figure out what’s up. Sheamus uses that moment of distraction to hit a Brogue Kick on Ryback for the Critical and just kinda collapses on him, still holding the eye. I like that Sheamus not only had a gameplan in case he got in trouble, but that he held on to the con until after the match so he could condescendingly justify it as “real.”
The problem I have is with the match existing at all (ha) and Ryback’s inclusion in the IC title Elimination Chamber match. Sheamus shows up and interrupts the Authority with a legitimate point: he’s basically got Daniel Bryan’s number. He beat him in 18 seconds at WrestleMania, and now he beat him so badly his career’s over. Of course, that’s not the actual story, but Sheamus was the last guy to face him so he can take credit for it. He’s also a former Everything Champion, so why wouldn’t he be in the match? Then loser-ass Ryback shows up, is all “Daniel Bryan is a GREAT DUDE” and is suddenly ALSO a championship contender and facing Sheamus RIGHT NOW despite the fact that he’s a Nothing Ever Champion who lost to Bray Wyatt the previous night. He loses, again, but he’s still competing for a title in a huge gimmick match because dot dot dot question mark. At least R-Truth beat Stardust.
If I could change one thing about WWE, it’d be the elimination of people being able to just show up and book their own matches via argument. At least on NXT they’ve got William Regal pointing that out and justifying why it should happen anyway. At least do THAT.
Best: Bo Knows
Unsurprisingly, one of my favorite moments of the entire show was Neville being randomly confronted by Bo Dallas and acknowledging their NXT history. While it’s not Zayn/Owens by any stretch of the imagination, Neville and Bo had a lengthy history. They’re the #1 and 2 longest-reigning NXT Champions ever. Neville beat Bo for the title at Arrival, NXT’s first live special, and held the title 7 days longer than him. 287 to 280. The nod to that was great because they could’ve just ignored it in favor of establishing Neville in a new universe where he’s a weird-looking spaceman and Bo’s a loser.
It also made Bo feel like an important character for the first time in a long time. Bo attacked Neville and caused him to lose. He got to sit in on commentary and be funny and be a character in the universe, and not just the guy who says “bo-lieve” and loses. WWE has a f*cking treasure trove of great performers and characters they could use to flesh out their world and turn Raw and Smackdown into ‘The Simpsons.’ The Simpson family are your protagonists, sure, but sometimes there’s an episode about Krusty or Comic Book Guy or Lenny and Carl. At least a good B-story.
Best: Neville Selling On Offense
It’s such a simple thing, and nobody ever seems to do it.
Neville’s knee is taped up, so when he pisses off Bo, Bo attacks it. That leaves Neville vulnerable during his match with King Barrett. Normally what’d happen is a guy would be injured and sell early in the match, do all of his signature moves like everything was fine and then, if we were lucky, remember to sell for a second during the finish. Sometimes they’ll only remember to sell after it’s over, but only between the pinfall and the “getting up on the ropes” taunting parts. Neville actually wrestles a match with an injury, which is a totally different thing. When he does a move that involves the knee, he sells it. He hits a jawbreaker on Barrett where he drops to his knees, so he grimaces and touches the knee. It lasts about half a second, but it MATTERS. He throws kicks where he has to use the bad leg as a fulcrum and he sells it for a moment, but never oversells it. It’s indirect pain. It gets worse when he throws a spinkick with the bad leg and tries to keep Barrett up for his delayed German, and it goes out on him completely during a springboard. The story works because this is Neville’s offense. He doesn’t have anything else. He’s either gotta power through it and trust himself to be okay, or he has to crash and burn. He crashes and burns here, and Barrett gives him the ROAL BULLHAMMAH for the win. Love. Wrestling is awesome when you can trick yourself into thinking, at least in the moment, that it’s real. If you can trick yourself enough on a regular basis, you start expecting that awesome reality and everything about the show feels better.
Also great: Bo Dallas and Booker T having conversations, and Bo calling him “Mr. T.” Don’t ever leave me again, NXT Bo Dallas.
Best: The Best Dean Ambrose/Bray Wyatt Match So Far
It’s probably a bad sign that when I was writing up this report I’d totally forgotten this match happened, but I enjoyed it while I was watching it. It certainly played better for me than their previous matches, although there’s basically no drama in Wyatt taking moves when he more or less no-sold a splash through a table from the top of an ambulance. What, I’m supposed to believe he’s gonna get super hurt because Ambrose fall backwards in the ropes like an idiot before he threw a clothesline?
Ambrose has GOT to stop leaning on that rebound lariat. It’s getting comical. He goes for it non-stop, which is what made any Ring of Honor fan with a brain hate Nigel McGuinness during his ROH title run. He stopped wrestling and just started falling around in the ropes and throwing lariats for 30 minutes. I get that it’s a unique thing and can be an Ambrose signature, but Jesus, limit him to one well-timed attempt per match. Two max, and only if you have the first one reversed. Most of the time people are just standing there gawking at him when he does it anyway, they should just run up and kick him in the ass. Run up and shove his legs and send him falling to the concrete. That’ll teach him. You know what also builds momentum, Dean? Running into the ropes like normal.
It was a good match, though, don’t let my hyper-specific complaining fool you. I’m a little anxious whenever Wyatt starts winning matches, though, because you know he’s just being built up to get fed to someone important. Is he wrestling Sting at SummerSlam or something?
Best: The Lana And Rusev Breakup, Part 1
Let’s take these one at a time.
So, Rusev shows up to protest the finish to the I Quit match from Payback and tries to restart it, which frankly is the biggest heel move of all time. He tells the crowd that there won’t be any Lana tonight, but Lana shows up anyway and tries to explain herself. What follows is one of the most emotionally complex situations I’ve maybe ever seen on a main-roster WWE show, whether they were doing it on purpose or not.
Lana gave up for Rusev because she cares about him and wanted to do the right thing not only for him, but for them. She implies their romantic relationship more than ever before, which isn’t a shocking surprise to anyone with social media, but she stays professional. She’s not sobbing, she’s not screaming, she’s just speaking passionately and trying to explain herself. She lets it slip that Rusev was saying “I quit” in Bulgarian, a language NOBODY IN THE WORLD COULD EVER HOPE TO UNDERSTAND according to the pleeb announce team. Rusev’s response is to get heated and lash out at her, call her names and tell her to leave. In a normal WWE situation, this would play as crass and misogynistic. Here, though, Rusev is clearly in pain. He’s embarrassed. He’s lashing out because he’s humiliated and she let out his big secret about what he said, and his emotions are out of control. His identity, everything he is, has been threatened and compromised by the one person he’s tried to trust. The key is when Lana says he’s “misunderstood.” That’s the focal point of all of this. It’s a shamed man trying to come to terms with what’s happened and attacking the only person who wants to help him. It’s real life. It’s what happens, for better or worse.
“You’re weak, and you make me weak.”
That line killed me. It kills her, too. She leaves, and as she’s leaving, Rusev keeps yelling at her to go. She’s already leaving, you know? He’s just yelling because he wants her to turn around and yell back at him and argue, because his brain’s on fire and he needs to work it out. He needs an answer. An excuse. He needs her to know him and take this blame and make it better, but she does know him, and that’s why she’s leaving. He’s misunderstood by everyone, including himself. He just screams and screams until she disappears into the back. It’s like the ending of Harry and the Hendersons, and Rusev’s trying to get her to leave before things get worse. That’s amazing.
Anyway …
Worst: The Lana And Rusev Breakup, Part 2
WWE is a ruiner.
Dolph Ziggler wrestles Stardust for like five seconds. When that’s over, Michael Cole gets in the ring to tell him he’s an entrant in the Intercontinental Championship Elimination Chamber match. As that’s happening, Lana shows up for basically no reason, stands around awkwardly for a few seconds and kissing Ziggler. The crowd I guess is one of those Saved By The Bell groups that’ve never seen a kiss before so they go crazy, and Lana kisses him again. That brings out Rusev, who attacks Ziggler and gets slapped by Lana. He gets enraged, and Ziggler Zig Zags him from behind. Ziggler and Lana leave, and now she’s posting hashtag American Selfies on Instagram.
It’s not “bad” I guess, aside from it being lazy, existing for all the wrong reasons and selling out a Diva’s one instance of emotional complexity. It’s just a valet leaving a heel and pairing up with a face to make the heel mad because they’re in a match together and it needs heat. But man, it’s so disheartening. A story about Lana and Rusev as human beings falling apart is turned into “I’m gonna kiss the babyface because he’s HOT” and Rusev wanting to beat her up. It’s just … dumb. It’s dumb when it doesn’t have to be. There’s nothing more infuriating than when WWE has a good story and gets afraid to tell it. It’s why Sandow and Axel are just cosplaying the Mega Powers instead of bonding over the fact that they’re lost and neither of them has an identity. It’s why Emma is stealing Bayley’s shirt instead of playing on the truth about what WWE wants from women on the main roster.
A supplemental Best, I guess, for Lana being Eskimo Brothers with Sheamus’s ass.
Worst: The Worst WWE Finish
Cesaro and Tyson Kidd wrestle The New Day again, only this time Xavier Woods is banned from ringside. Instead of doing anything with this concept or moving these teams forward in any way, WWE decided to cram together two of their very worst tropes:
1. The “you WRESTLED TOO MUCH” finish where wrestlers don’t listen to the referee for like five arbitrary seconds and get disqualified. The New Day is stomping Tyson Kidd in the corner and the ref goes “hey, stop it” and when they don’t, whoops, the match is over. It’s the worst. It’s everything bad about the distraction rollup or the countout-on-purpose without the basic amount of structural work those finishes require. It’s wrestling for the sake of not wrestling.
2. That thing where a multi-person match or a battle royal is coming up, so everybody involves runs out for no reason and punches each other. There’s no goddamn reason why a New Day/Cesaro and Kidd match should end with the Lucha Dragons running out and doing anything, and there’s no reason why a Lucha Dragons run-in should bring out Los Matadores, and on and on. They’re just like WE’RE ALSO HERE, which doesn’t even make kayfabe sense because if you know you’re in a match for the tag titles with 5 other teams and you see those 5 teams hurting each other, shouldn’t you stay the hell in the back and let it happen? If it’s about something vague like “making an impact,” can you have Sin Cara run out doing airball crossbodies and let The Ascension chill in the back by the monitors making Mr. Burns hands?
Best: The New Day, Though
I can’t write one of these columns during this assumed month-and-a-half or whatever The New Day gets to be good without pointing out how good they’re being. Kofi and Big E’s FIVE? FIVE! FIVE? FIVE! bit was great even before it tied itself into E’s Langston days. I can’t believe I’m typing it, but this show needed more Xavier Woods.
Worst: Is There A Sadder Team Than Fandango And Zack Ryder?
Here’s the roster photo Fandango keeps in his pocket:
Pretty mediocre photographic fakery, they cut off Derrick Bateman’s hair.
Worst: ‘More Tamina’ Said Nobody
Nikki Bella defends her Divas Championship against Naomi, and somehow the feud still isn’t about how many times Naomi’s pinned her, it’s about how bad Nikki feels that she can’t be seconded by her enslaved twin sister. They pretend to wrestle a little and hurry to the finish, which is Tamina getting in the ring and superkicking Nikki before she can hit the Rack Attack. It’s not an insult to women’s wrestling in general, but the crew they’ve got on Raw right now just seems so … fake. They don’t seem like they get what wrestling’s supposed to be about. There’s nothing visceral happening, they’re just tying up and hitting each other with their asses and forming thick, concrete walls between what WWE audiences think is “good women’s wrestling” and the reality. They half-ass it until the shit happening in NXT becomes so removed from “WWE” that casual fans think it’s what “hipsters” like, or worse, smarks. It’s not just a better option. It’s a conflict. It’s “let’s aim higher” being nerfed by “what we have is good enough.”
Best: Paige, At Least!
The payoff to the match is Paige returning from filming Christmas Bounty 2: The Desolation Of Miz to save Nikki Bella, then beat her up because REASONS! None of it really makes sense beyond “everybody hates everybody and nobody’s even sorta likable,” which I guess is the mission statement of the Divas division, but hey, it’s Paige. If I can have a show with Paige or a show without her, I’m picking with.
BEST: TRAMMAPOLINE
From the very excited thing I wrote as soon as the show ended:
If you missed Raw, John Cena’s U.S. Open Challenge was answered by none other than NXT Champion Kevin Owens. That by itself — the image of Kevin Steen standing in the ring with f*cking John Cena — would be crazy. What happened is … so far beyond that.
Owens explained to Cena that HE was the one who injured Sami Zayn, and that Zayn was broken long before his Raw debut against Cena a few weeks ago. Cena responded by saying that Zayn showed him heart, and that Owens has none. There’s nothing that bothers Owens more than having Sami Zayn’s awesomeness thrown in his face, so he backed out of the open challenge and kicked Cena’s ass anyway. A boot to the stomach and a pop-up powerbomb later and the NXT Champ was standing on the United States title belt and You Can’t Seeing Me (you can’t see me-ing?) in the face of The Face That Runs The Place. Holy crap.
It’s such a perfect moment born from the most ridiculously fantasy-booking-obsessed parts of my brain that I can’t even analyze it. Owens is using an open challenge for a United States Championship match to talk shit about Sami Zayn. He’s being condescending to John Cena, a man who ABSOLUTELY CANNOT HANDLE CONDESCENSION. He’s establishing himself as the perfect foil for Cena because he represents the opposite of everything Cena stands for … he’s not American, he doesn’t love America’s troops, he will give up if he thinks it’s not worth his time, he won’t wrestle matches for nothing to prove vague points, he doesn’t work out all the time, he has a family, he killed himself on the indies for 15 years, he wasn’t handed shots, he’s not handsome, he’s not a movie star, he’s not beloved by Hollywood producers. He’s not a face that runs any place. He’s a fighter. He’s independent wrestling. He wrestles in a t-shirt. He loves his kids and hates everyone else’s. He’s the every man, with the understanding that every man is actually an asshole.
Cena’s great, too, because he’s such an impossible person. He knows who Owens is, and knows that “Sami Zayn is great” will get him off his game. He’s also arrogant enough to let his guard down and think Owens will get as intimidated by him as Zayn and Neville were. He has no idea what a pile of shit this guy is, and it’s great.
My only worry is that Owens’ awesome “we’ll fight one day on my terms” is happening so soon and not years from now, because it would’ve been a really cool moment to flash back to when things truly mattered, and because I don’t want Cena just automatically getting his heat back and Rusev’ing Owens on a smaller scale. I’m not asking for Kev to trounce him at Elimination Chamber, but I hope he ends up looking as good there as he did here.
Worst: The Authority Vs. The Authority, The Legend Continues
The main event of the show was a video package sandwiched between more of The Authority arguing and punishing themselves for no reason. They force Kane to introduce Rollins and kiss his ass, and Rollins keeps exacerbating it. Dean Ambrose interrupts and The Authority backs off to make Rollins not be a coward and fight him one-on-one, then jump in anyway when he starts getting beaten up. Ambrose holds Rollins hostage to get a match he wants and The Authority gives in to keep Rollins from getting hurt, then jump in anyway and save him when they could’ve just said HEY HEY HEY HEY HEY and like, jangled some keys to distract Ambrose for the same amount of time. Then Ambrose gets the upper hand, only to lose it to Rollins, and this is just a wacky mess that keeps going around in circles and doesn’t put anybody over.
Rollins looks like a coward because he can’t win a one-on-one fight and has to take cheap shots. That’d be fine, except the people calling him out on this are the people HELPING HIM TAKE THE CHEAP SHOTS and simultaneously putting him in situations that benefit and hurt him. It’s so bi-polar. The Authority has no idea what it wants or what the end game is. Kane’s a lap dog who sells out every time he gets close to breaking free, so there’s no value in hoping he’ll break free, and no threat in him sticking around. Dean Ambrose is a jerk who tries to get thematic revenge almost a year later, but can’t pull the trigger and gets beaten up. CONTINUES DERP SOUNDS.
WWE
Best: ROMAN REIGNS RETURNS
FINALLY.
Best: Top 10 Comments Of The Night
Harry Longabaugh
Why are they drinking champagne out of milk flutes?
RyanHYK
Kane: “You made me angry and questioned my authority, so you’ll be facing Bray Wyatt!”
Dean: “Don’t you mean I’m facing you?”
Kane: “Well, normally, that’s how it would work, but then who’d face Roman?”
Cami
At Elimination Chamber, Titus pins Kofi for the title, and the ref awards the belts to The New Day.
EasyEW
(Lana lays a big smooch on Dolph Ziggler)
Lana: You still taste like Amy Schumer.
Dolph: How do you know what Amy Schumer tastes like?
The 1005th hold
Dolph and Lana were making babies, and Rusev saw the babies, and one of the babies looked at him!
PhilBallins
I feel so bad for Ryder. His broskis never stick around, his hoeski left the company, and Trotsky was assassinated like seventy years ago.
Makerting man
Steph: “Health is of the Utmost importance of our superstars and diva”
Brie “Why don’t we have health insurance then?”
LBCS
It is very sad that Paige’s ring is her house.
Hornswoggle can’t be a good roommate
SHough610
WWE Too Hot For TV or as it was known in 2010 and 2012: Connecticut Opposition Research
AddMayne
KEVIN OWENS IS BEATING UP JOHN CENA, LANA ISN’T WITH RUSEV ANYMORE, ADAM ROSE DOESNT HAVE ROSE BUDS, DOGS AND CATS LIVING TOGETHER, MASS HYSTERIA!
Thanks, everybody. See you on Wednesday for NXT!
WWE
She may not be a great wrestler, but Tamina is a hell of a smirker.
Pre-show Notes:
– Hey folks, make sure not to make your nifty exits without sharing the SmackDown report! Here’s dem buttons…
– Join the cool kids’ wrestling club by following With Spandex on Twitter and Facebook. Follow yours truly on Twitter, too!
Hit the next page to continue smacking down…
WWE
Kevin Owens realizing he can say anything he wants about John Cena on Smackdown without repercussion.
Pre-show Notes:
– Hey folks, become a real champ by sharing the Smackdown report! Here’s some handy buttons to help you out…
– Join the cool kids’ wrestling club by following With Spandex on Twitter and Facebook. Follow yours truly on Twitter too!
Hit the next page to continue smacking down…
WWE
Worst: So Nice They’re Giving It To Us Twice
Yup, they’re just giving us the opening tag match from Raw again (as a Smackdown main event, naturally) even though it ended on a perfectly acceptable, conclusive note the first time around. No explanation, no context, no tweaking, just literally, “Here’s the exact same thing we gave you on Raw, because what are you going to do? Not watch Smackdown? We dare you, you pathetic wrestling addict and/or guy who gets paid to write about this stupid show.”
To add insult to injury, Jerry Lawler ineptly tried to make a silk purse out of this sow’s ear by saying the Raw match was “so nice, we’re giving it to you twice.” Eat every tender morsel of my sh*t, Jerry. You don’t even want to know what I’d do to live in a world where I’ve only seen some combination of Dean Ambrose, Roman Reigns, Kane and Seth Rollins wrestle twice. You really don’t.
WWE
Worst: The Ultimate Smackdown Special
For those that may be new to these reports, a Smackdown Special is a promo, usually cut by Seth Rollins or Randy Orton, which serves no other purpose than to recap what happened on Raw and burn a few minutes off the clock. No new information, no real storyline development, just pure time-filling. At least we usually get a little padding. A bit of sass-talk, Kane coming out to make a tag match or something. Not tonight!
Here’s a timeline of Smackdown’s opening segment…
2:30 into the show, Dean Ambrose starts recapping his wacky run-in with the law from Raw.
7:30 Dean Ambrose finishes the recap.
8:10 the promo is over. No run in, no jibber-jabber, nothing. Forty seconds of actual content is all they could drum up for the opening of Smackdown.
Oh, and if you were hoping there would be some sort of repercussions for Dean Ambrose commandeering a police van and beating guys up with stolen nightsticks on Raw, well, LOL. The rebellious Dean Ambrose is also best friends with the cops and they let him borrow the van, weapons and uniform, OK? Stop thinking so hard.
Worst: The Most Polite Lumberjack Match Ever
WWE seems to be intent on building up the tag-title match at Elimination Chamber via matches, where 3/4 of the guys in the Chamber match have to stand around looking like useless *ssholes. On Raw we had a 10-on-3 handicap match, and now on Smackdown we get Catsaro vs. Lucha Dragons with the rest of the tag-team division as lumberjacks.
Now, this may sound like a solid match-up on paper, but it didn’t really shape up to much. Lumberjack matches always suck, regardless of who’s in them, and Kalisto was badly off his game tonight. The first hurricanrana Kalisto hit looked like crap and things didn’t really improve from there (ironically Sin Cara actually looked better than usual). Also, the lumberjacks never did a goddamn thing. No beatdowns, no brawling, they just politely rolled the guys back into the ring whenever they fell out. Even the commentators were bewildered by the lack of drama, and killing the drama is pretty much why they exist.
WWE
Best: Aaaaaa-men
This little segment combined two of the most underrated things in current-day WWE – Seth Rollins being over the top offended by normal pro-wrestling situations, and Jamie Noble saying words.
Rollins can’t even believe that piece of human garbage Dean Ambrose got out of jail then attacked him with foreign objects! The temerity of that man! Then, for no particular reason, Jamie Noble pipes in with a story about his Aunt Baby, who talked to the ghost of Elvis and made a to-die-for apple-dumpling pie. If Aunt Baby doesn’t become the new Sister Abigail, this whole company can go to hell.
Worst: The Resurrection of Little Jimmy
Big news everybody! R-Truth referenced Little Jimmy during his pre-match promo! Well, OK, it’s only news by R-Truth segment standards, but I have to write something here other than “R-Truth had an R-Truth match.” Let’s see, what else can I talk about? How about Jojo’s less-than-impressed reaction to Truth’s “whoomp, there it is”?
WWE
Ouch. Soooo yeah, R-Truth had an R-Truth match and King Barrett lost again. Anything can happen in WWE.
WWE
Best: Gaining The Upper Hand
Lana and Renee Young have the exact same hair color and shade of spray tan. Some day Renee should come to work sporting a business suit and sock bun and see if anybody sends her out for a Rusev segment.
Renee asks Lana about what happened with Rusev on Raw, and WWE’s new top female babyface talks about how you shouldn’t show emotion lest you lose the upper hand. She then basically admits she has no feelings for Dolph Ziggler and is just using him in her game of emotional chess. Man, this breakup hasn’t been nearly as fun as I thought it would be. When is Lana going to burn her leftover Stars of the Russian Federation, get sloppy breakup drunk, then wake up next morning to discover she took the American Citizenship Test on a bet? Her heart is still Russian, but her passport now says American. Well, nothing to be done about it, off to the American flag bikini store.
Anyways, Rusev has finally caught on, and decided to use a little STRATEGY. He’s not jealous at all, no sir. He destroyed Dolph on Raw, so give him all your WRETCHED KISSES if you want, he’s still the better man. Lana, who was extolling the virtues of staying aloof, like, 90 seconds ago, is immediately shaken by Rusev’s obviously fake bravado. Cherish this small victory Rusev, because it’s going to be short-lived.
Worst: Poor, Poor Rusev
This was a rough watch. The first half of the match was exceptionally dull, with Rusev and Ryback trading the most half-hearted arm wringers and chinlocks possible. Then Rusev went over the top and landed awkwardly, suffering a “lower leg injury”. From my vantage point I’d say he broke his heel, which is painful as a motherf*ck.
Despite his injury, Rusev, stud that he is, keeps wrestling. Dude’s hitting suplexes that put weight on his foot, and he’s still moving around at a decent pace and making it work. Rusev’s gutting it the hell out, and I’m actually getting into the match, but then Ryback decides, “whatever, we’re still doing the powerslam reversal spot” and Rusev lands on the foot again, and that’s it. You can see it in Rusev’s face, he’s done. Everybody just stands around for a bit, not sure what to do, then Rusev half-heartedly shoves Ryback into the post for the DQ to end his misery. A bit of sad reality in the “never give up, always defy the odds” world of WWE. Here’s our final image of Rusev as we cut to the next segment…
WWE
Oh, you poor broken ogre.
Best: Making Up For Last Week
To the folks complaining that I didn’t do enough complaining last week, let me reiterate that Paige’s promo on the last Smackdown was really, really, really bad. I don’t know that her calling Tamina a man was necessarily transphobic, but it was mean-spirited and childish and stupid as hell. Thankfully, Paige had a much better outing this week.
In her pre-match inset promo, Paige stuck to the facts, saying she was owed a championship match, and she doesn’t appreciate Naomi jumping the line. That’s all we needed. It goes without saying at this point that Naomi’s inset promo was great. If you don’t agree, y’all can go on and get out of here.
The match itself was pretty solid too. Naomi taunting Paige early on was fun, and her stomping Paige’s hand and knee-dropping her arm was some good heel work. For her part, Paige showed some impressive strength by grabbing Naomi out of mid-air and transitioning to the RamPaige for the win. Good stuff. You’re almost forgiven for last week, Paige. Almost.
Best: A Unique Perspective
What the hell is Michael Cole doing out here? Him no longer caring enough to show up on Smackdown has been one of the show’s few saving graces lately. Kevin Owen’s promo started off a bit rough. He had to plug the WWE Network and chew through lines about John Cena having 57 terrible T-shirt designs and 1000 different ways to suck. This is Kevin Owens as scripted by WWE writers. Get used to it I guess. Cole was also being disrespectful as usual, rolling his eyes, interrupting Owens and just generally being a snide little sh*t. Cole should have been eating an apron powerbomb 30-seconds into this interview.
Thankfully things picked up in the closing stretch. Owens covered Cole’s mic and laid things out sweet and simple. If he’s willing to murder his best friend Sami Zayn to further his career, imagine what he’s going to do to a walking obstacle he has no personal connection to like John Cena? He then declared that the real champ is here, which was a good capper. Not as good as hitting Cole with a package piledriver, but I’ll take it.
Worst: A F*cking DQ? Really?
So, what did they do to make this Ambrose and Reigns vs. Kane and Rollins match feel worthwhile after doing the exact same thing on Raw? Absolutely nothing, that’s what! This match stuck as close to the basic tag-team playbook as possible. Most of the match was taken up by an overly long, overly boring heat segment on Dean Ambrose. Things did pick up a bit once Reigns was tagged in, as he and Rollins traded a few solid reversals. Reigns turning an attempted superkick into a roll-up, and then herking Rollings up for a powerbomb was a particularly nice little sequence. Eventually Reigns hit the Superman punch, which Rollins did an absolutely astounding sell for, and then…J&J Security ran in for the DQ.
WWE
Are you kidding me? You’re going to give us the exact same match you gave us on Monday, except with a worse finish? Whatever, let’s just go for maximum absurdity and keep doing this match with crappier finishes each time. We had a roll-up on Raw, and a DQ on Smackdown, so how about next week on Raw we have the match get thrown out when somebody kicks too much ass in the corner? On the Smackdown following that, have Jimmy Uso run in and get the pin when the ref mistakes him for Roman Reigns.
WWE
Best: The New Authoriday
After the match, Ambrose and Reigns take out The Authority, so who should Kane call out but THE NEW DAY. Listen, I know they had The New Day come out because The Authority were going to get the upper hand in the end, but they wanted somebody Reigns and Ambrose could LOOK STRONG against, but whatever, I’m taking this at face value. As far as I’m concerned, The Authority and The New Day have officially joined forces and I couldn’t be happier. This, my friends, is positively best for business.
Hey folks, before I go, just a note that there won’t be a Smackdown report next week, because I’m getting hitched and will be on my honeymoon. Don’t worry, if anything important goes down, I’ll address it the week after. What? It could happen.
Thank goodness the Attitude Era is over, or that headline may have gotten me fired. The good news is that I’m still employed. The better news is that the SPCA of Westchester, N.Y. worked with WWE to raise awareness about animal adoption by letting their talent run around and play with actual baby dogs.
Watch Lana get puppy cuddles! Watch Dean Ambrose try to pet three dogs at once and mumble incoherent baby talk (or an old CZW promo, not sure)! Watch as the SPCA staff tries to load Zack Ryder into the van so he can find his forever home! Okay, that last one maybe didn’t happen.
One day, Zack. One day.
WWE
Pre-show notes:
– Unbelievably, this is the go-home show for Money in the Bank. It’s been a month of “every day there’s a pay-per-view” jokes and it still doesn’t seem appropriate.
– With Spandex is on Twitter, so follow it. Follow us on Twitter and like us on Facebook. You can also follow me on Twitter.
– Share the column! Your shares, likes and other Internet Things are appreciated. I can swing 10,000 likes for a picture of The Undertaker in his jammies at the airport. Content aggregation is weird.
And now, the Best and Worst of WWE Raw for June 8, 2015.
Worst, Honestly: The Build For Owens/Cena II
Last week’s column featured a lengthy thing about how close the John Cena vs. Kevin Owens feud had come to creative honesty, and how it had totally chickened out.
Cena’s statement about how his marketable tenet (“never give up”) and the passion and emotions that made Kevin Owens claw his way up from the independents for a decade and explode NXT are one in the same is powerful. It connects characters. It connects generations. It says that if Cena is WWE’s big phony representation of garbage pandering, the message he panders is the one that breathes life into the wrestling business and creates superstars. The thing we hate and the thing we love are the same. That’s the story. Instead, it became “Kevin Owens beat me at Elimination Chamber but I’m great and he isn’t a real man.” Cena really emphasized the “real man” stuff. It was … disappointing, but not unexpected.
This week, they get into a non-threatening pissing contest about their abilities to offer open challenges, and it results in them just kinda standing in the ring shoulder-to-shoulder and not doing anything. The point seemed to be that Owens wanted to assert his dominance and show that his NXT Championship meant more than Cena’s US title, and, uh, he did that. He beat Cena clean at Elimination Chamber. The story continues for whatever reason, and there’s not really a new wrinkle to it. It’s just, “did you like that? Here’s more of it.” I guess my response is that yes, I like these people, and these people are good at doing things, so maybe let’s have the people do things?
Best: Neville Cares More About NXT Than WWE
As an idealist wrestling hipster who is super quick to take sides and appreciates Noble Dudes above every other character type, I loved (x 100) Neville pulling a Hideo Itami and saying he wants to fight Kevin Owens. It works because Owens is such an awful guy who deserves to get punched in the mouth, it works because Neville’s still fresh from NXT and that place (and that belt) mean the world to him, and it works because hey, Neville can’t beat Owens but had Cena dead to rights on Raw last month. Isn’t it crazy that we’ve created a WWE world where Kevin Owens is a bigger and more pertinent threat than John Cena?
Best: Owens Vs. Neville
The basic story with Neville’s Raw career is that the Red Arrow is the most obliterating finisher ever, so if he hits it, you’re toast. He’s not really effective outside of it. He can’t put you away with a bunch of different moves from his arsenal, it’s either that or nothing. It’s a lot like how they used to book Justin Gabriel, when he was an easily-dispatched Nexus crony who could also occasionally pin John Cena if he could connect with his big-time top rope finish. Gabriel never evolved beyond that, so once he stopped being able to hit his move, he was nobody. We’re still early enough in Neville’s run to believe he’ll be fine, and that the character depth will come.
Neville vs. Owens doesn’t allow itself a lot of complex storytelling, but it follows the observable trend: Neville repeatedly tries to set up for the Red Arrow, and Owens has to avoid it. He does, so he wins. It’s that simple. The stuff in-between is fun (and on this show, comparatively epic), but there’s not a lot to it.
Cena on commentary is interesting. If you listen to what he’s saying, he’s great. He’s calmly putting over the wrestlers in the ring and explaining why they’re worth giving a damn about, and he’s even successfully navigating the minefield of JBL Negro Leagues conversation. The funny thing is that he’s speaking in a really quiet, unassuming voice, which is guess is his “announcer” voice. It’s funny because Cena is NEVER EVER QUIET, especially when he’s communicating in-ring and calling spots so loud you could hear them from space. If I can hear you yell REACH TOWARD THE ROPES to a guy in the STF, I should be able to hear you say “Owens is a tough competitor” into a microphone without popping my ears.
Best: Y’all Be Good
So every time (every single time) there’s a multi-person match happening, Raw or Smackdown or both has a segment where a guy from the match comes to the ring and starts talking, only to be interrupted by a second guy from the match, and then a third, and on and on until everyone’s there. It’s one of their favorite gags. If they don’t do that, their only idea is “everybody runs out at once for no reason and punches stuff.”
Roman Reigns is in the Money in the Bank ladder match. He might have a chance of winning it, maybe probably! He’s interrupted by Dolph Ziggler and Kane and whoever else, but then R-Truth shows up and starts cutting HIS promo about how HE’S gonna kick everybody ass at Money in the Bank. Kane corrects him and tells him he’s not in the match. Truth is like, “you sure? OKAY BYE, BE GOOD” and bails. It made me laugh in real life, and is the first time in months (or possibly longer) that they’ve intentionally done something funny and had it work for me. Usually their idea of a joke is “your breath smells bad” or “you’re dressed like Sherlock Holmes.” This played on hacky WWE tropes and their tendency to randomly insert R-Truth into multi-person matches, and credit where credit’s due, it was goddamn delightful.
WWE loves trying to convince us that characters are “crazy,” but Truth’s the only one who’s made it seem legitimate. Craziness isn’t attacking people from behind and dressing up like a monster. Craziness is obliviousness. Craziness is losing a championship main-event because somebody threw soda in your face. Craziness is riding go-karts with an invisible little boy and not wanting to win a briefcase because you think it’s full of spiders. It’s rapping the same song for a decade as you smile and skip in a straight line.
Worst: Holy Christ Are We Seriously Doing Another Randy Orton Vs. Sheamus Match
Whenever Randy Orton vs. Sheamus happens, Raw should be required to stop the show, reset, and re-do the entire episode from the beginning.
You know it’s mad when this week’s most boring, tired match starts with a video package of highlights from last week’s most boring, tired match. Randy Orton and Sheamus are both talented performers when utilized to their strengths and worked into situations that ask them to be dynamic, but when they’re in the ring alone with each other they are the most Player One and Player Two motherf*ckers of all time. I’ve said it before, but watching them wrestle makes me stare at my TV like I’m trying to see a Magic Eye.
The fact that it ends with Orton nonchalantly throwing a chair at Sheamus’ stomach makes it feel even more futile. This was such a blatant time-killer it might as well have been a Tough Enough video package. It makes me feel like Shireen Baratheon, and Vince is just standing there stonefaced.
Best: THE SHIELD 2.0
Okay, back to the good stuff.
J&J Security have been disposable goons for Seth Rollins since their creation. They really only exist to take moves and provide distractions, and he’s already “broken up” with them and beaten them up. They’re still here, and the weird story of The Authority booking its own destruction and putting obstacles in their way by choice continues. They don’t have strong babyfaces making their lives miserable anymore because Cena’s preoccupied, Bryan’s injured and the Shield guys are dopes, so they have to make problems for themselves. Can’t you just be happy? You won. You own the company and everybody has to do what you say.
Anyway, J&J Security. They get into an argument with Seth backstage (again) and he decides to beat them up (again). My brain goes, “okay, he’s gonna have a match with them and Kane’s gonna be at ringside and Dean Ambrose will show up, and then The Authority will go HAHA WE SPEND THREE HOURS FILMING SKITS TO TRICK YOU and beat him up.” My brain isn’t always the most optimistic organ in my body. That was my appendix, I think, and it’s currently rotting in a landfill somewhere. I promise that’s not a metaphor for my wrestling fandom.
ANYWAY, J&J Security. Rollins makes them feel like garbage and threatens them, so they stand up to him … only this time they really stand up to him, tell him off and say they’re gonna kick his ass. It’s AWESOME. It starts with that same lovable Jamie Noble goober-speak and ends with Joey Mercury looking like a shoot bad-ass, and that’s pretty much the definition of what I want on Raw.
Worst: Is The Show Back On Yet
I know you expect a certain amount of reverence and understanding when you read these jokey, 8,000 word rants about Raw, but sometimes I have to be honest: I looked up at my screen during this, saw Dolph Ziggler and Kane in the ring and realized I’d completely spaced out and missed the entire setup. I had no idea wrestling was happening. That’s not a good sign, is it?
Worst: Lana, Wounded Baby Bird
Lana shows up and stands on the ramp for Ziggler/Kane, and folks on Omicron Persei 8 can see the match finish coming. Sure enough, Emo Rusev takes a break from listening to ‘Hands Down’ and sobbing to crutch out and threaten her. She steps off the ramp and twists her ankle, Ziggler gets distracted and Kane chokeslams him for the win. When it’s over, everybody kinds forgets what they’re doing and we hang out with Lana for a few minutes, watching her rock band and forth like Mankind until Ziggler curses too much and we go to commercial.
I hope the intent of this story is not HAHAH YOU BROKE MY HEART NOW I’VE CAUSED YOU TO HAVE A MINOR SHOE MISHAP. Although I’ll be honest, I’d love it if Rusev showed up on Smackdown all, “I know how much you loved those shoes! Now we’re even!” And then it’s just four straight minutes of ‘As Lovers Go.’
WWE
Best/Worst: Dean Ambrose
Dean Ambrose stealing the WWE World Heavyweight Championship and taking wacky photos around New Orleans for the corporate Instagram account is great if you love social media and don’t need your wrestling to involve people hitting each other. I’m kidding. It’s cute. Tumblr’s probably super excited about it.
The best part of the “Dean Ambrose is getting a ticket to Raw” gimmick is that he bought comp tickets from a scalper.
WWE
I’m surprised Dean didn’t barge into the Ticketmaster offices, toss somebody through a window and ride a bridge of tickets into the arena like Iceman.
Best: Hey, Summer Rae’s Back! Or,
Worst: Nobody’s The Face Ever
Anybody else miss Summer Rae on NXT? And by “Summer Rae on NXT” I mean “Summer Rae.”
She wrestles Nikki Bella, who follows the J&J Security trend of looking at the floor a little too much during promos. Did they start taping cue cards to the ground? She’s supposed to be addressing Paige’s Smackdown promo about how Twin Magic is garbage and the Divas division’s been stale forever, but instead just talks about Paige being insecure and jealous. Nobody’s likable, nobody’s paying attention to anybody else and the popular babyfaces are the worst cheaters. What are the Bella Twins, anyway? Calling them “tweeners” doesn’t seem to fit. They’re never in the in-between, they’re just hopscotching back and forth between beloved faces and conniving heels, sometimes in the middle of a match. Sometimes they coordinate their alignment, sometimes they don’t. Nikki only seems capable of seeing things through Nikki Bella’s eyes, even when fictional, written stories demand something else.
It’s not that argument of whether or not she’s “good” or if she has “a passion for This Business,” she’s just openly not participating in stories. She’s enslaved her twin sister, and they just forget about it and are friends. “She must be jealous” is the only thing she says when you pull her string. Cena wakes up and asks her if she wants cereal, she says the cereal must be jealous.
Worst: Goodbye Forever, One Notable Thing That Could’ve Happened
Miz TV is Raw’s walk of shame.
Miz cosplays Jared Leto and tries to interview Ryback, who has the TEMERITY to say MIZ is the one who always says the same thing. Yo Ryback, how many times have we heard about how you used to be hurt and now you aren’t and how you’re hungry? Instead of him becoming enraged and throwing a couch like we want, Big Show interrupts and a sassy conversation becomes THREE-WAY SASS. Miz gets dumped, Ryback gets the better of Big Show and … Shell Shocks him.
Now, I’m not involved on the business end of WWE, and although I’m totally it sometimes I don’t like being that guy who says “why didn’t you do business this way?” But seriously, if you’ve got a Big Show vs. Ryback Intercontinental Championship match on Sunday with almost no build and you want ANYBODY ANYWHERE to take something good away from it, isn’t it that Shell Shocked spot? It’s the only pop you’re getting, and you threw it away at the end of Miz TV in the middle of a bad Raw. Call me a know-it-all smark or whatever if you want, but unless Money in the Bank’s being booked by magical fairies, we ain’t getting shit from this now.
Best: Team Cree-P
Erick Rowan and Luke Harper are using the 3-D now, which is a great tag team finish for guys that big and strong. The Dudleys were tweeting about WWE not having balls almost immediately, and I guess we’re looking at a Discarded Wyatts vs. Bubba and D-Von match at SummerSlam, or one of the 16 pay-per-views between Money in the Bank and that.
That’s all well and good, but it continues one of WWE’s most unusual problems … the idea that young guys aren’t able to get over on their own, and that when they are, they are to be immediately torn back down. That sounds more severe than I mean it and it’s not always the case, but it happens more than it should. Remember when The Ascension showed up, were immediately buried on commentary by JBL and got beaten up by a ring full of old non-wrestlers? Remember how that payoff was them winning one match against the New Age Outlaws, nobody really selling it as important and then everyone forgetting it and moving on? Now The Ascension are Los Matadores in different clothes. Harper and Rowan aren’t getting The Ascension treatment, but what’s the point of having them do a move and immediately get called out on it? Shouldn’t we try to build some drama, and not just have social media be a checks and balances thing where everybody tattles and nothing happens but fussy typing?
Say Harper and Rowan wrestle the Dudleys at SummerSlam. Say they win. Even in victory, is the message that young guys can’t and aren’t allowed to try to do anything that worked before, because the guys who once did it are bitter gatekeepers? If John Cena keeps saying he’s waiting for a young guy to step up and beat his ass, then Kevin Owens steps up and beats his ass, why is Cena’s reaction negative? Shouldn’t it be the fulfillment of what he’s been asking for? If somebody does a 3-D, can we let them get two matches into doing it before the previous guys who did it are publicly complaining about their ballslessness? If you’re gonna make money, isn’t the money in the draw and the story? Don’t we want to create an in-universe narrative that compels people to watch the show and pay extra for the payoff, instead of some aimless complaining people scroll past?
That’s not to say you shouldn’t use social media to help the work, but when you’ve got the same guy instantly calling fans marks for being worked by his work. What the f*ck is the point of a work if you don’t want us to get worked? What are you accomplishing? Is it about BALLS HAVING? Because I bet it is.
Best: The New Day
Worst: … Are Not Enough To Make This Interesting
The rest of the show is a hodge-podge of “Money in the Bank participants having singles matches against one another” and filler, like this Big E vs. Titus O’Neil match that ends in (surprise surprise) a distraction. The New Day’s great, especially Xavier as the annoying hype man, and Titus has been better than ever in the ring lately, but it’s just … nothing. Nothing is happening. You’ve got Big E doing the New Day Rocks clap on O’Neil’s stomach while he’s got him in an abdominal stretch, and that’s shoot it.
Did I Stutter?
You’ve also got Kofi Kingston trying to have a competitive match with Roman Reigns, which would be great if Kofi hadn’t spent the last Entirety Of His Career being an easily-dispatched extra and we could believe some of the nearfalls. Just like the Big E/Titus match, I appreciate the work the guys are putting in, but they’re just not given anything. There’s no context to make this important because we’re just zipping in and out of Live Special builds and kinda swirling everything in a circle. I want to care. I desperately want to care, but the announce team sounds like buzzing and the screen looks like dim flashbulbs and I feel like I’m gonna pass out.
The good news is that WWE summers can be fresh, and no matter how obvious the result, the Money in the Bank ladder match gives us the ever-present “when’s Roman gonna cash in the Money in the Bank briefcase” conversation. That’s something. Brock will be back to be Brock and that’ll be fun, and we can head into SummerSlam with some optimism and maybe not get Bragging Rights and Fully Loaded and In Your House: Beware Of Dog crammed into the downtime. Let us breathe, man. Let some of this sink in and matter so we can relax and ask, “what’s next?” Because right now there’s no anticipation, there’s just the numb-ass feeling that you’re gonna shovel more dirt on the pile.
Best: J&J Security Is Legitimately The Best Tag Team In WWE
Instead of The Authority swerve, our main event gives us the Raw match perfected: The Authority booking a handicap match against itself, and it ending with a distraction rollup. The snake is eating itself.
The good news is that Joey Mercury and Jamie Noble are an incredible tag team, and that Jamie Noble hot tags are happening in Raw main events in 2015. They’re great because they’ve been allowed to develop characters and be around important situations without being the constant focus of them. It’s why Roman works so much better as Dean’s friend than as Dean’s superior. WWE booking right now is like trying to see at night. If you look directly at something, your eyes can’t take in the light and focus. You have to look at whatever you want to see in your peripherals. If you have Roman win the Royal Rumble and have the Rock raise his hand, he’s getting booed. If you have him be 1/3 of a cool thing and don’t spend the entirety of that thing saying ROMAN’S GREAT, it’s easier for us to see the reasons we would choose to like him.
Guys like Noble and Mercury work for me because they don’t feel like a fandom burden. They’re just fun wrestlers guys with distinct personalities who are good at what they do, and don’t always have to win or stand tall or whatever. Rollins is struggling right now because he looks like a geek that can’t get the job done, and we can’t even build a desire to see him get his comeuppance because he gets it every week. It’s stressful because we know they could do better, and we want better than we’re given. When Noble hits the ring and drops a guy with a spinning neckbreaker, though? All in.
Let’s say f*ck it and give Mercury the Money in the Bank.
Actually, uh, maybe keep him away from ladders.
Best: Top 10 Comments Of The Night
Mr. Royal Rumble, TheCensoredMSol
I feel lIke John Cena walking into a writer’s meeting and going “I accept” is how the last 10 years or so have gone.
LUNI_TUNZ
Kevin Owens: “We’re going to fight Sunday, so we’re not going to give the same match away free on Raw”
Crowd: BOOOOOOOOO!
This is why every match happens in a Best of 4,000 series.
The Real Birdman
They should start an IC open challenge and just have Ryback stand in the ring awkwardly for 3 hours
kungfuchemist
The way that camera zoomed in on Neville it looks like we are going inside his concussed brain to see Chrisley
threeve
Cena needs this match to finish so he can go start his shift as a late night Jazz Radio DJ.
PT
This is the kind of RAW that says, “Yes, workplace…I WILL work on Monday nights.”
Spitty
Dolph: *wipes away tears*
Lana: “Don’t cry, it’s nothing really”
Dolph: “Its not that, its just you, you sold a two foot fall like you had been shot, I’m so proud”
Sage
Owens was right. “We’re fighting Sunday. There’s no reason for us to fight now.” Someone write that down in large, neon marker and plaster it above the computer of every WWE writer’s computer, office door, and bathroom mirrors.
Kevin Nash Booked This
Dean Ambrose so wack, much wacky, wack guy.
Aerial Jesus
*shudders*
What’s happening on Nitro?
Thanks, everybody. See you every day ever!
WWE
Banking on a new sensation.
Pre-show Notes:
– The SmackDown report is back, so why welcome it back with some nice, friendly shares? Here’s the buttons…
– Join the cool kids’ wrestling club by following With Spandex on Twitter and Facebook. Follow yours truly on Twitter too!
Hit the next page to continue smacking down…
On Last Week’s Exciting Episode of WWE SmackDown!
Hey, folks. I’m back from my honeymoon! I’m like, a legit adult now, and the tropical sun has given me this weird pigment stuff in my skin. It’s crazy, but I think I like it. Anyways, last week, Rollins pushed the SmackDown Special to a new level, by literally recapping the entire last year-and-a-half of storylines for no reason.
Titus and Darren Young became the #1 contenders to the tag team titles, when Titus destroyed the Ascension, because FATHERHOOD MAKES YOU STRONG.
The Bellas are selfish plastic heels again (as opposed to selfish plastic faces) and Paige tried her damnedest to squeeze into the Daisy Dukes and cut an AJ Lee promo.
Roman Reigns looked strong. I think that’s all you desperately need to know. On with this week’s show.
Best: It Still Feels Like It’s Tuesday To Me
The opening to this week’s SmackDown was as formulaic as they come. Dean Ambrose comes out and cuts a SmackDown special, recapping the events from Raw, Seth Rollins comes out and shouts loud, angry words, then Kane wanders out to make a tag match or something. I still found myself enjoying the segment though, since it seems like they may finally be loosening Ambrose’s leash and letting him cut his own promos.
When left to his own devices on, say, an unsuspecting local news morning show, Ambrose is legitimately hilarious and unpredictable, and there was some of that spirit in this opening promo. Him running down all the guys in his New Orleans Twitter pics, admitting his clearly-marked “COMP” ticket wasn’t real, his clever “It still feels like Tuesday” bit. This was a guy having fun, and that’s what makes the difference; 99 percent of pro wrestling is formula. Most of those old ’80s and ’90s promos we loved could just be boiled down to “I’m mad at you, I’m better than you and I’m going to beat you up!” The delivery and personality is what made them. Let guys like Dean Ambrose distract us from the formula, WWE.
Best: My Favorite Jobber
I love watching The Miz lose. Nobody in WWE is better at it. He may never get within a 100 miles of the WWE Championship again, but the fact that he held it once still gives him that little bit of credibility. He’s not going to beat Ryback, but he could. Miz is also great at getting in just enough offense to make it look like a fight, while still making his opponent look great. Miz desperately pulling Ryback into the announce table, the out-of-nowhere Skull-Crushing Finale, the ridiculous hubris of trying to go for his own Meathook clothesline. Losing is an art, and Miz is a master at it.
After the match, ain’t give a damn, dickhead Big Show comes out, which is one of the best brands of Big Show. He claims he’s hard to impress because he’s always been a giant and has had a license to do what he wants from day one. Are you a biologist? No? Then you’re in no position to question. Big Show was BIG DOG in that hospital nursery. Ryback responds by shouting some slogans, and you know what? On paper this is the least exciting feud in the world, but this was just dumb enough to work for me. Don’t sing it, bring it, baby.
Best: APA In Tha House
King Barrett faced off against a shockingly still employed Jack Swagger, but the real story was of course R-Truth on commentary. Dude’s back on a full-on roll, and him confusing all the white guys on the commentary team for JBL and being confused about whether being on Money in the Bank meant being in the Money in the Bank match was funny stuff. This is actually smart comedy, not just random wackiness. There’s something ticking behind those crazy eyes.
As for the match itself, Barrett actually won! Despite a lengthy and elaborate distraction by R-Truth. I felt like I wanted give Barrett a reassuring hug. Your first step in your battle against distraction losses starts here buddy. Just don’t fall off the wagon.
Best: It’s Over
This segment actually first showed up on YouTube, but I felt I had to Best it because it was so damn good. Who knew Rusev had this in him? Anybody? This is a guy who started his career communicating via magic marker on wooden boards, and now the dude’s ready for a Cameron Crowe movie. I’m guessing Lana introduced Rusev to some of her acting coaches, so take note rest of the locker room, literally anybody can do real acting if they try.
Michael Cole is talking to Lana about her relationship with Dolph, and it seems like she may be legitimately falling for him, although she acknowledges his reputation. Depression beard Rusev storms the set on crutches and is, “Dolph’s been with all these other girls, I’ve always been with you. I’ve never needed anybody else.” Damn. That might be the realest line I’ve ever seen on WWE TV. Rusev is the classic guy, grasping onto the things he did right, while trying to ignore the ways he’s ruining the relationship. Also, how refreshing is it to have a guy called on his “reputation” on WWE TV for once?
I’m not sure where this is going, as Rusev’s ankle is busted and he’s not getting back in the ring for a while, but whatever, let’s make this a journey. I’m with you depression beard Rusev.
Best: A Good Ol’ Fashioned Pro Wrestling Match
Seth Rollins vs. Dolph Ziggler was just a nice, solid, fast-paced, hotly contested pro wrestling match. There weren’t any crazy spots, and didn’t break any new ground, it was just good and entertaining throughout. Dolph saw Rollins lose to his own security guys on Raw and knew he was at his most vulnerable, and Seth had extra pressure on him to pull off a win, and it felt like both guys were fighting for every inch. Every second of this match felt like a real contest.
As the match wore on, both guys broke from their formula a little bit, with Seth Rollins pulling out an electric chair and Dolph bringing some harder hitting than usual offense. Towards the end, we got some very nice, crisp reversal segments, and then Rollins won with a roll-up, which I’m fine with. Within the right context a roll-up can be the perfect finish, and this was one of those times. A good match that made both guys look better; you can’t ask for more than that.
Best: Celine Dion vs. Marilyn Manson
I wasn’t particularly looking forward to Paige vs. a tired-looking, once again heel Alicia Fox, but this actually turned into an entertaining little scrap of a match. Both girls put each other in some nice, mildly innovative holds, adding little extra knees and strikes to up the intensity a bit. Paige even slapped Alicia into an STF at one point. Thank goodness John Cena almost certainly doesn’t watch SmackDown.
Things got even better as the match went along, with Alicia hitting a nasty kick, clothesline combo and Paige nailing a freakin’ flipping senton off the apron. You could argue the finish was a little wonky, with Paige falling on her butt during the PTO, but it actually sort of worked for me. There’s no particular reason Paige’s opponent needs to be elevated for the move to hurt. The fact that Paige just continued to hold onto the PTO after she fell showed some good instincts. There’s been a lot of good, basic, energetic pro wrestling on this show, and this match definitely continued that theme.
Best: Prime Time Players Give Renee The Clap
WWE needs to lay off the “Darren’s GAY” wink-wink, nudge-nudge jokes in these segments, but I’m not about to Worst Titus and Darren dragging Renee into a Prime Time Players-themed version of The New Day’s clapping. That’s everything I love wrapped up into one beautiful package. A hamburger, taco and ice cream sandwich, except not disgusting.
WWE
Best: Money In The Bank Six-Man
Unsurprisingly, this WWE six-man main event was a lot of fun. They didn’t get a huge amount of time, so the pace never really slowed, and everybody had their proverbial working boots on. Neville in particular was rocketing around a pace I haven’t seen from him in a while. As a major bonus, the rest of The New Day were at ringside, and they weren’t just cheering on Kofi, but everybody on their team. Xavier Woods shouting “Do better, Sheamus!” was fantastic. I can’t count the number of times I’ve yelled that at my own TV or computer.
Roman eventually got the hot tag and was clearly having the time of his life being back in his six-man element murdering Kofi Kingston. Of course, things eventually broke down into a parade of finishers, but just as Kofi was about to eat a pin, The New Day ran in for the DQ. So, that was a bit disappointing, but everything that led up to the finish was fun enough that I’m willing to let it slide, and the show definitely redeemed itself before it went off the air.
Best: Roman Not Looking Strong
Hmmm, the main-event is over, we still have a few minutes to go, and Roman Reigns is being beat down in the ring. Well, we know where this is going. Fist cocks, hooo-ahs, ect. Or failing that, everybody will team up to put Roman down, and the camera will peer into his hurt, soulful eyes in our final shot. Either way, he’s the one and only guy who matters.
Mind-blowingly, that didn’t happen. The New Day hit their double-team finisher on Roman, and that was it. He was a non-factor for the rest of the show. Instead, it looked like The New Day were going to be the focus of the go-home show, but then Dolph Ziggler reappeared with a ladder of his own. A brawl broke out on the floor, and Neville used the distraction to get in position and hit a huge splash from the top of a ladder in the ring onto everybody outside. It wasn’t quite a Red Arrow off a ladder (saving that for the PPV I suspect) but it was a pretty spectacular dive nonetheless. After wiping everybody out, Neville climbs the ladder and poses with the Money in the Bank briefcase, and I’m filled with a feeling of well-being. Minor tweaks to the formula. Sometimes changing which guys are stuck in which slots. This is all I ask.
I don’t know if I’m still high and giggly on Puerto Rican sun or what, but for the first time ever we have an all-Bests edition of SmackDown! This is an easily repeatable thing, WWE. Good matches and allowing your employees to perform to the best of their abilities. That’s all you have to do. It’s good to be back.
FX
Lana Kane is so much more than Sterling Archer’s on-again/off-again lover. She’s one of the top field agents in the International Secret Intelligence Service, and someone that is known equally for her brash and cutting wit, her cunning in the field, and her incredibly strong hands. And because of all of that, and the use of the Aisha Tyler voiced character to deliver some of Archer‘s best lines, we wanted to celebrate Lana’s most quotable moments.
“I am literally wet with jealousy.”
When Lana and Cheryl discuss their reasons for why they work at ISIS, Cheryl laments she has to split a billion dollar inheritance with her brother, Cyril. Lana replies as expected.
“Anxious? About a half-drunk first timer driving a submarine idiot taking me to the bottom of the ocean to face 40 eco-terrorists led by a crazy person who’s about to bomb the east coast with nerve gas?”
As a less-than-sober Sterling (as if there’s any other) pilots a submarine taking them to an underwater sea lab, Lana isn’t vague about her concerns.
“Uhhh, with your looks, maybe bitchy is not the way to go.”
Trish is a character voiced by Brett Butler who seems as though she’s only there to be ridiculed by the main characters. Lana is no exception, though there’s some hint of advice hidden deep within her scorn.
“Have you ever heard a country song?”
Sterling’s complete ignorance of country music, like most of his characteristics, is a thorn in Lana’s side. Trying to call him out on it only ends up frustrating her further.
“Your words made sense. Your sarcastic tone did not.”
With a Cuban hit squad out to kill Sterling — who’s already tense when he finds out his childhood hero, Burt Reynolds, is dating his mother — he surprisingly scoffs at Lana’s suggestion that they wait it out in the safe house. She handles it with her usual gusto.
“Shut your d*ckholes, get your gear, shut up again, and start walking.”
Finding themselves in the jungles of Columbia outside the hideout of El Contador, Lana doesn’t shy away from taking charge of the situation after Sterling and Cyril start bickering back and forth almost immediately.
“Animal Farm is a BOOK!”
Arguing the subtext of one of George Orwell’s best-known works while in space, Sterling seems to be perpetually unable to grasp the context of the conversation. Lana does her best to clarify it, but his response, as usual, pisses her off even more.
“I don’t need a baby to validate my existence.”
After Sterling’s favorite call girl, Trinette, shows up with a baby, a paternity test is in short order. Lana, meanwhile, staunchly declares her independence.
“My vulva is smoother than a veal cutlet!”
While a bomb scare threatens the maiden voyage of the luxury vessel Excelsior, Sterling takes aim at Lana, who proudly defends her honor and the spectacularness of her business.
Yup!
Finally, the moment you all came here for.
WWE
Two men who only care about their kid(d)s.
Pre-show Notes:
– Hey, folks. Do you love my SmackDown review stuff? Then why not help out and give it a share! Here’s the buttons…
– Join the cool kids’ wrestling club by following With Spandex on Twitter and Facebook. Follow yours truly on Twitter, too!
Hit the next page to continue smacking down…
WWE
Worst: A Sheamus Who Matters
So, Sheamus came out to talk at the top of SmackDown, which isn’t a development I’m particularly happy about. I was actually kind of digging sullen prick Sheamus who’s lashing out because being forgotten in the midcard hurt his precious little feelings. I’m definitely not into boasting, main-event Sheamus. I don’t care that he’s supposed to be unlikable, just get him off my screen.
Sheamus acknowledged the You Look Stupid chants, which a genuine bully would never do, then he called the fans pea-brains and other choice second grade insults. It was all very by the book and basically indistinguishable from his old annoying face promos. Eventually, Dean Ambrose came out and was all, “Eh, I guess I should fight you, Sheamus.” Then, Kane showed up and was, “Eh, I guess I should team up with you Sheamus,” and then a handicap match happened.
Worst: Well, Duh
So, Ambrose is being ganged up on by two mean ol’ bullies. I wonder where this could be going? They may as well have just kept the camera trained on the arena steps the entire match.
Sure enough, here’s Roman Reigns, who runs in for the DQ after 90 seconds of sizzling action. Hmm, there’s now four FIRED UP guys in the ring and an authority figure on hand. I wonder where this could be going?
Worst: An Alicia Fox Turn?!
Another Paige vs. Brie Bella match? Did I really give this show all-Bests last week? What happened to the guy who wrote that one? Did Vince just forget his weekly soul draining?
Anyways, yeah, like I’ve said, Paige vs. The Bellas is the new Dolph Ziggler vs. Kofi Kingston. Particularly if it’s Brie Bella. Nikki wasn’t out there because, as the commentators explained, the Bellas wanted to give Paige a fair chance. Yup, that adds up. A completely clean pro wrestling bout, that’s what I’m expecting.
Paige and Brie did their stuff. Paige screamed “this is my house” at least every 30 seconds and hit some kicks. Brie pulled off a decent top rope, sunset flip powerbomb, so at least that’s something. After a few minutes of bland, Alicia Fox pushed Paige off the top rope and Brie got the win. Alicia Fox. They decided Twin Magic was too overdone, so they decided to end the match via Alicia Fox alignment turn. What are the chances Alicia shows up on Paige’s team in a random six-woman on Raw?
WWE
Best: Hands On Kevin Owens
I know this point has kind of been beaten to death lately, but Kevin Owens is such a glorious piece of shit. Not because he’s an over-the-top villain, but because his dickishness is so recognizable. He’s every cranky, 30-something white guy on the planet. Him avoiding Renee’s question in favor of passive-aggressively needling her about liking Machine Gun Kelly is basically the exact thing I’d do if I was in an asshole mood. I’ll admit it. Also, big ups to Renee for not even pretending she thinks MGK is cool. Look at that face. That’s been my reaction to basically all popular music for the last five to 10 years.
Then, Cesaro shows up, and he and Owens have a brief, yet great little verbal showdown. Man, poor Cesaro. Imagine if he’d held out on signing a WWE contract for just a couple more years. He’d be the ringer being brought in to NXT with breathless hype and ballyhoo then beating John Cena as proud daddy Triple H looks on. Can we just send Cesaro back to CZW for a couple months and start over?
Best: Kisses! Right In The Mouth!
Any time Bo Dallas is rescued from the proverbial Dark Match Dungeon is pretty much a guaranteed Best. On SmackDown, he was there to be Rusev’s wingman, chastising Lana for leaving him and rightfully pointing out that Dolph is, like, the worst rebound choice ever. He even managed to slip in a “swipe left” joke, which is kind of edgy by WWE standards. I guess? Shockingly, Jerry Lawler didn’t pile on the joke, so maybe he isn’t on Tinder? We can only pray, but he was probably too busy swiping to make a joke about swiping.
The match was nothing special. Bo’s strikes were good, and he hit a nice clothesline, but it was over too quickly. The best part of the segment was Rusev’s hilarious impotent rage backstage when Dolph went for the grandma kiss on Lana. Bulgarian words! Kissing! Right in the mouth! Stupid! I hear you, man. I hear you.
Best: The New Day Existing
This is about as close as I’m going to get to giving The New Day a worst. They just didn’t get to do anything here. They skipped their entrance and didn’t let them talk, then they put Xavier in the ring, who’s great on the mic, but the least interesting guy in the ring. Also, I hate to say it, but I’m already starting to feel faint signs of Neville fatigue, so this segment was pretty flat.
That said, there were still reasons to like this segment. Xavier deciding to hit 30 stomps in a row for no reason, none of which had any effect. Big E preaching the gospel at ringside. Kofi Kingston being hurled into the barrier by Titus O’Neil like a bag of leaves. Darren Young wiping Big E out with a surprisingly great forearm. This segment’s pleasures were minor, but they were enough.
Worst: Proving Yourself
I am so done with “proving yourself” storylines. The future, the face of the company, I don’t care about any of it. I never want to hear that somebody has to beat X in an X to earn their brass ring ever again. No wonder CM Punk quit. I’m being driven crazy by just a few hours per week of this nonsense.
So, Seth Rollins, who won the WWE World Heavyweight Championship in the main-event of WrestleMania and has defeated all viable challengers, still needs to prove himself against Brock Lesnar. And Seth is okay with that! He sees that he has to beat Brock Lesnar at Battleground to cement his legacy. YOU ALREADY BEAT HIM. You beat him AT WRESTLEMANIA. That’s the reason you have that title on your shoulder. It’s not like Rollins will beat Brock man-to-man. If he wins, it’ll be another sneaky victory like at ‘Mania, so he literally has nothing new to prove.
It wouldn’t be so bad if it wasn’t painted as such a black-and-white thing. That if you don’t clear this latest impossible hoop, a trap door will open beneath you, and you’ll be nothing again. I know that’s how WWE actually works, but it’s incredibly frustrating as a viewer. I realize WWE is trying to add extra gravity to their main-events, but in some cases, less gravity is actually better. Sometimes, guys just fighting for personal pride and gaudy belts is enough without the brass rings.
Best: Kevin Owens vs. Cesaro
Unsurprisingly, this match kicked a fairly serious amount of ass. Cesaro’s obviously been hitting the gym extra hard since finding himself on a bit of a hiatus due to Tyson Kidd’s injury. Dude was more of a monster than ever, hitting crazy dives, dropkicking Kevin Owens in the face while he was sitting on the top rope, and nailing maybe the best spinning M. Bison uppercut of his WWE career. Top five at least.
Kevin Owens was impressive, too, if a bit more low key. He hit a really nice tornado DDT, but the guy’s real strength may be his selling. Owens doesn’t just talk like a regular guy, he sells like one, too. No over the top dramatics. Kevin Owens sells like he’s exhausted and angry, and a little bit afraid to take that next shot. As soon as his opponent takes over, Owens goes from confident to “Oh no, how did this all go wrong?”
Unfortunately, Cesaro doesn’t particularly matter right now, so this wasn’t as good as it could have been. No finisher kick-outs, no truly crazy spots. Just around seven minutes of action, leading to a pop-up powerbomb and the pin. But it was as good as it possibly could have been given the box they had to work in.
WWE
Best: Miz At The Movies
Miz came back from his latest movie-related hiatus looking douchier than ever, but, sadly, he hasn’t really been given anything to do. Maybe Miz at the Movies, a cheesy backstage segment in which critiques garbage WWE movies, will be the next thing he transforms into the secret best thing in WWE. Hey, if he can do it for Damien Sandow, the saddest, palest, least motivated man in WWE, he can do it for anything.
We got off to a good start here, with Miz grumbling about The Rock being in every damn thing (with you on that one), spreading scuttlebutt about Big Show being a pain to work with and almost giving himself an aneurysm screaming about how he’s WWE’s true A-lister. He even managed to put over the dumb WWE movie he was there to promote. Take note, Michael Cole! Bring Bull Dempsey in as the Ebert to Miz’s Siskel, and we’ll really have something.
Worst: SmackDown Main-Event Tag Matches, Now With More Sheamus!
Welp, this was a match. It was three men we’ve seen wrestle innumerable times over the past year, with the addition of Sheamus, who isn’t exactly the guy you call on to freshen things up in 2015. At least Ambrose is still working a bit harder than usual after his brief main-event run, so the heat segment on him was solid. Unfortunately, Reigns didn’t bring much excitement during the hot tag, remotely going through his moves. Turns out, there was a reason didn’t seem particularly thrilled to be in this segment.
WWE
Worst: Chilling YouTube Screencaps
Reigns was just about to win the match in a strong manner, when Bray popped up the big screen singing “I’m a Little Teapot” (oh great, another Bray Wyatt sing-a-long song) while looking at a picture of Roman’s daughter. Roman was so appalled by this, his brain imploded, he crumpled to the mat, and was pinned. I guess Sheamus might have kicked him, but another human being looking at his daughter was the real blow.
Roman, buddy, take a breath. Bray took a screencap of your tea party video and printed it out on a laser printer. Yes, he actually cropped the picture and added some faux burn marks for SmackDown, but don’t be fooled. Bray’s no more menacing than the teenager running the copy center in Staples, and, not to point fingers, but you’re the one who put your daughter’s image out there to begin with, so, y’know, it’s fair use. You legally have to chill about this. If Bray ever gets a “photo” of your daughter without the YouTube controls along the bottom, that’s when you can start worrying.
WWE
*Clapclapclap*. No, wait. *Clapclap*…*clap*. No, no, I can get this.
Pre-show Notes:
– Feeling down? If clapping doesn’t work, try sharing the Smackdown report! It’ll help! Probably. Here’s the buttons…
– Join the cool kids’ wrestling club by following With Spandex on Twitter and Facebook. Follow yours truly on Twitter too!
Hit the next page to continue smacking down…
WWE
Worst: Dedicated To The Courageous Jamie Noble
Hey, everybody. The band is back together! The Authority is united again, so that means the last couple months of Seth Rollins/Kane sniping and Authority dissension meant nothing. I mean, I think we all kind of knew that, and they needed to give Rollins some backup for anyone to buy him against Brock Lesnar, but Rollins and the Authority walking out to kick off SmackDown again immediately let all the air out of my sails.
We then got five minutes of Rollins lavishing praise on his Authority brethren. It was nice that Rollins gave a shout out to courageous warrior Jamie Noble, but I’m done watching Rollins and pals wank around. Yes, at one time I might have considered their self-congratulatory ass-patting sessions some decent heel work, but the point’s been made. I have better things to do with my life than listen to Seth Rollins say nothing for 10 minutes.
WWE
Worst: Stone Cold Steve Ryback
Then Ryback came out. Hoo boy. Ryback as a rebellious foil for the Authority will not go well. Ryback is best when he’s his own entity set apart from everybody else. A guy who shows up, marches around with dudes on his shoulders and doesn’t get involved in larger storylines. Ryback vs. Seth Rollins in a verbal showdown doesn’t feel fair. He’s like the local crazy cat lady who’s running for city councilor. He doesn’t belong at the debates, but he’s there all the same, shouting things that don’t make sense and making everybody feel kind of sad and embarrassed.
So, Ryback goes on a rant about the difference between a champion and a sell-out, even though those aren’t mutually exclusive things. He throws shade at Dean Ambrose not having the grip strength to hold onto the title. He calls Rollins a gutless child while bellowing in his airbrushed pajamas. I dunno, it was probably above average by Ryback standards, but that’s no great compliment. After that fiery-ish promo, Kane announces he’ll be wrestling Ryback later (euuuurgh). Then, as the Authority is strolling up the ramp, Rollins tosses out that he’s going to wrestle Dean Ambrose. Was he supposed to announce that in the ring? I wouldn’t blame Rollins if he zoned out and forgot.
WWE
Worst: It’s a Superkick Party, Uce!
Probably the most notable thing about this episode of SmackDown was that Jimmy Uso filled in all show long for Byron Saxton. He was okay. My vision for his future as a commentator is Uso hazy.
I don’t want to judge him too harshly on his first night out, but he doesn’t have the cadence down yet. He mumbled, spoke too fast and was hard to understand. Also, I don’t get the “Uce” thing. Jimmy Uso calls everybody Uce, but then everybody also calls him Uce. It’s confusing. He did slip in multiple Superkick Party references, so the Young Bucks should be pleased with his performance, but I’m missing Byron already.
Worst: Hair Pawing
Just when you thought Dolph and Lana’s “relationship” couldn’t get any more bleh, here’s Dolph limply scrounging around in Lana’s bun for a bobby pin for 30-seconds. Lana finally lets her hair down, and I don’t even care because it happened within the Dolph/Lana no-chemistry bubble.
Speaking of bleh, Dolph Ziggler and Sheamus had a match. Okay, it was fine, but I feel like this match has been on every show for the past two months. Halfway through the bout, Rusev comes out to harass Lana again, and you know what? Enough already. Yes, Rusev has been surprisingly effective as the broken man, but this is seriously hurting his character at this point. WWE needs to just take him off TV and bring him back fresh in a few months. Give Lana a chance to develop a character aside from “woman who is no longer Rusev’s girlfriend.”
Surprisingly, Rusev showing up didn’t immediately lead to a distraction finish, but the rest of the match was nothing special. Everything was kind of slow and sloppy, which Dolph badly screwing up his top rope X-factor at one point. Eventually, Sheamus brogue kicked Ziggler off the top for the win. Eh.
WWE
Worst: Do You Have A Follow-Up Line?
Okay, Lana doesn’t deserve Rusev. We get it, Summer. Do you have anything else to tell him? Are you waiting for him to ask you out? Rusev’s just barely past communicating via wooden boards; you may have to take the lead with this guy.
Worst: Naomi And Alicia Fox Forget How To Wrestle
Holy crap, what the hell happened here? In terms of sheer quantity of f*ck-ups, this was one of the worst matches I’ve seen in a good long while. I think I need to do a straight-up, old-school recap for this match.
Alicia Fox “hits” a terrible, one-legged dropkick. Naomi follows up with a kick, bad hurricanrana and wonky-looking bodyslam. Fox almost screws up a tilt-a-whirl backbreaker, and both girls get all tangled as they fall to the outside. Naomi tries to throw Alicia into the ring, but Alicia gets caught up in the ropes. Fox hits a move that makes no sense for the win. Nearly everything about this match looked bad.
As an aside, is Naomi eating Pop Rocks to color-coordinate her tongue with her gear? I’m going to assume her tongue usually isn’t bright green.
WWE
If she is, forget everything I just said, all the Bests for Naomi.
WWE
Best: Black Guys Clap Like This, But, Like, White Guys Clap Like This
Finally, a ray of sunshine breaks though the gray fog of this boring ass SmackDown! The New Day are giving Mojo Jo Jo a SERMON OF STRENGTH when the Prime Time Players show up to taunt them. This almost causes the New Day to give in to their worst negative instincts (“Titus looks like Donkey from Shrek!”) but then, just in the nick of time, Bo Dallas arrives to save the day!
Teaming Bo with the New Day is the most obvious thing in the world because they basically have the same gimmick, but WWE sometimes (usually) misses the obvious thing. Bo forecasted a 100 percent chance of victory, and yes, when he went to clap along with New Day, he couldn’t keep time because he’s white and has no rhythm.
Hey, sometimes the low-hanging fruit has the most juice.
Worst: Feed Me Bore
I wonder, is there anything that could possibly make Ryback vs. Kane any more boring? Hmmm, maybe the addition of the Big Show? Welp, here he is to attack Ryback before the match!
Big Show beats on Ryback forever with the slowest, weakest-looking stomps possible, then throws Ryback into the ring, because yes, apparently Ryback vs. Kane still has to happen. So, we get a few minutes of plodding Kane/Ryback “action,” which ends in DQ when Big Show runs in. Auuuugh. This of course leads to both Kane and Big Show beating on Ryback. Make… it… stop. This was, without hyperbole, the most boring 10 minutes in the history of the goddamn universe.
Best: All The Fun Guys In One Match
Maybe it’s because I’d just suffered through Ryback vs. Kane, but I had a hell of a lot of fun with this match. Basically, it was seven of the most entertaining guys on the roster (and Sin Cara) getting seven minutes to just mess around. That’s usually a recipe for success.
Kofi slapping Titus in the head only to be annihilated with chops in return. Bo and The New Day recharging their energy bars mid-match with a vigorous clapping session. The New Day and Bo rotating in for stomps on Sin Cara. Kalisto generally being awesome during the hot tag and finishing moments of the match. Titus, Darren and the Lucha Dragons dancing in victory just made me feel happy. I hear tell that’s what supposed to happen when the good guys win. Felt nice for a change.
Worst: Roman Reigns Has Given Up
Well, it looks like Roman Reigns has finally reached the acceptance stage in his mourning for his dearly departed career. Dean Ambrose is all fired up about his old nemesis Bray Wyatt going after his friend, but Roman is all, “Eh, whatever. Don’t hurt him or anything.”
Roman then finds a laser copy printout of his WWE.com promo pic in his locker, and with a heavy sign of resignation, decides he has to beat up Bray after all. While on his pointless quest, Roman speaks crossly to a WWE backstage employee, and Kane immediately shows up and bans him from the building for mild rudeness. Fist-cocking badass Roman Reigns responds by shrugging and stomping out the nearest exit. Spoiler warning: Roman doesn’t come back before the end of the show. I’m not sure he ever will.
Worst: Sigh. The Numbers Game.
This match kicked off with an extended series of arm-wringers. That’s usually not a good sign. Lazy Dean Ambrose was back in force, and Rollins was in no mood to elevate things, so this was 10 minutes of dirt-basic WWE action. Also, can we stop having every Dean Ambrose match revolve around somebody targeting his leg? Half of Dean’s offense involves him climbing to the top rope or jumping on somebody, so he’s forced to constantly ignore his “injury.” I mean, Ambrose could change up his offense when he’s selling his leg, but that would require, like, effort and stuff, so it’s probably best if he doesn’t sell at all.
Anyways, Ambrose falls victim to THE DAMNED NUMBERS GAME, eats a Pedigree and gets pinned. Yup, no Roman to even the odds. Sometimes, it feels like I put more effort into recapping these shows than anybody puts into making them.
WWE
Pre-show notes:
– As a reminder you’re probably already tired of being reminded about, Meet Me There, the movie I wrote starring Goldust and a bunch of independent wrestling notables, is available for purchase in actual retailers. If you pick up a copy, tweet at me about it and I’ll follow you/kiss your butt/be ingratiated to you until I make the next one.
– With Spandex is on Twitter, so follow it. Follow us on Twitter and like us on Facebook. You can also follow me on Twitter.
– Share the column! Your shares, likes and other Internet Things are appreciated.
And now, here’s the Best and Worst of WWE Raw for June 29, 2015.
Worst: Come On Down, You’re The Next Contestant On A Boring Raw Intro
So back when Kane was debuting as a supernatural, fire-throwing monster that could rip the door off the Hell in a Cell and needed three tombstone piledrivers to go down, did you ever picture him as the third most important stooge in a 20-minute product placement gameshow Raw opening? Were you ever like, “wow, I wish Kane would stop burning the graves of his dead parents and make more jokes about going on vacation.”
Raw seriously opens with a solid quarter-hour of Seth Rollins giving The Authority gifts as a Thank You for helping him beat up Brock Lesnar once. He gives them all Apple watches (because they’re good at every form of social media he can remember to list on air), sends Kane on an all-expenses-paid trip to Hawaii and gives J&J Security a car. To illustrate the effectiveness of the segment, Big Show comes out and honks the car horn for like five minutes.
The entire time you’re like, “okay, this is going to end with Dean Ambrose filling the car with Nickelodeon Gak or Roman Reigns writing DOO DOO all over it, or maybe Brock Lesnar’s going to show up and F-5 the Hawaiian tourism guy,” but nope, nothing. The bad guys just get a bunch of gifts, Seth Rollins yells a bunch of corporation names and the crowd gets hyped for 2 hours 40 minutes of Raw with 20 minutes of bad guys being passively celebrated for nothing.
Segments I want to see next week include:
Maybe after SummerSlam, Rollins will give Kane a trip to the Grand Canyon.
Worst: So Is Mark Henry Retiring For Real Now Or What
The first match of the night is Big Show vs. Mark Henry, which is sorta like the Beatles starting a concert with ‘Wild Honey Pie.’ Show wins with two knockout punches, and Mark is calling his family and seeing when they’d want to go shopping for salmon suit jackets before he hits the ground.
Ryback shows up and starts attacking Show because “WWE Babyfaces,” and there’s a great moment where The Miz (whose brain is clearly out to sea over this feud already) sneaks in, boots Ryback in the face and immediately bails up the ramp doing sarcastic Ryback taunts. That’s negated before it’s even had a chance to sink in by Ryback getting on the microphone and saying “I HAVE A MATCH WITH YOU LATER BUT I SAY WE DO IT RIGHT NOW,” and everyone just going along with it.
Soooo…
Worst: Count-Out Womp Womp
When Miz was on commentary, his major point was that when you wrestle guys like Big Show and Ryback you can’t take them on head-on, you have to “stick and move.” You have to run into the ring when they’re busy, kick them in the face and bail up the ramp. That’s what he did, and it reaffirmed (1) his point, and (2) that he’s an opportunistic jerk. When Ryback gets on the mic and says the threatening equivalent of YOU WANT SOME COME GET SOME, shouldn’t Miz’s response have been, “no, I’m not doing that right now,” followed by more sticking and moving?
They get in the ring, and Miz starts the match by powdering and running around. As soon as Ryback catches him and hits some offense, it turns into a Totally Normal Match, with JBL reassuring us over and over that Miz is “outthinking” Ryback by doing wrestling moves to him. Ryback hits the world’s least impressive delayed vertical suplex by resting Miz’s balls on the top of his head and basically asking him Miz to do a push-up on his thigh for 40 seconds, and that’s more or less enough to make Miz take a count-out loss. Cole’s new talking point is that Miz talks a big game, but when he “gets in the ring with these guys it’s not so easy!”
I wish WWE wasn’t so obsessed with the idea that purposeful count-out losses get you heat. They don’t, unless there’s some kind of hook to it. Guys just giving up on matches and running to the back don’t reflect badly on the performers, they feel like WWE backing out of decisive finishes and saying, “now the match is just over, sorry.” Booking decisions that feel like booking decisions instead of interactions between pro wrestlers are the worst. “WWE” shouldn’t be its own character, you know? In kayfabe shouldn’t a guy who gives up in the middle of matches be the first head on the chopping block?
They make an attempt to explain Miz’s motivations in a backstage segment, which I appreciate, but
1. Why not put this on the show? Wouldn’t it help people who watch three hours of your wrestling show to know why people are doing whatever they’re doing? Can we skip a few Did You Knows and product placement gags in an effort to understand the characters and give a crap about why things are happening? I shouldn’t have to multitask on multiple forms of media to understand basic sh*t about the show.
2. Miz is basically saying the match is meaningless and a training exercise for him, so … why is it happening? I get that it’s a heel explaining his way out of a cowardly situation, but again, if a guy bails in the middle of matches he deems meaningless, why is said dude getting title shots at pay-per-views? I feel like 75% of WWE’s problems would be solved if every feud and marquee match didn’t start because two guys bumped into each other and suddenly realized they had issues.
Best: Welcome Back, Cesaro
Some wrestlers are great, but get damaged so regularly for such a long period of time that nothing can save them. Bray Wyatt’s in that position right now. Bray could have a great match, but then he’d start speaking again and your brain would glaze over and you’d imagine all the ghost lanterns and spooky song children or whatever, and it’d be done. Some wrestlers are so great that no matter what happens, they can be unleashed for a moment and make all the meaningless sh*t they’ve gone through seem like a dream. That’s Cesaro. Cesaro is that good at wrestling.
Kevin Owens answers John Cena’s US Open Challenge, but reveals that he’s just going to sit in on commentary. Cesaro’s Cena’s actual opponent, wearing a Tyson Kidd commemorative shooting sleeve in case your heart wasn’t already with him. The match they have is one of the very best things I’ve seen on Raw all year, which is kinda obvious when you combine two of the best things about WWE right now:
1. John Cena’s in-ring work in these US Open matches, and
2. Cesaro at any point ever.
The match they have mirrors the one Cena had with Neville, only with Cesaro boosting all of his attributes and making the most of the opportunity he’s been given. “Grabbing the brass ring,” as it were. Just like the match with Neville, Cena’s opponent has him “beaten” until the guy Cena’s feuding with runs in and breaks it up. For Neville, it was Rusev. For Cesaro it was Owens, because Owens is a self-righteous SOB who doesn’t just want the United States Championship, he wants the glory of defeating John Cena for the United States Championship at a WWE pay-per-view and proving some broad, impossible-to-quantify idea of being better than the best.
The thing about Cesaro is that his work is INSANE. The guy has a balance, ring-awareness and actual unf*ckwithable strength that nobody else has. He’s a big vanilla Swiss guy, sure, but he’s so impossibly prepared to be a great pro wrestler that we sometimes take him for granted. Watch him counter the Attitude Adjustment, land on his feet, launch Cena into the air and uppercut him on the way down. Watch how effortless it seems, and how controlled it is. Watch Cena go for his wacky Code Red that he can’t really do, and watch Cesaro plant his feet and hold himself steady while 250 pounds of Cena attempts agility. Cena’s got a natural timing for the ebb and flow of WWE storytelling so I don’t want to make it sound like he didn’t have anything to do with the match being good, but when he starts in with that extended moveset full of sh*t he hasn’t practiced enough to get good at yet, he needs a guy like Cesaro in there to anchor him and keep it five-by-five.
With Kidd on the shelf for the next year and change, I hope this was WWE’s announcement that they realize they’ve got the best wrestler in the world just kinda farting around in the middle of the beginning of their shows and have decided to do something better with him. Personally I’d love to see Owens take the belt from Cena at Battleground and then have Cesaro have to power up to try and take it from Owens. Cena’s done great work with the US title but he can’t do it forever, and his accomplishments will mean so much more if the belt continues to have as good of a life without him. If you’re gonna put it in someone else’s hands, you could be working with worse hands. Hell, it could be the Intercontinental title.
If we’re fantasy booking Cena, his next humanitarian goal should be to team up with someone below him and revitalize the tag team division. Pair him up with Neville and let them do a Kenta Kobashi/Tsuyoshi Kikuchi thing. I want to see if Cena can turn The Ascension into Furnas & Kroffat.
Best/Worst: Have A Foxy Heel Turn!
The second best match on the show for me was Paige vs. Alicia Fox. Not as good as Alicia’s all-time classic with Melina, but pretty good. The Bella Twins are heels again, high-fiving each other at ringside and trying to cheat to help Fox win, but I’m starting to settle into the chaos theory of Divas booking, so whatever.
Alicia has always been one of the more underrated wrestlers in the Divas division, and I remain pressed that she hasn’t quietly drifted down to NXT to rip it up with Becky and Sasha for a few months. Regardless, her northern lights suplex is one of the 10 best looking moves in WWE, and it’s nice to see Paige get to work someone who can fall down and stand up without their brain flipping upside down and EMP blasting everyone’s ability to wrestle. We argue about it a lot online, but as respected as the Divas deserve to be, the division and women’s wrestling in general would be 1,000 times better off if WWE worked a little tough love into the presentation and got rid of the dead weight. Keep the ones who are good at some aspect of what they do (whether it’s wrestling or speaking or being marketably attractive) and give the Camerons and Rosa Mendeses of the world a nice severance package and a front row seat to the damn future.
Best: And Now More Things That Are Pretty Good!
In case you missed it on Smackdown, Bo Dallas and The New Day are friends now and Bo can’t get the hang of the clap, fulfilling a fantasy booking need that would’ve followed me to the grave had it not happened. So now we’ve got two confederated midcard teams: Bo and The New Day, and the Prime Time Players/Lucha Dragons/Neville squad. I’m absolutely okay with this. If I’m a kayfabe WWE Superstar and all the top level talent is getting jerked around and destroyed by top-shelf factions, why am I not aligning myself with every like-minded individual I can find?
Those teams (minus Neville) face each other in an 8-man tag, and while nothing of note really happens, it’s fun and a good use of the talent. Bo as face in peril for most of the match was weird, as was The New Day doing their clap in babyface situations for heel heat, but it all worked out like it was supposed to. They’ve done an outstanding job of making Titus O’Neil look like a f*cking destroyer in recent weeks, haven’t they? That guy never takes heat. He just tags in, throws folks around, does some sassy poses and wins. He’s like the world’s least threatening Goldberg.
Study question: do you ever get the feeling that Kalisto should’ve just been Sin Cara?
Worst: Let’s Ask The WWE Universe What They Thought Of The 8-Man Tag
YouTube
Worst: How Do We Get Dolph And Lana To Go Private
Dolph Ziggler and Lana have the romantic chemistry of Michael Jordan and Bugs Bunny. I never want a crowd to chant “what,” but after listening to Dolph inhumanly mumble through a dozen “ums” and Lana complain about how Rusev made her dress a certain way while wearing the same thing she’s always worn might’ve deserved it. Ziggler and Lana are oil and toilet water, and watching them be way too aware of the crowd’s negative response while trying to plow through their declaration of love made me want to be single for the rest of my life. Who would invite this into their life? Love is dead, and Dolph Ziggler killed it with a sleeper.
Rusev shows up with Summer Rae and no knowledge of how crutches work and plays the YOU DIDN’T HURT ME, I’M FINE card, calling her a “cold fish” and saying kissing her was like “kissing that ring post over there.” The part I like is that Rusev and Lana were never about kissing. They were partners, wrestler and manager, united under the watchful eye of Vladimir Putin and dedicated to the destruction of stupid, low-level American professional wrestlers. Ziggler — a guy who would NEVER tell Lana how to act but has already changed her hairstyle and downgraded her career from “manager” to “wrestler’s girlfriend” — jumps in with some “hey hey heys” and acts like a total prick, because he’s a natural heel and Rusev’s always accidentally the babyface.
Rusev’s feeling are hurt so he tries to leave, but Summer Rae grabs the mic and launches into some EMOTIONAL REAL TALK. She tells Lana that Rusev is a kind-hearted guy who cared about her a lot, but that when he got hurt, Lana jumped ship. Summer knows she’s really just an opportunistic phony. Answer me this: did Rusev make Lana become a Bulgarian, or was it the other way around?
Rusev stands in the background on the apron with this look on his face where he knows what she’s saying is true, but he’s worked so damn hard to put up a front and act like none of it bothers him. Summer is actually being a great friend and sticking up for a guy who’s been physically and emotionally broken over the past few months, and … she’s the heel? F*ck that. F*ck Ziggler and Lana and the patriotic horse they rode in on. Summer knows what it’s like to be on the ass-end of a sh*tty WWE relationship and isn’t afraid to let Lana know she’s a Catty Little Cat.
Dolph and Lana should have a backstage segment next week where they say, “hey, you know what? We shouldn’t have made our relationship a public thing and used it for petty revenge. Sorry. We aren’t going to talk about it anymore.” Then we should get a vignette of Rusev and Summer having lunch and getting along and maybe going to Six Flags.
Worst: Sheamus Needs An Intervention Or Something
Neville is just like a super hero. He’s the man that gravity forgot! Sheamus is just like a super villain, with the power to drain the energy of 10,000 people by standing near them.
I don’t know what’s going on with Sheamus, but spend a day on the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles set appears to have completely zapped him of his wrestling ability. He’s always been kind of a crappy character (“I’m Irish! Whoops, that’s it!”), but his ring work has always been good, especially when he’s a face. He takes a great beating, and he’s big and strong enough to throw slams and strikes that actually look like they could hurt someone. Since he got the mohawk and the beard that looks like a dog’s ass, though, he’s been the worst. I don’t know if it’s me or him or the moon or what, but he needs to take a step back, watch some tape and realize that what he’s doing is abso-f*cking-lutely not working. There’s no reason a Neville/Sheamus match should be terrible. EVER. Neville made Bo Dallas matches seem like social events. Why is Sheamus spending 60% of a Raw match standing around staring at the crowd, waiting for them to say something? Holy sh*t.
Worst: All Work And No Play Make Jack A Dull Boy
Hey look, Jack Swagger’s back! And he’s totally not dead inside.
WWE
Nope, he’s totally fine. He’s okay not being on TV for months and then showing up to lose to Wade Barrett. That’s not the kind of thing that would make you feel empty and worthless.
WWE
This t-shirt with the big handprint on it isn’t a reminder of a time when “we the people” got over, or the days when Swagger was wrestling heavily-promoted WrestleMania matches. It’s just a t-shirt. Being a good hand is fine. WWE needs good hands. Not everybody can be a star. Ha, get it, good hand? Like the hand on the shirt? That’s a funny joke.
WWE
No, he’s not dead inside. He’s got a happy life. He loves wrestling. It’s what he’s good at. Remember when Jim Ross was here and could make sure he was gonna be okay, because he’s an amateur wrestler from Oklahoma and JR loves those more than anything? Remember how safe and protected he used to feel? He’d gotten really good for a while. But yeah I guess that’s why he’s still around.
Yep. He’s still around.
WWE
Jack Swagger is not thinking about how much better things would be for him on Mars.
Worst: The Show Goes On (And On, And On)
And now here’s our main-event, the exciting, fresh matchup of Dean Ambrose and Roman Reigns vs. Seth Rollins and Kane. Earlier in the night Reigns had wandered in on Ambrose having a conversations with some prop Terminator skeletons because he’s a lunatic, and because his one friend having imaginary science fiction friends is less stressful than the kidnapping, Bioshock nightmare he’s been sitting through. On the other side, Kane is getting ready to go to Hawaii on vacation. These are WWE’s main-event storylines.
The match is no disqualification, so OF COURSE they stand out on the apron waiting for tags instead of just running in and hitting each other with chairs. Eventually it breaks down, and we find out that the no-DQ stip was there so Bray Wyatt could attack Roman but The Authority could still win the match. See what I mean about match finishes seeming more like booking decisions than match finishes?
Anyway, Ambrose is immediately dispatched and disappears into a Mystery Hole. Reigns sticks around and successfully fights off four dudes for a while before finally succumbing to multiple finishers, including a powerbomb through a table. He’s still kinda sorta fine until the very end, when Bray Wyatt wanders BACK out and hits him with Sister Abigail. The match ended at 10:01 and there was like 14 minutes of guys standing around beating up Roman Reigns. You keep thinking Dean’s vanished because he’s snuck off to commandeer the J&J Cadillac to drive it into the ring or whatever, but nope, it’s just a massive, extended, depressing beatdown. It’s continuing proof that no current WWE babyfaces are good enough to challenge The Authority, and that The Authority has to create drama and fight amongst themselves to feel worthwhile. Brock didn’t come back for revenge, The Authority authorized him to come back and is giving him a title shot because they’re feuding with their own guy. Roman and Dean are helpless, Ryback and Ziggler are so low on the card they’re somehow below it, Randy Orton teleports in and out of existence on a whim and John Cena’s busy working an ROH show in 2007.
HOPE YOU’RE EXCITED FOR BATTLEGROUND.
Best: Top 10 Comments Of The Week
Redshirt
That’s a nice Tupac hologram of Jamie Noble.
Sage
AND YOU GET AN APPLE WATCH, AND YOU GET AN APPLE WATCH, AND YOU GET AN APPLE WATCH! And everyone in the audience? Look under your seat! You’ll find…PICTURES OF ME BEATING BROCK LESNAR.
ThisArticleIsShit
Nobody buys sticker price, Seth.
Aerial Jesus
How long before Ambrose poops in that car?
Amzingred
Seth: now you all make sure to have your beast spayed and neutered.
LBCS
Couple seen making out in the middle of the ring several times to go public.
JonSte13
But wait what was Dean doing chilling with the Bella Twins backstage?
Mr. Royal Rumble, TheCensoredMSol
Pink hearts, orange stars, yellow moons, green clovers, blue diamonds, purple horseshoes, and gold briefcases.
The Real Birdman
Being no DQ, I’m assuming Noble will hit Dean with the car, only to have Dean rebound off the apron and clothesline the car.
MaleNurseTracksuit
Guys we are the high school girl in that signing away your rights tobacco commercial, and RAW is our cigarette.
Thanks, everybody. See you at 5:30 AM on July 4th for Brock Lesnar: Tokyo Drift.
WWE
Pre-show notes:
– In case you missed it, make sure you read The Beast And Worst Of Brock Lesnar: Beast In The East Live From Tokyo.
– Final shill until it’s relevant to the conversation again: Meet Me There, the movie I wrote starring Goldust and a bunch of independent wrestling notables, is available for purchase in actual retailers. If you pick up a copy, you’re automatically my best friend. We’re supposed to hang out this weekend!
– With Spandex is on Twitter, so follow it. Follow us on Twitter and like us on Facebook. You can also follow me on Twitter.
– Share the column! Your shares, likes and other Internet Things are appreciated.
And now, here’s the Best and Worst of WWE Raw for July 6, 2015.
Best: The God Of Violent Retribution
Brock Lesnar from a brutal, international upside-downing of Kofi Kingston and is looking for revenge on Seth Rollins.
Lesnar works like Beetlejuice, I guess, so if you mess with him three times it means your ass. The first time Seth formally messed with Brock was at WrestleMania, when he cashed in his Money in the Bank briefcase to Curb Stomp Roman Reigns and win Brock’s belt. The second time was the next night, when Rollins enzuigiri’d Brock so hard it turned Brock into a raptor, then fled the arena to escape a title rematch. Time three was two weeks ago on Raw when Seth reunited The Authority and they took Brock to Stomp City.
This week’s show opens with Paul Heyman as Jules Winfield from Pulp Fiction, stomping around The Authority’s apartment, eating its burger and drinking its tasty beverages. He drops faux-biblical lines like, “the sword that shall pierce Seth Rollins’ shield” (nice) and, “Seth Rollins, you have broken the 11th commandment. Thou shalt not intentionally provoke the Beast, Brock Lesnar.” I want Brock to show up to the match at Battleground dressed like the Pope. A Pope that does the will of The Lord by picking up smaller dudes and chucking them into things.
Worst: Take A Second To Think About How Much Better Off The United States Championship Is Than The Intercontinental
There’s an old idea in booking pro wrestling that you don’t put a title on a guy who deserves it, you put a title on a guy who needs it. If a guy’s already popular and over, why does he need a title? If you give a guy who isn’t quite there that championship bump, it can put him over the top and get him where he needs to be.
While that’s probably still true for everywhere else, I’m not sure WWE’s secondary championships work that way anymore. They spent what, 15 years making sure those secondary belts were as unimportant as possible? They merged them, unmerged them, had tournaments just to put the belts on guys who don’t defend them for most of a year, whatever. It’s like they started handing out title runs so guys’ action figures would have cool accessories.
Look at the two belts running parallel to each other right now, the United States and Intercontinental Championships. For the US title you’ve got a guy who absolutely does not need it, John Cena, defending it every week. It’s become arguably the most important belt in the company because it’s built around competition, and the freedom (cough) of an open challenge. A guy like Stardust or Cesaro can challenge for it without a ton of build and look like a million dollars because they’re hanging with John Cena. You can debut Kevin Owens and wedge him into Cena’s title run and make him seem like one of the most important guys in the show in like three weeks. Cena’s not LOSING, either. He’s beating all of these guys, in scenarios that without proper context would cause us to roll our eyes about how he’s not giving anyone a rub. The championship has created a version of John Cena that makes Cena, the belt, the lower level of competition beneath him and the general point of pro wrestling look positive.
What’s going on with the Intercontinental Championship? Two of the most situationally boring wrestlers in the company are feuding about who the audience likes least while a loosely-related third party tries to get them over by sarcastically yelling for five minutes about how they’re terrible. Big Show is wrestling Ryback — not a recipe for instant success despite them having some workable stuff in the past — and Miz shouts over it. There’s no buzz or momentum for anyone involved, everyone’s spent the better part of their career losing to whoever’s around, and the great legacy of the belt in modern history is (1) Daniel Bryan winning it, promising to revitalize the division and immediately having to retire, and (2) a Dolph Ziggler/Luke Harper ladder match that everyone’s already forgotten.
I feel like the idea was supposed to be Cena doing what he’s doing with the US title while Bryan did something similar with the IC belt, building to a big moment between them down the road. Or maybe Sami Zayn was going to debut and beat Cena, Owens was going to debut and beat Bryan and we’d just move NXT up a couple of leagues. Who knows? All we have to show for it is some bad midcard stuff that would be exactly the same without one of them wearing a belt to the ring. Take it home, this feud.
Worst: Speaking Of Feuds That Need To Take It Home
I was going to make a joke about how long the Bellas vs. Paige feud would’ve lasted if they were on Lucha Underground — two episodes, tops — but I think they’ve been teasing the next step in the feud for longer than that show’s been on the air. Paige is upset at the massive Bella pull in her various houses and wants change. The Bellas are changing from heel to face to heel to face like they’re The Riddler’s color-coded automatons from Arkham Knight. Alicia Fox put on a shirt that says TEAM BELLA because if she’s gonna be out there, she might as well wear the merch of the people who matter.
And that’s just where we are. The wrestling isn’t bad (keeping in mind that Nikki is still way better in the ring as both a wrestler and a presence than Brie no matter how hard she’s trying), but the Wrestling Show around it just feels like a whirlpool. We’re going around in circles, and eventually we’ve either gotta disappear down the drain or get out of the f*cking water. That NXT ladies Nexus attack needs to happen at Battleground at the latest, and if it doesn’t, we need to bring Kharma back with some pentagrams on her shit and finish the Bellas arc for good.
I would also accept a returning Aksana as a well-meaning Lithuanian satanist.
Worst: Roman Reigns Snatches Bray Wyatt’s Wig
1. Please tell me that was Bull Dempsey cosplaying as Bray Wyatt. TELL ME BRAY CONVINCED HIM TO DO IT BY OFFERING HIM A BAG OF DORITOS.
TELL ME THE DORITOS WERE HAUNTED.
2. Sheamus should cash in his Money in the Bank briefcase for a shave and a mulligan on the past three months. I don’t think there’s a wrestler who shows up and makes me want to change the channel harder than him, and it seems so ridiculous. Sheamus is obviously a very good wrestler, but good grief, his existence makes me want to put my head under a tire. I want to chain myself to a television and throw us both off a bridge. Him getting a count-out win to “protect” him and Reigns is equally goofy because it happens so often, and raising the briefcase like it’s a championship has always cracked me up. It’s like carrying a Slammy to the ring. You aren’t defending it. It’d be like Ric Flair holding up one of his robes after he won.
3. “Randy Orton has not forgotten what Sheamus has put him through!” Uh, pretty sure I have. They’re feuding over Sheamus kidnapping Randy Orton’s daughter and trying to have ghostly tea parties with her, right?
Best: Dolph Ziggler Gets His
AKA “Rusev and Summer go public,” I guess.
Rusev wants to apologize for wasting a year of his life on that “Lana that calls herself woman,” and while the promo is supposed to be from a heel perspective, it makes a lot of sense. Think about it. Rusev was this Bulgarian karate guy who liked to write peoples’ names on wooden boards and break them. He’d already made it to NXT when he ran into Lana, a Russian lady who hated America, loved Vladimir Putin and (thought it was never clearly specified) managed Rusev’s affairs. They never really pointed out if she was a girlfriend or a manager until they broke up — she was a girlfriend — and what did Rusev do to show her he appreciated her? He became Russian. He worshipped Putin. He fought so hard for a foreign country that they made him a hero of their federation. He was given a GOLD STAR MEDAL by the PRESIDENT OF RUSSIA for being so good at what he does. Lana clapped for him and did hand gestures for him when she wanted him to camel clutch guys, but she started to change her mind. She started loving the crowd reactions and craving attention. The crowd chanting “we want Lana” became the mission, not “Rusev crush.” Rusev was in the middle of the biggest fight of his life against Unstoppable-ass John Cena, and Lana kept screwing it up. He was emotionally and physically broken, and what happened? Lana ditched him. He handled it poorly for a few months, but the broader picture is that he gave her his life and she lost interest. She sold him out in that I Quit match thinking she was helping him, because Lana doing what the crowd wants and making them cheer became more important than Putin’s pro wrestling mission.
Once again, Dolph and Lana wander out to rub it in Rusev’s face. He can’t just cut a promo on them to make himself feel better and leave; they have to walk out, remind him of how much he f*cked up a few months ago and MAKE OUT IN FRONT OF HIM, because they’re adults. Summer is like, “why are you guys such dicks?” They threaten her with violence. They’re the worst “cool” characters from the worst 80s movie about the Cold War ever made, and Lana’s just this catfighting, presumptuous arm-candy without an identity. She went from RAVISHING RUSSIAN LANA, following a f*cking tank to the ring at WrestleMania, to being the sassy accessory of a sassy guy who doesn’t care about anyone but himself and has a shit history with women.
So, because sometimes good wins out over evil, Rusev beats Dolph Ziggler to death with a crutch.
It’s hard to say it on a show with Brock Lesnar killing a Cadillac with axes and Cesaro tearing it up in a main event, but this might’ve been my favorite moment on the show. It was like therapy. Rusev is this sad, hateful fish out of water who is good at stuff and tries hard but doesn’t know how to handle emotions or express himself in personal situations, and I don’t think I’ve ever identified with a character more. That probably makes me an awful person, but f*ck you, Putin would like me.
Watching Ziggler get the John Morrison goodbye with a stretcher job and a crushed throat should legitimately be the end of his WWE story. If he wants to take time off to be a stand-up comedian or whatever, let him do it. Ziggler the wrestler is good (and sometimes great), but Ziggler the character needs to crash-land in Siberia and get eaten by wolves. I want him to never show up again, and then 20 years from now when Rusev retires as a 10-time former WWE Champion with his happy wife Summer Rae and their beautiful Bulgarian-American children, Dolph can induct him into the Hall of Fame from one of those wheelchairs that talks when you type.
Best: Bo Dallas
Bo agrees with me about Ziggler. Whose side do you want to be on, the millions and millions of people who enjoy WWE every week, or Bo Dallas and a blogger with emotional problems?
Worst: Dean Ambrose
Every time Dean Ambrose loses on pay-per-view and then “manages to pull one out” against a guy like Bo Dallas, the announce team should be replaced by that clip of Christian Bale yelling OH GOOOOD FOR YOOU.
Best?: King Barrett Vs. King What’s Up
Now that CM Punk’s gone forever (until the end of his first fight) and AJ Lee’s not around to draw “CM Punk” chants, the Chicago crowd’s come back around to being pretty great. Stop furiously typing at me, Chicagoans, I said you’re great.
If you need an example of this, look no further than King Barrett vs. King What’s Up. These guys have wrestled each other, what, 400 times in 2015? Sometimes they wrestle five times a show. Every commercial break they do a quick Wade Barrett vs. R-Truth match. Anyway, it’s nothing fresh and we’ve all seen it before, but the crowd went along with it … and by the end of the match, they were rocking and rolling. The crowd’s count-chanting falsies and reacting to moments and spots like they’re watching Bálor and Owens. I’m not saying a crowd should pretend like everything they’re watching is great, but if the match ends up getting pretty good, it’s nice to know the crowd’s paying close enough attention to notice it.
Worst: Let’s Ask The WWE Universe What They Thought Of This Match
YouTube
Best: Titus By God O’Neil
I kinda want Titus O’Neil to just retire as a wrestler and immediately, permanently join the announce team.
The Lucha Dragons vs. The New Day was fun, but Titus taking JBL to the announcing woodshed is one of the best things I’ve ever heard. There’s not enough of it in the Fan Nation video, but man, it was the Brock Lesnar vs. Kofi Kingston of announcing battles. Titus just caught JBL in the air, tossed him up to reposition him, then dumped him on his f*cking head. He even drops a “got eem” from the Deez Nuts guy somewhere in the middle to show that he’s working without a net. Beautiful work. Wrestlers need more opportunities with a live mic. Thin out the ranks of the people who think they can talk, and retrain wrestlers (and wrestling fans) to know what a “good promo” can be. Just talk, man. I’d rather hear a human being talk than another “THIS SUNDAY, AT SHOW NAME, I, RANDY ORTON, ETCETERA.”
Supplemental Best for Xavier Woods yelling, “YOU BETTER WORK, KALISTO, YOU BETTER WORK” and making himself laugh.
Best: The New Day Just In General
If you can watch this video of Jojo trying to interview the New Day and getting threatened away by their loud-as-f*ck positivity without smiling the entire time, you might biologically be dead. These guys are so good at this, and I want the narrative of the Day and “Josephine” to continue. Eva Marie’s catching a case of the Try-Hards and Jojo’s turning into the new Renee. Maybe season 1 of Total Divas happened for a reason.
Best: And Now, Brock Lesnar Destroys A Cadillac With Axes
I didn’t give it a Worst because I didn’t want to think about it again, but the bad comedy happening around The Authority all night was the worst. Kane got horribly photoshopped Hawaii vacation photos that I guess he couldn’t just hold a fruity drink backstage and pose for — what, Kane’s never been to a beach in real life? Nobody in his family has a phone or a camera? — and J&J Security got a bad “road trip” video someone made on their Macbook 20 minutes before the show started. Triple H showed up briefly to have one of those intense, face-to-face confrontations with Rollins where he clearly loses interest in the middle or becomes too aware of the situation. I still think he’s trying to get Seth Rollins killed so he can replace him with Kevin Owens, and they’re doing a whole Jacob and Esau thing.
Anyway, that bad comedy was worth it for the payoff, which is Seth Rollins and J&J coming to the ring with axe handles — actual axe handles, not the kind Macho Man did — and “calling out” Brock Lesnar. They make the mistake of driving J&J’s Cadillac out onto the stage (with it’s sweet camo racing stripe, because Jamie Noble rules), so Brock shows up, DOUBLE-WIELDS FIRE AXES and demolishes the car with weapons. Every person you’ve ever met made the Street Fighter II bonus stage joke, but it’s appropriate. It gets even better when he breaks Jamie Noble’s arm, suplexes Joey Mercury into the windshield and tries to Kung Lao decapitate a fan in the crowd with a hurled car door.
Has there ever been a more legitimately terrifying pro wrestler than Brock Lesnar? Like, I know we all have our favorites, but when Brock pulled a f*cking axe out of that crate, wasn’t there a moment when you thought he might actually flip out and attack somebody with it? When he ripped a car door off with his bare hands and discus-threw it across a damn arena, were you able to say “this is a normal human who’s acting like this because it’s part of a show?” Hell no you weren’t, because BROCK LESNAR. He’s the beast. He’s the best. Both of them.
The match at Battleground should start with Rollins driving the mangled car onto the stage during Brock’s entrance and running him over, only for Brock to explode out from underneath the wreckage and send car parts flying everywhere.
Best: The Main Event
Last week’s show featured a John Cena vs. Cesaro match for the United States Championship that ended with interference from Kevin Owens, but was good enough to be considered one of the best (if not THE best) Raw matches of the year. This week they do it again, only they go longer, fight harder, build to a clean finish and pretty much become the perfectly realized version of what an important, powerful secondary championship can mean.
There’s never a moment in the match where Cesaro doesn’t look like he belongs, or like he’s only there to make Cena look good. These men are equals, whether they’re equals in stature or talent or not, and they give it all they have. You keep waiting for that moment when Owens runs out and messes it up, but it doesn’t happen. Cesaro keeps lifting Cena from ridiculous positions, Cena keeps expanding his moveset and breaking out pop-up headscissors takedowns, and even stuff like the sloppiness of his springboard stunner is part of the story. He doesn’t get it all, so Cesaro’s able to recover and shake it off. Even at the end when Owens DOES finally run out (post-match, thank God), Cena fights him off but does so in a way that makes him look cool and tough, and not like a guy who forgot to sell. Cena does that a lot. He’ll end the match and be totally fine, because none of the damage really happened or mattered. Here, he’s taken such a beating and told such a tight story that when he tosses Owens out of the ring, he wearily goes to a knee and puts his fist up. He’s scratched, sweating, breathing heavy. He’s a tough f*cking champion, and he survived that attack not because he’s an overpowered goober who compromises the reality of wrestling, but because he knew it was coming and fought back. That’s AWESOME.
Cena’s post-match speech putting Cesaro over says more than I could ever say. I want this to matter for him. I want this to matter for the show, you know?
It’s so rare that a show’s final match is not only the longest match on the show, but the best. For once, Raw truly got a main event.
Best: Top 10 Comments Of The Week
Harry Longabaugh
At this point, the old woman on Seinfeld is the only person who wants her Ryback.
Youngace904
*Turns on RAW*
*Sees Sheamus with Roman in a headlock and hears CM Punk chants*
*Sigh*
*Goes back to hunting RIddler trophies*
The Dudebuster
Fandango looks different then I remember.
SportsEntertainment720
Brock’s a lumberjack, and he’s OK.
He eats and sleeps all night, conquers and repeats all day.
XPacEnergyDrink
Kevin Owens is like the kid that bullied you in grade school and Brock is like that kid’s older brother who “went away”
ThisArticleIsShit
“If that car could tap out it would.”
If that car was sentient it would be dead. From an axe.
Edwin
That was nice of Brock to put some speed holes in that car.
The Real Birdman
“Why’s Cena’s body vertical like that during a delayed suplex? – Ryback
Axiel
Sudden Death. 300% damage a piece. First Smash Attack will win this.
JonSte13
Go til 11:30 you crazy bastards. 11:30 AM.
Thanks for reading, everybody. See you next week.
